Need some advice please

cmace2

hazyjo wrote: »

Not sure why you should be the one to leave, actually...

Can you not boot him out? He'd have to provide something for you and the baby anyway. Any way it could work? Sell up and buy something for you and the baby? Would there be enough equity to buy outright? Even if you use the money to rent/live off for a while. No actual need to buy something.

Know it's a lot to deal with and take in (especially while pregnant), but I find we're usually stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And friends and family are generally very supportive in such circumstances.

Good luck. Please remember you DO have lots of choices and support. You are not trapped.

Also wanted to say that what he's doing isn't necessarily wrong and your way isn't necessarily right. But if you stand back and analyse, they're quite important differences. He does sound a bit like a spoilt child without much consideration for you...

Jx

I've thought of asking him to move back to his parents (they only live 5 minutes away) to give us that time apart to see what we really want. It would mean him having to leave his garage though! But I suppose because its not far away he could still be in there and just go back to his parents afterwards.

I've thought about selling this place but its not in a sellable state at the moment due to all the half jobs everywhere. I'm not very up on my DIY so my limit has been stripping the wall paper in the spare room to try and get him motivated to continue with the rest.

hazyjo

A house doesn't have to be perfect to sell. Sell as is, or do it yourself! Unless that's his actual trade, I'm not someone that believes it's the man's job. Surely you can sand? Paint? If you can strip a wall, you can sand/paint it. Plenty of online tutorials.

Failing that, 'get a man in'

Jx

cmace2

duchy wrote: »

Sorry but that isn't a reason -it's an excuse.
Pregnant women move home all the time...They just find a new doctor/hospital in the new area.

What does he DO in the garage ?
Could you compromise with him limiting the garage to one night a week until the spare room is sorted ?

As for "worrying" if he's not back- You know where he is.....you know he has a record of losing track of time....... unless you think he's actually somewhere else -just accept he gets engrossed- roll over and go back to sleep. You're not a child -you don't need him there to go to sleep surely ?

My sister also has two dogs and is having her own financial issues with her husband so while I appreciate her offer I just don't think me being there would be a good idea. Plus I would feel guilty taking my newborn son away from his dad and grandparents (my OH is an only child so this is their first grandchild).

I'm not really sure what he does in the garage. He does love his mechanics but considering we currently own four vehicles and only one is on the road at the moment (and that ones needs a service/brake pads/cosmetic work) I don't see anything fruitful coming from his efforts if he is working on the cars. I see his mates come and go from there. I believe he is on his laptop in there but why not be on your laptop in the house? It's not !!!!!! because he knows I don't have a problem with him viewing it. I think he has a secret stash of drink in there and he knows I don't like drinking due to an alcoholic ex. As above we have agreed in past discussions for him to have 3 nights in the garage and 4 nights in the house but it just doesn't happen.

I used to find it hard to sleep when I was expecting him to come to bed at some point, used to wake up a lot. Now I can sleep for much longer, wake up at about 4am and see he's not there, think oh well it's happened again and go back to sleep. I do worry because a garage can be a dangerous place to be when you are working on your own. It's got a work pit and everything so he can do quite a lot of car things in there. Also due to his medication taking and drinking I worry in case he has passed out or something.

cmace2

hazyjo wrote: »

A house doesn't have to be perfect to sell. Sell as is, or do it yourself! Unless that's his actual trade, I'm not someone that believes it's the man's job. Surely you can sand? Paint? If you can strip a wall, you can sand/paint it. Plenty of online tutorials.

Failing that, 'get a man in'

Jx

Yes it's mainly the holes in the floor and ceiling I'm concerned about, would need to get someone in for those!

hazyjo

He's up 'til gone 4am in the garage?!

You are either very trusting or very naive.

Walk in on him - ask to borrow the laptop. Check history. Don't give him a chance to delete, etc.

Could he be chatting to someone on it? I can't believe you've ignored the fact he's on a laptop in a garage until the early hours/all night with no suspicions. Does he work? When does he sleep?!

Jx

hazyjo

cmace2 wrote: »

Yes it's mainly the holes in the floor and ceiling I'm concerned about, would need to get someone in for those!

What's stopping you getting someone in?

Ring now for quotes. Get them sorted.

Jx

FBaby

Have you had the discussion about what life will be like when baby comes? That locking himself until the early hours of the morning (and I assume sleeping late afterwards) won't be an option any longer? Was this baby planned or not? As clearly he is not showing the sign of a man preparing himself to become a father.

cmace2

hazyjo wrote: »

He's up 'til gone 4am in the garage?!

You are either very trusting or very naive.

Walk in on him - ask to borrow the laptop. Check history. Don't give him a chance to delete, etc.

Could he be chatting to someone on it? I can't believe you've ignored the fact he's on a laptop in a garage until the early hours/all night with no suspicions. Does he work? When does he sleep?!

Jx

I know, considering he has cheated I even find it weird myself that I don't believe he is talking to someone on it! He leaves his phone around, I can log on to his facebook on the iPad so I don't feel like he's hiding something that way. It has crossed my mind whether he has a second phone he could be potentially using instead, but I don't think he would actively go looking to cheat. The episode before was a culmination of what I had said to him, drugs, drink, and an opportunity.

I feel like he's not looking after himself. He stays up most of the week, then spends most weekends in bed. I work every other weekend so am either not here or get up about 9am and potter about doing housework while he stays in bed. He doesn't eat properly because he gets up too late to have breakfast before work, he doesn't eat a dinne most nights because he's in the garage. I used to cook for him as well as me but I've given up recently because it goes uneaten. I know he battles depression but I feel like he won't help himself. I want him to get a routine for eating and sleeping and he will feel so much better in himself. He keeps acquiring jobs to do instead of finishing things off first, and just keeps piling pressure on himself and then feels like a failure because he hasn't done them. I want to help him but he needs to help himself first and I definitely don't want to mother him (I think that's part of the problem, she even makes his lunch for work most days now!! He goes and collects it! He's 29 for gods sake!). I don't know if the pressure of living like an adult and dealing with adult financial/household/job issues are just too hard for him. But how do I help him without being an enabler or whatever it is I'm trying to say?

hazyjo

Drugs... in what context?

Do you have a joint account? Can you see his bank statements? Do you not see empty alcohol bottles? Look for signs of drug taking.

Sounds to me like he has been mothered excessively and sees you more as a mother replacement than a wife.

Jx

neon_dannii

I'd leave, he clearly has no respect for you. He's not even interested in your baby.