Need some advice please

cmace2

Sorry it's another relationship thread, I know there's been a few recently! I hope I don't regret posting this but I feel like I've hit a brick wall and don't know where to turn.

I've been with my OH almost three years. We bought a house together January 2013, got engaged August 2013, I fell pregnant in November 2013 and we found out the weekend before Christmas. Unfortunately, the day after, I found out he had cheated on me earlier that month.

I ended it up forgiving him at the time as I didn't want to be single and pregnant, it was Xmas time with numerous family gatherings that I didn't want to face questions for if we didn't turn up together, and also because he lied and said nothing had happened they only flirted.

I never believed him that nothing had happened and every time I questioned him over the next few months I would find out a bit more, whether from him or other people. I still to this day do not feel I know the full story and how far things actually went.

He likes to blame me for what happened that night as we had had an argument about money. I was getting fed up with him going out all the time and spending money we didn't have, and this particular night was the third night in a week. I told him that if he didn't start changing his ways then in six months time I would move back to my house I lived in before him (currently rented out). He says this really hurt him and therefore told this girl he was single etc etc. I find it disgusting that he can even try and blame it on me!!

I found it very hard to get over and months before I could be intimate with him again. I still don't believe I am over it now because I feel like I still don't know the full story.

So that's one issue! Another is his inability to match words to actions! He spends a LOT of time in our garage. 20 minutes really mean an hour and a half, a few hours mean he will be out there until the early hours of the morning/all night. This also is true about popping out mates/his parents (who are 5 mins away). He knows I don't like it when he is out in the garage all night because I wake up and he's not there, I think something awful has happened as he said he would be a couple of hours and go to find him in the garage, and he's fine!! This issue has come up numerous times, I've said that I don't necessarily mind him being in the garage lots, just tell me the truth about how long he's really going to be in there. His argument is that he means what he says at the time. How come I can already guess then how long he will REALLY be?

Another issue is money. My income is higher, his outgoings are higher. We have a joint account which may not seem like a good idea but even if we had separate accounts I think we would still treat it all like 'our' money. I've done numerous SOA's and know our income matches our outgoing without any extras/luxuries. He knows this, but seems to live like a 'keeping up with the Jones'' type life, and says what's the point in living life like a Scrooge being tight with everything. He has got slightly better since the argument which resulted in the cheating, but I still feel like I'm the one going without with a homemade cold lunch while he grabs hot lunches in petrol garages etc, fast food takeaways. We have a baby on the way and so my income will drop massively so I'm trying to save while we still have the income but every month my little pot I've squirrelled away needs to be used on something.

Another issue is the house. He has all these massive plans and has unfortunately had a go at everything. He wanted to move the bathroom upstairs. Currently our third bedroom is completely stripped (been like this for months) with a hole in the corner in the floor, leading to the current downstairs bathroom, so this obviously has a hole in the ceiling. There is a hole in the ceiling of the dining room where we had a leak. There are random pieces of wallpaper stripped off in the dining room. He keeps starting jobs and adding jobs to his list and then gets depressed cause he's not doing them. He's on anti anxiety pills.

Those are the main problems in our relationship. We've had numerous conversations about his time spent in the garage and how I feel like he doesn't want to be with me in the house, tried to come to a compromise where he spends 3 nights a week in the garage, and 4 nights in the house with me, but it doesn't happen. I hate it when he doesn't come to bed.

I love him and all I want is for us to have a happy little family, but I feel like he's pushing me further and further away without meaning to. I truly believe that if I wasn't pregnant I would be gone. But the baby is both making me want to stay and go at the same time. If I went, i could only go back to my parents so I would feel like a failure moving back with my parents as a single mum and also i wouldn't be able to pay my way there. I can't move back into my house that I rent out as I would lose the rent and wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my maternity leave money while still paying for this house. Plus my OH and his family would hate me for taking their son/grandson away. If I stay then I'm just going to carry on being miserable, feeling unloved and I can only imagine it will feel worse when I'm trying to look after a baby too.

I'm just looking for some guidance to help me decide please. Please don't judge me on what I should have done at various points as its done now and I can only change the future. Please ask questions where you need more info as I've tried not to ramble on too much but it's a lot going on to fit in!

Thank you for your help in advance.

shell1999

Tweeps wrote: »

From what I've read, you are only staying with him because you are pregnant. A baby does not make a relationship work. Going back to your parents house would not make you a failure either. Personally if I was you I would have left him when I found out he cheated.

I was just reading this thinking the same thing, there is no shame in getting out now and I too would have been gone when he cheated.

globetraveller

cmace2 wrote: »

I ended it up forgiving him at the time as I didn't want to be single and pregnant, it was Xmas time with numerous family gatherings that I didn't want to face questions for if we didn't turn up together, and also because he lied and said nothing had happened they only flirted.



I truly believe that if I wasn't pregnant I would be gone.

.

Sometimes just writing things down can help. You know what the answer is. And going back to your parents for a while is not a failure. You need distance from him just now. Who knows- HE may need distance and it may well be that he reassesses his life and sorts out his priorities.
Good luck- I know its painful just now but you will come through it xx

FBaby

It is worrying to think how will cope with all the extra responsibilities that comes with a baby as all these issues will only become more difficult to deal with as parents. However, I am with you trying to work things out for the sake of your baby. You never know, he might have his lightbulb moment and change his ways. You are doing all you can, finding the right balance between showing him that he can't act like a single man having fun whilst still trying not to smother him. I hope things turn out ok for you.

Alikay

You don't have to stay just because you're pregnant. I know it raises several issues such as money and where to live but you've clearly already considered the options and though not ideal, they ARE options. You won't be the first or last woman to have a baby alone and ultimately, going by your boyfriend's level of commitment, I think you'll end up a lone parent anyway.

cmace2

Thank you all. I'm very lucky to have a very supportive family. Even my sister has said I can live with her when bump is born but she lives almost two hours away so it wouldn't be practical in terms of the healthcare side here and I don't think she's fully thought out the impact of me moving in with a newborn! She's absolutely livid with my OH though since she found out he's cheated and will barely speak a word to him at family things.

I've kept my mum up to date with what's been happening and I think she's aware I'm reaching the end of the road so she's coming round today for a chat.

I think a reason why I'm finding it so hard to let go is because I haven't fallen out of love with him, I haven't stopped wanting a relationship with him. HE is the one who cheated, HE is the one filled with empty promises, HE is the one who isn't putting the effort into our relationship, so why am I the one who has to walk away ?

ItchyFeet

Go now - from the sound of it you will end up trying to look after two babies!

kelpie35

If I were you I would leave with your mother when she comes to visit today.

You have tried hard to make this relationship work, but it has all been one sided.

Why should you feel ashamed of being a single mother. It would be better that you bring a baby into this world who will feel safe and secure in a happy home and that is not what you have being with your OH.

I wish you all the happiness in the future. Take care of yourself and your bump.

hazyjo

Not sure why you should be the one to leave, actually...

Can you not boot him out? He'd have to provide something for you and the baby anyway. Any way it could work? Sell up and buy something for you and the baby? Would there be enough equity to buy outright? Even if you use the money to rent/live off for a while. No actual need to buy something.

Know it's a lot to deal with and take in (especially while pregnant), but I find we're usually stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And friends and family are generally very supportive in such circumstances.

Good luck. Please remember you DO have lots of choices and support. You are not trapped.

Also wanted to say that what he's doing isn't necessarily wrong and your way isn't necessarily right. But if you stand back and analyse, they're quite important differences. He does sound a bit like a spoilt child without much consideration for you...

Jx

duchy

cmace2 wrote: »

Thank you all. I'm very lucky to have a very supportive family. Even my sister has said I can live with her when bump is born but she lives almost two hours away so it wouldn't be practical in terms of the healthcare side here

Sorry but that isn't a reason -it's an excuse.
Pregnant women move home all the time...They just find a new doctor/hospital in the new area.

What does he DO in the garage ?
Could you compromise with him limiting the garage to one night a week until the spare room is sorted ?

As for "worrying" if he's not back- You know where he is.....you know he has a record of losing track of time....... unless you think he's actually somewhere else -just accept he gets engrossed- roll over and go back to sleep. You're not a child -you don't need him there to go to sleep surely ?

duchy

cmace2 wrote: »

I think a reason why I'm finding it so hard to let go is because I haven't fallen out of love with him, I haven't stopped wanting a relationship with him. HE is the one who cheated, HE is the one filled with empty promises, HE is the one who isn't putting the effort into our relationship, so why am I the one who has to walk away ?

Because you know life shouldn't be like this and you know you and your child deserve better and rather than sit back and let life happen to you - you are taking control and making it happen....because if you wait for your boyfriend to do it -you'll be waiting a long time if not forever ?

Is that reason enough ?

Decide what you want your life to be twelve months from now and five years from now for you and your little one and then decide if going or staying is going to achieve those goals.