Need some advice please

FBaby

Oh dear why oh why have a child with a man who acts no different to a sulky teenager? Sorry I really don't want to be rude I just genuinely don't understand it.

cmace2

hazyjo wrote: »

Drugs... in what context?

Do you have a joint account? Can you see his bank statements? Do you not see empty alcohol bottles? Look for signs of drug taking.

Sounds to me like he has been mothered excessively and sees you more as a mother replacement than a wife.

Jx

On a few nights out with mates there was meow or something going round so he was stupid and joined in. He used to take drugs in his young twenties with the girlfriend he had at the time, but had stopped before I met him and hadn't to my knowledge until these nights out in December.

Yes we have a joint account, I have a separate account where I'm trying to save money for when the baby comes but it's not really happening.

There are a few empty bottles in the garage but not lots and could have been when he's had his mates over. I haven't kept a close enough eye on them to see how often they are new bottles.

cmace2

FBaby wrote: »

Oh dear why oh why have a child with a man who acts no different to a sulky teenager? Sorry I really don't want to be rude I just genuinely don't understand it.

No offence taken. Of course these are his worst traits as these are what I need help with, so he is probably coming across worse than he is! He does have a good side and I know he would make an excellent father. Like someone said above it could be his lightbulb moment and he stops doing all the idiot things. But of course I'm clinging on to a 'what if' here and maybe he will never change!

Thank you for all your help so far everyone. I know it's hard because you are all offering opinions based on the information you have on this thread, but it is helping me think about things. My mum is here in about an hour and she is very good about being supportive without forcing an opinion or telling me what to do, so I know she won't force me to either leave or stay with him, but will be supportive with whichever I choose.

FBaby

It was me who mentioned the LBM but that was before you mentioned the drink, drugs and sleeping the whole weekend. It is one thing to be good father material in theory and then in practice. Men who themselves act as children themselves expecting others to meet their needs rarely make good fathers. However tout picked him as your baby's father and on this basis I do believe you owe your child to give it a go when they are born.

neneromanova

I would ask him to move out for a few weeks to give you both some space as that's what it seems like he wants. let him go stay with his parents for a couple of weeks and then reassess things from there.

deva

The only things babies really need are love and stability, hope you get things sorted.

You can do whatever you want, I suggest he either thinks he'll always get away with it or he's fallen out of love, just like you.

globetraveller

he may be skyping when he is the garage. He can't do that quietly if he is in the house.
Or perhaps he actually isn't in the garage for most of the time?

Mojisola

cmace2 wrote: »

Another issue is money. My income is higher, his outgoings are higher.

We have a joint account which may not seem like a good idea but even if we had separate accounts I think we would still treat it all like 'our' money.

hazyjo wrote: »

What's stopping you getting someone in?

Ring now for quotes. Get them sorted.

Get rid of the joint account. Save from your salary and get the worst bits of the house repaired.

If he goes overdrawn on an account in his name, that's his problem.

Just the fact that he still hasn't accepted responsibility for his actions but is blaming you says to me that this relationship isn't going to last.

cmace2

Thank you for all your advice. My mum has suggested going out to the garage and sitting in there with a book etc, when he's popping out places go with him. Then if there is something he is hiding it will come out, and I'm making the effort to spend the time together. So if the relationship does fail, it's not because I didn't try. Then after a week or so open up the conversation to how we can do everything that needs doing, what needs doing first, what we need to do to get it done. Then the job list will decrease and the pressure he's putting on himself will decrease.

I genuinely don't believe he's a bad partner, it's just he's got everything he's ever wanted: a house that's not rented, a respectable wife-to-be, a baby on the way. But now he's got it he feels this enormous amount of pressure to be amazing but can't deal with the pressure so is failing and throwing it all away. He needs to grow up and take responsibility now more than ever and I really feel like I want to help him do that. I know some of you probably think I'm an idiot for wanting to stay with him, but I want it to work and have my dream back.

Mojisola

cmace2 wrote: »

I want it to work and have my dream back.

The trouble is you haven't got your dream, you've got him.

He's unlikely to change much so are you going to be happy trying to make him be the person you want him to be?

It's worth following your Mum's advice and see what happens - although I think you following him around is going to lead to massive rows!

Don't spend years trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.:)