How to 'dump' a friend

Brighton_belle

Indie_Kid wrote: »

Unless she's actually done something wrong, I'd find it rude to just ignore her.

I think you should talk to her about this.

Though in fairness Indie Kid, you had difficulty telling a stalker where to go for fear of 'being rude'.

Indie_Kid

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Though in fairness Indie Kid, you had difficulty telling a stalker where to go for fear of 'being rude'.

eh?

The last few people I've had to dump as friends, I've just had to ignore because their idea of friendship is to treat me like !!!! and whinge because I won't talk to them.

Unfortunately, one of them is at my running club. But thankfully, he's never there now.

starrystarry

I've been in a similar situation recently. An old friend got back in touch via FB last Autumn. We were very close for a number of years but the relationship became increasingly toxic for reasons I won't go into and eventually I stopped contacting her as I didn't have the energy to deal with all the trauma. There was no final falling out, we just didn't contact each other.

I wasn't bothered when she contacted me via FB, we messaged each other a few times and it was nice to catch up on each others news, but then she started asking if I'd like to meet up with her and I was torn. Part of me would quite like to see her again but another part of me remembers how needy she was. I've no reason to think that's changed. In fact, from the messages she sent me it's likely she'll be even more needy now than she was 15 yrs ago. I just don't feel I want to invest the time or energy into resurrecting our friendship.

I've just let the FB contact drift away, making excuses for the delays in replying to her messages. I feel pretty bad about this, maybe it would have been kinder to tell her the truth but I couldn't face the inevitable tantrum.

InsideInsurance

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Doesn't seem odd to me - spending a couple of hours with someone I have nothing in common with when I struggle to find the time to do the things I love is excruciating.

Really? I am surprised that anyone is so busy that 2hrs a year is a major chore. Sure there are times when I dont have time and I often cant fit in that 3 week holiday I want but a 2hr lunch or whatnot aint going to solve that

starrystarry wrote: »

I've been in a similar situation recently. An old friend got back in touch via FB last Autumn. We were very close for a number of years but the relationship became increasingly toxic for reasons

Not sure how that is similar? The OP doesnt say that their "friend" has been toxic at all, just they've lost their link and drifted apart.


As others have said, I dont see the need to "dump" them simply because your mutual friend died from what you have said. A very infrequent meeting, one card a year etc isnt a big pull on your time. At the end of the day its your choice and either be direct by telling her thanks for the invite but you're not interested or indirectly by just keep declining saying you're busy or decline and say you;ll let her know whens good for you and just dont contact her again

System

Do you have to 'dump' this person? You can keep saying no to invites but is it really too much to send a Christmas card once a year? I have 'friends' I don't see any more but I'd hate to end a friendship for the sake of it.

I saw a girl I was at school with a few weeks ago. I haven't seen her since I was 16 and I'm now in my 50s. She didn't recognise me at first but I recognised her. By all accounts we are not 'friends' any more but it was nice to spend a few minutes out of my day asking how she was and what she has done with her life.

Amanda65

I think I would be semi honest and just say that you are very busy and struggling to fit in lots at plans at the moment so would rather not commit to anything just now.

Brighton_belle

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Really? I am surprised that anyone is so busy that 2hrs a year is a major chore. Sure there are times when I dont have time and I often cant fit in that 3 week holiday I want but a 2hr lunch or whatnot aint going to solve that

But what value is 2 hrs a year - if it feels like it's perpetuating something that feels false? And the chances are if there is one person like this in your life, you'll have collected quite a few over the years you were too afraid of 'appearing rude' to stop spending time with them. I know several people like this is my life who fear saying no to anyone, getting increasingly exhausted spending time with people who drain their energy with whom they get no pleasure from their company.
You can't stay friends with every single person you ever meet in life - it's ok to let people go when the things you had in common pass, (and others do stay friends for life).


I would (and do) do it to spend 'just 2 hrs a year' with someone I loved seeing but life/distance whatever meant we were unable to see each other more frequently - but I wouldn't do it for someone I had nothing in common with - making small talk.

InsideInsurance

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But what value is 2 hrs a year - if it feels like it's perpetuating something that feels false? And the chances are if there is one person like this in your life, you'll have collected quite a few over the years you were too afraid of 'appearing rude' to stop spending time with them.

<snip>

You can't stay friends with every single person you ever meet in life - it's ok to let people go when the things you had in common pass, (and others do stay friends for life).

Agree you dont have to stay friends with everyone you ever know, and no one is saying that. Just saying that these things naturally peeter out without having to go through a "you're dumped" approach when there hasnt been any negativity.

There isn't anyone that I see very rarely, or even regularly, that I wish I didnt. I am a bit of an introverted people person outside of work, if that possible, so a beer and small talk is fine by me but dont know anyone who I've ever spent 1-2-1 time with outside of work where there is absolutely nothing in common to move conversation into something more than just small talk.

marisco_2

I suggest that you arrange to meet your friend somewhere quiet and just be completely honest with her. That way there is no room left for any doubt that your friendship is over, and it will eliminate any messy repercussions occurring from trying to let things just phase out.

Say something alone the lines of....

(Insert friends name here), I have really given this a lot of thought and I have to do what is best for me. I've noticed our friendship has changed over the past few months, and I wanted to talk to you about it because it's been bothering me for a while. I think it is sad that our friendship has run its course now, but I truly wish you only the best for the future.

You can be totally honest with someone and still be kind. This will go a really long way in maintaining your dignity and your friends self-esteem.

maman

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But what value is 2 hrs a year - if it feels like it's perpetuating something that feels false? And the chances are if there is one person like this in your life, you'll have collected quite a few over the years you were too afraid of 'appearing rude' to stop spending time with them. I know several people like this is my life who fear saying no to anyone, getting increasingly exhausted spending time with people who drain their energy with whom they get no pleasure from their company.
You can't stay friends with every single person you ever meet in life - it's ok to let people go when the things you had in common pass, (and others do stay friends for life).


I would (and do) do it to spend 'just 2 hrs a year' with someone I loved seeing but life/distance whatever meant we were unable to see each other more frequently - but I wouldn't do it for someone I had nothing in common with - making small talk.

I think we do need to bear in mind that OP hasn't had any problems/toxic relationship with her old 'friend' just that she's moved on and no longer shares common interests.


Personally I consider a bit of small talk, even with people I've little in common with, good manners. I do value my time highly but not so much that I have to analyse and prioritise whether someone is deserving of it.


I suppose that's another thing about message boards. You meet all sorts. There are some I would willingly meet up with in RL and others where you might just make an occasional post on a thread.