How to 'dump' a friend

Lovelyjoolz

I've been dumped by a friend by letter because she didn't feel I had enough time for her. She was a stay at home mum, feeling lonely, who liked to talk for hours on the phone every day. I live 4 hours away from her and work very long hours and I'm just not the kind of person who needs or particularly wants to talk to my friends on a daily basis. Our perspectives were too different. Because I didn't call her several times a week I wasn't investing enough and she prefered to cut me off. Several years later I'm still bemused and miss her (and her fantastic cooking) very much.

Dumping is horrid and it hurts so only do it if you really feel its necessary. I mean, she's not texting you daily insisting you meet RIGHT NOW is she? You can let it slide and see what happens. Meeting up might be forgotten about for months and months and vague "we should meet up soon" comments often come to nothing. Who knows, maybe next time she asks you'll feel differently.

I really don't see the point in dumping a friend. Unless they are particularly toxic to you. She sounds harmless.

Brighton_belle

Katem wrote: »

... don't accept any invitations and say something along the lines of "dunno what I'm doing on 26th, I'll get back to you"

Now I couldn't do that - deliberately not get back to them when I said I would - that would feel much worse to me.

savingmummy

I see no reason to DUMP her if she has done no wrong!
Maybe say no to meeting up but still send Christmas cards and maybe random how are you texts.


You can never have too many friends.

AubreyMac

Thanks all.
I understand ‘dump’ was a strong and harsh choice of word, but I don’t know how else to articulate it. Cut contact/ties, lose touch, don’t want to see again all means pretty much same as ‘dump’.

I have agreed to meet with her for lunch in a couple of weeks and I will follow this through. Tbh I don’t really want to tell her to her face that our friendship is over and to never contact me again, as she has done nothing wrong. It’s just that.....well, we were never that close to begin with so why bother now? We don’t live that close to each other so if she thinks meeting up will become a regular occurrence, that’ll just be a chore to me. I don’t mind being acquaintances and don’t mind sending the annual xmas card.

I understand and accept that by agreeing to meet with her (I was put on the spot) I’ve probably mislead her to think that I’m really enthusiastic of it. I’d like to go with option 1 above and not do it again, I worry about at the end of the lunch she might want to arrange the next one there and then.

Kayalana99

I think you agreed to do something because you didn't want to hurt someones feelings, and now your over thinking it.

It's one meet. Go ..try and have fun.. and if she asks you again to meet up then you can make some excuse that you have a lot on etc and then just phase her out...i.e not sending christmas cards back.

No reason for a big debate...keep life simple...

AubreyMac

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I think you agreed to do something because you didn't want to hurt someones feelings, and now your over thinking it.

It's one meet. Go ..try and have fun.. and if she asks you again to meet up then you can make some excuse that you have a lot on etc and then just phase her out...i.e not sending christmas cards back.

No reason for a big debate...keep life simple...

I think you're right. Thanks for that.

jaylee3

Judi wrote: »

Do you have to 'dump' this person? You can keep saying no to invites but is it really too much to send a Christmas card once a year? I have 'friends' I don't see any more but I'd hate to end a friendship for the sake of it.

I saw a girl I was at school with a few weeks ago. I haven't seen her since I was 16 and I'm now in my 50s. She didn't recognise me at first but I recognised her. By all accounts we are not 'friends' any more but it was nice to spend a few minutes out of my day asking how she was and what she has done with her life.

This ^^^ I genuinely cannot see any harm in meeting up for a coffee for an hour, a couple of times a year. Are people really that busy/uncaring that they can't be arsed to give about TWO HOURS a year to someone? What a sad world we live in that people have this attitude.

If someone was treating me like sh-t, letting me down etc, or blatantly not returning my calls/texts and putting off meeting me, I would kick 'em to the kerb. But this lady certainly doesn't sound like she deserves to be 'dumped.' She is making a conscious effort to be friendly. Rare in this world, if you ask me.

If however, you still feel you can't give an hour of your precious time twice a year, then don't bother contacting her. There is no way to tell her you can't be arsed with her, without hurting her feelings. If you don't respond, she will get bored: if you're lucky!

starrystarry

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Not sure how that is similar? The OP doesnt say that their "friend" has been toxic at all, just they've lost their link and drifted apart.

Similar in that it's a friend that I no longer want to be in touch with. I didn't say our situations were the same, hence the word "similar".

woodformoretrees

Have you considered, if the bed sheet idea doesn't work (and I'm not sure why it wouldn't) having a tattoo, and this could be the henna version, it doesn't need to be all permanent, on your forehead. Arrange a coffee and sit there with a "I no wanna see ya no more, B***ch" henna creation across your forehead. Obviously it won't be personal, but she may just choose to not contact you any more? Sorted.
If this fails, then maybe you could just spend, ooooh, 120 minutes a year having a coffee with this woman and get over your all important self?

dandelionclock30

When people dont want to be friends with someone, they tend to not return calls, say they are too busy, etc, etc and then the friend takes the hint and thats that.
You dont have to give someone a detailed sit down explanation saying that you dont feel you have that much in common.Its not a husband your divorcing its a casual friend. At the end of the day this friend might be relieved as she was wanting to dump you but was too polite to do so.