How to 'dump' a friend

Kayalana99

lazer wrote: »

I thik just not responding is the wrong way to go about it, if she is anything like me, she will wonder why, wonder if she has done anything wrong etc, so i think you have to let her know.

When she asks to meet up, just be reasonably honest, (maybe a bit of sugar coating), say you are busy, and don't really se the point in making time to meet up, as you don't really have much in common etc

So instead of ignoring her and letting her wonder 'if' its her...you'd rather her say that she doesn't see the point in meeting up (and leaving her knowing its her)

...I think i'd want the first option?

There is no way to do it without being a little hurtful ~ so just try to let her down gently but firmly...

lazer

Kayalana99 wrote: »

So instead of ignoring her and letting her wonder 'if' its her...you'd rather her say that she doesn't see the point in meeting up (and leaving her knowing its her)

...I think i'd want the first option?

I would want the second, reality is better than ignorance.

If you ignore them, they will continue to send Christmas cards, and probably text occassionally etc.

Kayalana99

lazer wrote: »

I would want the second, reality is better than ignorance.

If you ignore them, they will continue to send Christmas cards, and probably text occassionally etc.

Id want honestly yes, but if I text someone saying do you want to go for a coffee and they text back " I don't see the point" I'd be wondering what the hell I did/what was wrong etc then if I just didn't get a reply.

tea_lover

lazer wrote: »

If you ignore them, they will continue to send Christmas cards, and probably text occassionally etc.

Is that really so awful though? It's not like there's a Christmas card quota and getting one from an aquaintance means you miss out on ones from 'proper' friends.

Brighton_belle

maman wrote: »

Personally I consider a bit of small talk, even with people I've little in common with, good manners. I do value my time highly but not so much that I have to analyse and prioritise whether someone is deserving of it.

So do I and do it every day in day to day life but not in my spare time that I might have to spend 1-2-1'. But some people need to learn it is ok to cherish themselves and say no to something they just don't want to do rather than endless meet (their perception of) other peoples needs for fear of being thought 'selfish' or 'too self important' if they don't. I rate kindness, but sometimes being real and honest is kindness too if said the right way.
Let's say for example, you have ill health and are a carer for someone with worse health and rarely get any of your own social needs met, then you might, in that life circumstance consider not spending the 2 free hrs you get a fortnight to do what ever you please, with someone with whom you have nothing in common.
I've seen a number of people (and a number of friends over the years) run ragged by guilt and obligation and the fear of 'being horrible' and not like able just by not being able to say a polite and firm no, I'm really sorry, I just can't at the moment and I'm not sure when that will change.

lazer

tea_lover wrote: »

Is that really so awful though? It's not like there's a Christmas card quota and getting one from an aquaintance means you miss out on ones from 'proper' friends.

It's awful for the friend - I have been in the position with a friend, we were very close friends for years, and I still don't know why but she cut contact and stop replying to messages etc, but I kept trying thinking she was just busy etc.

The rejection hurts, and a few months ago she contacted me out of the blue saying she missed me, but for the first time ever with her I have put myself first, and sent a long reply back saying how I had really valued her friendship, but the fact she simply cut me of, missed very important events in my life etc, quite simply hurt me and had a negative effect on me and I couldn't go through it again, wished her all the best and said goodbye.

Brighton_belle

Lazer - that does sound awful.
I get the impression with the OP though, this is someone she was never that close too, more friends with via someone else.
I think using the word 'dump' in the thread title probably wasn't helpful, as it sounds mean when the person hasn't been horrible or anything.

lazer

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Lazer - that does sound awful.
I get the impression with the OP though, this is someone she was never that close too, more friends with via someone else.

Regardless of who the person is - I think honesty is better than wasting their time - if it was only Christmas cards, I was go say go ahead and stop them but when they text to meet up, they obviously think you are worth their time, so it's right to let them know that you don't feel the same.

As for my "friend" with hindsight now, I am far better of without her, she was always a bit selfish, and everything was done her way or no way - she was always late for things, changed plans last minute, wanted a free lift here, there and everywhere. It has made me more skeptical though, and I don't waste time or energy anymore on "toxic" people.

cheeswright

AubreyMac wrote: »

I have a friend that I don’t really want to keep in touch with anymore.

Nothing bad has happened between us, but as time has gone on contact has been less.
so you had both moved on from each other
I think it’s natural to just move on and that’s just life. You meet people, be friends for a while and as life goes on some just fall by the wayside.

Also, I only know this friend via another person who passed away a few years ago. So it’s difficult keeping in touch when you only know them through someone else who’s now gone.

She sends me a xmas card each year and only last year I feel obliged to return the gesture.
but you changed the way you reacted to her

Lately she’s texted me suggesting we should meet up.
and so she subsequently changed the way she reacted to you
I agreed to it
and you responded positively -
as I felt a bit put on the spot

even if you wish you hadn’t
What would you do in this case?

you've made a mistake and now you cant get out of it and still look like an angel

you can do 3 things
1. what you said you were going to - but make sure you dont do it again
2. make an excuse
3. explain that although you said you’d like to meet up - you actually wouldn’t

one will leave you both with some self esteem
two is mean
three is slightly deranged.......

Katem

I don't think you need do anything as blunt as "dumping" tbh. Don't make the first move, don't return Christmas cards etc and don't accept any invitations and say something along the lines of "dunno what I'm doing on 26th, I'll get back to you" or "I don't fancy it but thanks anyway". This friend will soon get sick of chasing you and will become someone who, if you pass in the street, you can nod and smile but not spend much time with - we all have people we know like this.

A word of advice though. Don't burn your bridges with friends - none of us knows when we will need them at a given point in life and to be openly dumping someone when there's no "blame" may come back to bite you on the !!!!.