Entitlement, expectation and reality

PlymouthMaid

That is quite mean of your kids OP but perhaps it sounds worse written down. My girls are grown now and had only one foreign holiday as they grew up. Definitely no private school either. In fact, the only person I have ever known who attended a private school is my current OH and he went because social services sent him as he was in care and it didn't do him much good. I think my girls know they were loved and had what we could provide and I don't think they resent the things they did not have as they are too sensible.

Bennifred

Does anyone else think, despite having some sympathy for the OP, that the parents of these "I am entitled" offspring bear some of the blame for rearing them that way?

I'd be mortified if any of my adult children had this attitude.

MrsAtobe

What I am about to post, I post in a spirit of sharing, I really don't want/expect sympathy. It is what it is, and nothing can change it now.

I am the youngest (by far - to quote my mum, I was 'the mistake' and if she hadn't have married my father 'would never have had me') of three, my siblings grew up in a stable home life. My parents divorced when I was six, and my mum died when I was just into my teens. My father at then time was working in the Middle East, and really didn't want me. My mother was an out and out snob, and if she could have afforded for me ton have a private education and then sent me to finishing school, then she would have. Insert rolls eyes smiley here, thatbisnso not me.

Do I wish that I'd had the opportunities that my siblings had? The holidays abroad, the skiing trips, the musical tuition? Of course I do. Do I feel a sense of entitlement to what they had? No, my life is what has shaped me, and made me the person that I am. And I am proud that I've got to where I am in life, struggled and worked for what I have, without the advantage that my siblings had, whatever they may be. In fact one of my managers, when I gave a brief outline of my childhood, made the comment that he was surprised that I'd turned out as well as I had. I was surprised that he had such low expectations.

marisco_2

CH27 wrote: »

The selfishness is gobsmacking :eek:

As is the ever present underlying fear of possible repercussions, that must be fuelling the parents decision to keep saying 'yes dear' to such ludicrous demands and expectations from their grown children. It is sickening how some adults choose to treat their parents.

System

I think we had 4 holiday abroad when I was younger but we always had a family holiday in Suffolk each year so I never felt like if missed out on holidays. I understood we were a family of 6, and that meant that a lot of things cost more. We had loads of day trips and I have find memories of them. Yes there were school trips we couldn't afford, but my parens made sure all of us each went on the year 7 French trip.

I've never felt ungrateful towards my parents, they worked hard to raise us and give us the best they could, and they've always tried to treat each of is four kids equally. I admit my parents did bail me out a few times at uni, which to my siblings may seem unfair, but I'm sure if my siblings needed help, they'd do the best they could. In comparison I never went home after uni, I stayed here as basically they didn't have the room, but they let my sister move back and live rent free so she could save towards travelling, but I don't see that as unfair. As much as they try to treat us all equally I do understand it may come at different time and different ways.

If god forbid I ever get married I wouldn't expect a penny from my parents, as far I'm concerned if I ever marry it's mine and potential husband to be's responsibility to pay for it, likewise I wouldn't expect money towards a house deposit. To be honest I know my parents only have a limited time left on this earth (morbid I know) and I want them to be comfortable and enjoy the time they have left with each other and us.

justme111

It may well be taken out of context and twisted somewhat , often people who get offended by something do precisely that sort of things. I feel guilty often when I see children who's parents do geocatching with them , children who have perfect handwriting , who can do great handcrafting or artwork , motivated to excell at private schools or can throw a 3 course meal at the age of 10. But then I remember that I am not perfect and my daughter has experiences and qualities other could be envious of and don't feel too bad. Time will tell what she thinks of my parenting

GobbledyGook

I worry that my children will end up either being spoilt because we do have more money that I ever expected or will resent the fact that I don't see that being able to afford something means they should automatically get it. I do wonder if they'll resent (or maybe regret) our decision not to send them to private school.

The difference between my childhood and theirs couldn't really be wider. They haven't had it all easy, the time of my divorce wasn't particularly pleasant, but we've worked really hard to give them a good life.

I find it hard to find the balance between treating them sometimes because I can and not spoiling them, but not being mean either. My parents were drug addicts and my father was evil so I know they've had a better life, but equally I don't want them to feel like they have to be grateful because I didn't beat and starve them as it was my life that wasn't normal, it shouldn't be a barometer for theirs.

I think entitled adult children usually come from parents who don't say no. I think when they are children it's often an easier life to just say yes - I could just buy my 10 year old the new skates she wants, but I think it's a better lesson for her to save her pocket money because her skates broke due to her carelessness. It's a pain listening to the mumphing and moaning though! I'm letting her do some extra jobs to make the money quicker as I want her to learn that working hard has benefits.

Then as they get older, and especially when grandchildren come into it, they get a fear of saying no because it could mean that the 'child' will stop talking to them and/or stop them seeing the grandchildren. I also think the expectation culture is coupled with a lack of respect - both from children to their parents, but also the other way - the way some people speak to (and about) their children is awful!

When they are older I want them to know that if they need to borrow£500 because the car broke down, the boiler broke and the washing machine leaked all in the same month and I have it then they can absolutely have it. I want them to know that if there is money in my purse then they'll have food in their bellies and a roof over their head.

However at the same time I want them to know that if they spend their wages/savings/pocket money on crisps/chocolates/expensive shoes then I won't be funding their flash car or exotic holidays.

I think what I hope is that they'll know if they ask to borrow money then they'll get it because I'll know (I hope) that they'll only ask if they really need it and/or can pay it back.

DevilsAdvocate1

I don't think my children think about money in the same way that I did. My son came to me last night and explained that the university he wants to go to is in America. I had to tell him that there was no way we could afford that and it would be hard enough if he went to one in this country. Also, what if he was homesick - much easier to go home for a weekend if you are in the same country. And he doesn't like flying.

Sadly, I see it as my job to lower his expectations. We had quite a frank talk and I think he can see my reasoning. But sometimes I think he gets carried away by what he hears other families doing.

AlexLK

By contrast to most here, I had a private education and went on lots of holidays abroad as a child. I was also given a large sum of money by my parents a 18 but had no financial education - it was consequently spent on having a good time and not on a house or investments. Had I been sensible I'd have no mortgage now. However, it did not make me happy, in fact it caused an awful lot of heartache in the end. Now I am married with a son of my own. My (state educated) wife is the main earner, I was and still am in a bad place but have something for my son that my parents never had for me: time. His upbringing will be very different to mine, I suspect and whilst I would like him to also be privately educated, I doubt he will become an obnoxious bully of a young man. I also hope he doesn't grow up to feel as if he has nobody to turn to and as if he is worthless.

My point is material wealth is perhaps quite low on the list of qualities that a good parent possesses.

HPoirot

I did have a private education but rarely ever went on holiday, never had the latest gadget or fashion. It might have bothered me at the time that my friends had all the latest stuff, more pocket money, etc - which my parents would think was terribly tacky for some reason.

But seriously, now as an adult? My childhood was what it was. I agree with Gobbledygook that it is a serious lack of respect that prompts people to blame their parents for anything and everything and for the parents to bend over backwards to please their adult children in case they don't like them anymore. If I were the OP, I would tell the ungrateful sods where to go.