Entitlement, expectation and reality

newcook

Sorry OP but I agree with the other that your children sound very ungrateful!

I remember wanting to go to boarding school when I was a child but I was reading books such as 'Mallory Towers' and 'The Twins at St Claires' and thought it sounded a rather spiffing place!

peachyprice

How sad that your children feel you have failed them because you didn't provide a private education or luxury holidays.

Do you think it's a reflection on their own expectations or rather that they feel they've missed out compared to their peers in the circles they are now moving in?

TBH, I would be devastated if my children said that to me. I didn't provide them with a private education, there was never any expectation or intention to. I have given them many years of wonderful holidays, not necessarily luxurious but certainly great experiences, which I know they appreciate.

I have also provided them with a loving home and supported them in anything they've wanted to do, they've never said I didn't give them enough, they've admitted once or twice they didn't make the most of the opportunities I did/would have given them, but that's something they've come to realise with age.

I think your children have been very unfair and unkind to say such things to you, perhaps when they have children of their own they'll understand how difficult it is to give children everything laid on a platter.

Cloudydaze

I've had some pretty frank discussions with my mum about my education & childhood!!

Just before I started secondary school, we moved to a rural picturesque idyllic country village. We went to the local comp as it was the only school that had a free bus. However, the school was very liberal and not very academic. I'm very competitive so I didn't exactly thrive in that sort of environment. I don't think I reached my potential.

My mum didn't drive so this put all sorts of restrictions on my social life. I couldn't do after school clubs or meet up with my friends after school. I feel I missed out. The choice of friends to hangout with in my village was limited and I never really felt I had any good friends. I spent a lot of time in the holidays on my own.

I did get the foreign holidays. Camping in France & Italy which I have many fond memories of.

My parents did help fund cars for both me and my brother which made a huge difference 17+. I did my A-Levels in a much bigger town and made a lot more like-minded friends.

I don't blame my parents at all though, I know they did what they thought was best at the time. They still live in the same place. At least now I have a beautiful bolthole to escape to whenever I want.

FBaby

I recently asked my kids (11 and 14) as part as a discussion we were having about life if they wished we were richer and whether they would want to earn more as adults. I was expected a yes because I assumed children always want more, so was very surprised when they both said that they thought the family income was good and they would wish to earn the same themselves as adults. We earn a decent amount, but certainly don't have the life of luxury. We do go on holiday abroad, but that's because I highly value holidays. We have been to a couple of very nice holidays and have another one plan next year, but nothing like Florida or the carribeans! As for private education we have considered it, but I don't think it is necessary and don't want to put the pressure on them that if we had to do with less to afford their education, they should be getting excellent results and chosing a good career. In any case, even if was offered now, they wouldn't want it!

I am wondering if maybe you didn't involve them so much in discussion about family finances, not when little but maybe as teenagers. Either you just couldn't afford any of these things, and in that case, they should respect you did the best with what you could, or you made choices for them without consulting them thinking it was best for them and that is what they resent now?

TopQuark

Perhaps as others have said, this is the influence of others OP. Both myself and my sister were born in the 80s and never had a foreign holiday until we were old enough to pay for it ourselves. We went to a bog standard comprehensive school and I never met anyone who went to public school until I went to university. There I found people fell into two camps; those who looked down on the state-educated students, and those who did not. It didn't make any difference to me though; I simply ignored the snobs.

Since entering the world of work I have encountered some class-based prejudice though. For example, years ago I went to an interview at GCHQ. One of the first questions I was asked was what school I went to. I was confused at first and thought the person asking the question meant school as in university, like the Americans use it. When I replied, I was corrected and asked again. As I was saying the name of my school, it dawned on me that this was the wrong answer and no matter how well I did from this point onwards, all my answers would be wrong as I went to the 'wrong' kind of school. Never mind I had a PhD in chemistry. Not public school = no coming in. Or at least in this situation anyway.

Could it be something like this that has triggered things OP?

elsien

I kind of work on the basis that what happened happened, you can't change it so there's no point dwelling on it.
We were army brats so lived in lovely hot climes, went to the beach most afternoons and generally had a ball. The downside was that at age 11 we had to go to a private boarding school and the lovely times were limited to school holidays. Which in some senses probably does make us privileged, although me and the school never got on that well.
My mum asked me not long back did we regret it, did we wish they'd done things differently, as in come back to England instead of sending us to school. And I could honestly say I'd never given it that much thought - my childhood was what it was, it can't be changed, it had good bits and bad bits which is life really. They did what they thought was best at the time which is all anyone can do, so what's the point on dwelling on it and thinking "what if?".
That's how I look on it anyway.

Tigsteroonie

desert_rose wrote: »

Following on from another thread that talks about how people have been helped or not with wedding deposits, house deposits, homework when children and I'm reminded of my own grown up kids telling me that they feel they missed out when younger because they didn't have a private education and we didn't have foreign holidays either.

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum, I was deprived as a child, I didn't have a private education :rotfl: Seriously? :rotfl:

I was fortunate, I did have foreign holidays. My Mum worked part-time (school hours) so that we would have this extra income to spend on such things. But that was just one holiday per year, the other was spent in sunny Bournemouth. And my parents certainly couldn't afford to send me on expensive school-based holidays skiing etc.

Marley didn't have foreign holidays. I don't think they even had UK holidays. Clothes were hand-me downs, food was stretched to the limit. When I hear about his childhood, I think myself very fortunate.

thorsoak

I have just heard of one of the most horrendous tales of expectation .....friends have one son who is now almost 30.

They contributed over £20,000 to a wedding (which lasted for just 8 months), when the wedding broke down they gave him another £10,000 so that he could buy out the other half's share of house deposit. Now this son has a new partner and has asked them for a similar amount for this wedding (after all, she hasn't been married before and he should give her the same sort of wedding as wife no 1!)

Son and new partner have just had a new baby - and now it transpires that when maternity leave is over, they EXPECT his mother to drive 160 miles on a Monday evening, look after the baby all day Tuesday, then drive 160 miles back home Tuesday evening - and they will give her £25 for her petrol! Oh - and friend has osteoporosis, and could well have trouble picking up the baby as she has a couple of fractures in her spine.

I'm staggered to find out that they are intending to go this!

geoffky

I would of shown them the door the minute they said it...Ungrateful swines..

CH27

thorsoak wrote: »

I have just heard of one of the most horrendous tales of expectation .....friends have one son who is now almost 30.

They contributed over £20,000 to a wedding (which lasted for just 8 months), when the wedding broke down they gave him another £10,000 so that he could buy out the other half's share of house deposit. Now this son has a new partner and has asked them for a similar amount for this wedding (after all, she hasn't been married before and he should give her the same sort of wedding as wife no 1!)

Son and new partner have just had a new baby - and now it transpires that when maternity leave is over, they EXPECT his mother to drive 160 miles on a Monday evening, look after the baby all day Tuesday, then drive 160 miles back home Tuesday evening - and they will give her £25 for her petrol! Oh - and friend has osteoporosis, and could well have trouble picking up the baby as she has a couple of fractures in her spine.

I'm staggered to find out that they are intending to go this!

The selfishness is gobsmacking :eek: