Entitlement, expectation and reality

lostinrates

thorsoak wrote: »

I have just heard of one of the most horrendous tales of expectation .....friends have one son who is now almost 30.

They contributed over £20,000 to a wedding (which lasted for just 8 months), when the wedding broke down they gave him another £10,000 so that he could buy out the other half's share of house deposit. Now this son has a new partner and has asked them for a similar amount for this wedding (after all, she hasn't been married before and he should give her the same sort of wedding as wife no 1!)

Son and new partner have just had a new baby - and now it transpires that when maternity leave is over, they EXPECT his mother to drive 160 miles on a Monday evening, look after the baby all day Tuesday, then drive 160 miles back home Tuesday evening - and they will give her £25 for her petrol! Oh - and friend has osteoporosis, and could well have trouble picking up the baby as she has a couple of fractures in her spine.

I'm staggered to find out that they are intending to go this!

Why are they just saying yes?

I have heard people telling such stories of horror about their families that sometimes make me think why, and other times make me smile. The smile is because the other side say something different an an observer regards something pretty equally disfunctional.

thorsoak

I think that they've paid out all through the years to this ungrateful little s*d, that they now think that they just have to ....I wouldn't put it past him to say "well, if you can't come down and help us, you won't ever see her"!

They just can't see that it's not their problem about the babysitting ...... "well, they both have to go to work"....

Gigervamp

newcook wrote: »

I remember wanting to go to boarding school when I was a child but I was reading books such as 'Mallory Towers' and 'The Twins at St Claires' and thought it sounded a rather spiffing place!

Haha, me too! Didn't help that my mum had spent some time at a boarding school and had told me tales of her and her friends mischief making!

OP, I agree with the others that your children were very unkind and ungrateful.

meritaten

I cant quite get my head round adult children complaining they didn't have a private education. or foreign holidays. sounds to me like they are blaming you for their own shortcomings. ungrateful sods!
I didn't even get UK holidays - I knew kids who went away to Butlins or Pontins or camping for a week or two - but, foreign holidays were almost unheard of in South Wales valleys in the 50s and 60s and even into the 70s. Mum used to take us kids on 'coach trips' to the seaside through the summer holidays. I cant say I felt deprived - we had some lovely days out!
I counted myself extremely fortunate to go on a trip with the school choir to Belgium and France when I was 12. and was well aware that my parents sacrificed a lot to pay for me to go.

Spendless

meritaten wrote: »

I cant quite get my head round adult children complaining they didn't have a private education. or foreign holidays. sounds to me like they are blaming you for their own shortcomings. ungrateful sods!

Me neither. I'm wondering if the OP is/was very wealthy. I believe I've read that Paul McCartney's grown up kid/s have told him they weren't happy to be sent to a state school.

peachyprice

thorsoak wrote: »

I have just heard of one of the most horrendous tales of expectation .....friends have one son who is now almost 30.

They contributed over £20,000 to a wedding (which lasted for just 8 months), when the wedding broke down they gave him another £10,000 so that he could buy out the other half's share of house deposit. Now this son has a new partner and has asked them for a similar amount for this wedding (after all, she hasn't been married before and he should give her the same sort of wedding as wife no 1!)

Son and new partner have just had a new baby - and now it transpires that when maternity leave is over, they EXPECT his mother to drive 160 miles on a Monday evening, look after the baby all day Tuesday, then drive 160 miles back home Tuesday evening - and they will give her £25 for her petrol! Oh - and friend has osteoporosis, and could well have trouble picking up the baby as she has a couple of fractures in her spine.

I'm staggered to find out that they are intending to go this!

The parents could just say no rather than continue to enable their grown up spoilt brat.

Mojisola

thorsoak wrote: »

I think that they've paid out all through the years to this ungrateful little s*d, that they now think that they just have to .....

They've created the little s*d by their actions. If he has always had what he wanted, why would he suddenly start to stand on his own two feet?

sulphate

For what it's worth, I had a private education til I went into sixth form and I think my parents should have spent the money on something else, I didn't get the typical 10 As that all my peers did so I feel that I wasted their money tbh!

Both sets of parents contributed a little to our wedding and house deposit, because they WANTED to, not because we expected them to. There's a difference.

Personally I don't get the hype of foreign holidays, I don't see how a kid will miss out by going on holiday in this country instead of abroad. In fact my favourite holidays have all been in the UK!

Haha I remember once when I was about 11-12 my school offered us all the opportunity to go on this skiing trip. I really wanted to go but my parents wouldn't let me because I was born with leg/ankle problems and were convinced that I would get seriously hurt. I actually thought it was because they couldn't afford it but didn't want to say - almost everyone else in my year went. One of the girls came back with a broken leg. I was immediately relieved I hadn't gone!

Husband and I lived with my parents for 2 years when he was at uni/I was on a low income/we were saving up for a house deposit. As soon as we had enough I couldn't wait to get out (could be something to do with my other recent thread though...) but I have a couple of friends who are my age (26) and older who have been graduated from uni for several years and aren't remotely interested in getting a decent job (or even any job at all...) and aren't even thinking of moving out because "wahhhh it's too expensive"! Well, maybe if you stopped spending all your money on nights out and foreign holidays/travelling! They all have this expectation that their parents will fund them until....? Some of them even seem to have this pattern that they work for a year, quit, go travelling, come back and the cycle continues.

And they're all shocked/envious that we recently bought a house...!

All I can think of is that they must have really cushy home lives, to be not far off 30 and not feel like they should be at least thinking about moving out soon. Most of them aren't even saving anything.

marisco_2

I believe that the way you give to children as they grow up either helps them develop an understanding of earning things, or nurtures a sense of false entitlement because they’re usually getting what they want, when they want it. They think they're entitled to things and tell their parents they have missed out if they didn't receive them, regardless of the family’s financial situation. The attitude of someone with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.” Very unbecoming behaviour in a grown adult.

meritaten

Mojisola wrote: »

They've created the little s*d by their actions. If he has always had what he wanted, why would he suddenly start to stand on his own two feet?

I don't think that is always the case mojisola. When I was ten the girl next door was about 13 and we were great friends. she let me tag along with her even when her schoolfriends visited and she was my brothers babysitter. her dad died when she was about 14 and I vaguely remember him. he was a painter and decorator and really quite artistic.
anyway, she went off to university, and her mum who was a school cleaner, suddenly took on all these extra cleaning jobs!
She rarely came home on holidays but one summer (I think) she came home for a week or two. and spent it moaning to me that her mother wasn't sending enough money, she had to sponge off her friends. she couldn't bring friends home because her mother was a cleaner, her brothers were miners and the house was a tip! and ..............even worse, her father had painted a 'muriel' on the living room wall! (it wasn't of the 'flying ducks variety - I thought it was beautiful and her mum refused to paint over it). it was of the 'Trompe de oile' and depicted a gorgeous garden through a window - would cost a fortune these days!
we fell out - she had turned into a right snotty beetch! my nan said 'her head has been turned by her posh friends'. and I think that is what happened.
her mum was lovely - a hardworking woman who only died last year at the age of 90.