Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

eyeopener2

rubyinthesky wrote: »

I'm just entering my second month with StepChange. I phoned them on the Thursday of one week towards end of March and it was all set up by the following Friday and creditors contacted. Seems a little odd that things would be so behind just a few weeks later.

That's the thing I don't understand. You do a lot of the work yourself, sending letters to creditors, using ST templates, opening a new bank account etc. They didn't actually do much initially other than go through my budget and reassure me. Maybe it's different in Scotland wiithe the DAS being all official rather than A DMP which is not.

BigAunty

financialdisease wrote: »

I am at a stage now where the debt is not the main issue its seeing and understanding just how much he has controlled me, he just can't see it he knows he can be nasty but doesn't agree thats he is controlling im questioning if I want that for the rest of my life and if he can't see it he can't change it sad

I've been posting links to the Womens Aid website on some threads in the Relationship forum and while I'm absolutely not suggesting domestic abuse or seeing it in every relationship breakdown posted on this forum, their website is an eye opener.

It has lots of info there to explain the causes of controlling relationships, the power imbalance between some individuals in a couple, how those who are the controllers frequently don't recognise that this is an issue and are very reluctant to change, that even if they beg and promise to change, they simply can't do it.

It kind of sounds very 70s spare rib feminist as it's explained as part of patriarchy but they refer to a notion called 'male privilege' where their behaviour is thoroughly entrenched and their need to dominate is completely embedded in the relationship.

The controller believes 100% that they are entitled to power over their partner and believes their partner simply exists to serve them in the domestic sphere, that they sometimes suffer from sexual jealousy and possessiveness becaue of this sense of entitlement and ownership.

Due to their sincere belief that they are the superior partner in the relationship, they develop all sorts of tactics (pressure, criticism, disrespect, threats, denial) to get what they want, what they feel they deserve and are naturally entitled to.

Their whole identity is bound up with controlling the other - to accept that they are control freaks is nigh on impossible. Recognising their flaws is very hard for them to do as they lack insight that what they are doing is wrong and they would have to relinquish the privileges that they enjoy and see as their right.

eyeopener2

I was in a controlling marriage, but wasn't married to a man. Horrendous time but I got out of it in one piece (just). Everything said above is correct but it certainly isn't solely a male preserve

BigAunty

eyeopener2 wrote: »

I was in a controlling marriage, but wasn't married to a man. Horrendous time but I got out of it in one piece (just). Everything said above is correct but it certainly isn't solely a male preserve

yes, I expect their is a term to cover the imbalance in same sex relationships or one where the female dominates.

The main point about this 'privilege' is that the privileged party doesn't see that they have the advantage, even though most of their behaviour is about maintaining this unequal status quo and automatically treating the other party as subservient to their will and a lesser species.

I think the best expression I've heard about this is that it's like a fish that doesn't even notice the water its swimming in, it's just so natural to them.

I think the OP is now having their deferred and retrospective 'Light Bulb Moment' where they are belatedly realising

a) a number of actions, decisions and judgements in the past where they were lorded over
b) how the discriminatory and prejudiced behaviour they experienced was presented at the time as if it was right and natural
c) how deeply the perpetrator of the wrong is convinced that it is actually them that is the victim....

in_need_of_direction

Hi fd, just checking in to see if you're ok? Hopefully you've not been on cos you're busy sorting out stuff in real life.

financialdisease

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

Hi fd, just checking in to see if you're ok? Hopefully you've not been on cos you're busy sorting out stuff in real life.

Hia thank you for caring :beer:

Unfortunately things are exactly the same the DAS still hasn't been set up and he has still not moved out I am simply living in limbo. I have asked him to move out as a trial separation but he has been stalling over and over

tgroom57

My ex never moved out. He just hung in there because he figured if he forced me and our 2 children (4 & 7) to move out he would get the house and I would have no claim on it.

On the plus side the tax office took my word over his that we were living separately in the same house. If you consider you are living separately, then you are. Consider him a lodger.

Brenny

financialdisease wrote: »

Hia thank you for caring :beer:

Unfortunately things are exactly the same the DAS still hasn't been set up and he has still not moved out I am simply living in limbo. I have asked him to move out as a trial separation but he has been stalling over and over

Thank you for the update. There are a lot of people on here who care about you so please don't think silence is anything other than giving you the space you obviously needed. Take care.

financialdisease

Thank you ♥

To be honest I am drained by it all, its on my mind every second of the day going between heartbreak, anger and desperation for everything to be okay and go back to before but no matter how much I want it to the feelings just wont go away.

Brenny

Have you been to your doctor''s?

It does sound as if you need extra support and that's what they are there for....