Living together - doubts

missingmum

CH27 wrote: »

In your long post you haven't said one positive thing about continuing your relationship with him never mind moving in with him.

I haven't because I have no concerns about the rest of the relationship. We get on fantastically. We very rarely have cross words. We have very many common interests. He treats me incredibly well. We spend all our free time together and have done for the past 18 months. I cannot honestly imagine my life without him now and he tells me the same.

I have for the past 6 months, been more or less living at his place, its more a case of moving my stuff into his place now and giving up my house. I feel I have tested "us" well enough to know that we can live together and be very happy doing so if it wasnt for the daughter.

He assures me that should it come to it she won't be welcome in what will be our home, but I still feel incredibly uneasy about it. Giving up his daughter is categorically something I do not want responsibility for. She has been told in no uncertain terms that her behaviour will not be tolerated and since Christmas when they started talking again things have definately improved. There is still an atmosphere and there probably always will be. I can't force her to like me can I? At best I can hope for her to be civil, and for the last few months, on the odd occassion our paths have crossed so far so good.

We have talked about all my fears and he has done his absolute best to put my mind at rest. I don't want him to end up resenting our relationship down the line should things with daughter not work out.

Cottage_Economy

I wouldn't be moving in until his divorce was final, that's the first thing. Seven years is long enough to get that sorted, unless he is also pandering to his ex-wife and not doing it for some reason.

Second, don't get stuck with someone who hoards/ is chronically messy and doesn't clean up after themselves. It's your time that will be taken up cleaning the tsunami of debris they leave behind every day with a second thought. It will amount to hours and hours every week. I speak from experience and a place of resentment. He started off well and when we married and I bought a place with him he stopped.

Third, his daughter is a mare and will continue to be a mare while her father panders to her. At 25 she needs to grow up, and she may do in time, but whether or not you can deal with what she continues to dish out until then is another matter. Only you can decide if it is worth it.

Finally, I gave up a rented house I loved to move in with my husband. It was south facing, immaculately decorated, had a lovely garden and was private. I have never had that sense of peace and security since. I haven't even been able to carve a small amount of space out for myself in our current home that even comes close to the pleasure I had living where I was before.

Hang on to your little cottage as long as you can if it brings you peace and pleasure.

victory

missingmum wrote: »

I haven't because I have no concerns about the rest of the relationship. We get on fantastically. We very rarely have cross words. We have very many common interests. He treats me incredibly well. We spend all our free time together and have done for the past 18 months. I cannot honestly imagine my life without him now and he tells me the same.

I have for the past 6 months, been more or less living at his place, its more a case of moving my stuff into his place now and giving up my house. I feel I have tested "us" well enough to know that we can live together and be very happy doing so if it wasnt for the daughter.

He assures me that should it come to it she won't be welcome in what will be our home, but I still feel incredibly uneasy about it. Giving up his daughter is categorically something I do not want responsibility for. She has been told in no uncertain terms that her behaviour will not be tolerated and since Christmas when they started talking again things have definately improved. There is still an atmosphere and there probably always will be. I can't force her to like me can I? At best I can hope for her to be civil, and for the last few months, on the odd occassion our paths have crossed so far so good.

We have talked about all my fears and he has done his absolute best to put my mind at rest. I don't want him to end up resenting our relationship down the line should things with daughter not work out.

No you can't force her to like you but you can hope or at least expect some civility and your partner to listen, hear what you are saying, understand it and work together towards a more peaceful relationship.

By your own admission he has done his absolute best to put your mind at ease, what else do you feel he could do?

missingmum

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I wouldn't be moving in until his divorce was final, that's the first thing. Seven years is long enough to get that sorted, unless he is also pandering to his ex-wife and not doing it for some reason.

I won't be going anywhere until he at least gets the ball rolling. I shall certainly be bringing this up again with him in the next couple of days.

Second, don't get stuck with someone who hoards/ is chronically messy and doesn't clean up after themselves. It's your time that will be taken up cleaning the tsunami of debris they leave behind every day with a second thought. It will amount to hours and hours every week. I speak from experience and a place of resentment.

He has lived on his own for the past 7 years and before that his wife was never really a home maker. He tells me he desperately wants a home but his house hasn't felt like home since his wife moved in. He is always telling me how lovely my place is and he wants his home to be like that and he has started to make the changes. 1/2 of the house has now been decluttered and cleaned. I went over yesterday to find him going through a filing cabinet full of paperwork that had paperwork in going back several years, it is now sorted. He does all the washing up and all his own laundy. The majority of housework may well fall to me, but I will never ever to empty a bin again, mow the lawn, chop a log, light a fire and numerous other tasks that he feels a man should do (Yes he is quite old fashioned in that respect) He does his fair share of the cooking.

Third, his daughter is a mare and will continue to be a mare while her father panders to her. At 25 she needs to grow up, and she may do in time, but whether or not you can deal with what she continues to dish out until then is another matter. Only you can decide if it is worth it.

I wish I knew the answer. He has pandered to her in the past, I know that but I do beleieve that has changed dramatically.

Finally, I gave up a rented house I loved to move in with my husband. It was south facing, immaculately decorated, had a lovely garden and was private. I have never had that sense of peace and security since. I haven't even been able to carve a small amount of space out for myself in our current home that even comes close to the pleasure I had living there.

Hang on to your little cottage as long as you can if it brings you peace and pleasure.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Cottage_Economy

missingmum wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

For what it is worth, my husband was single in his own home for nine years before I met him. In the first two years my husband used to:

Cut the grass
Do DIY
Make an effort to tidy up and keep his debris to certain rooms
Wash and dry up
Cook 2-3 times a week
Help me on the allotment/veg beds

Out of those, he now does none of them. He stopped after we married and it is a weekly battle to get him to do anything. His mum did everything for him and, while he was good about doing this stuff when we were dating, as soon as the ring was on my finger he stopped.

He knew he had me.

I have to take some of the blame though for doing what needs to be done when he doesn't step up and do it. But I can't stand stinking rubbish for weeks, dirty dishes stacked for a week and skid marks in the toilet.

slightlyconfused1

I think the fact that he has not yet divorced his wife should be ringing alarm bells. It would appear that he has not bothered to do anything to meet you halfway. You are supposed to give up your home to move in to his messy house while he gives up nothing.

What is wrong with giving up both houses and moving into a new house that will be a new home to both of you. A joint fresh start?

Cottage_Economy

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

I think the fact that he has not yet divorced his wife should be ringing alarm bells. It would appear that he has not bothered to do anything to meet you halfway. You are supposed to give up your home to move in to his messy house while he gives up nothing.

What is wrong with giving up both houses and moving into a new house that will be a new home to both of you. A joint fresh start?

Like that idea. That way there are no lingering memories and they both start off on an equal footing.

duchy

Well you've already told him you're not moving in with him til he's divorced -so why is his casualness to paperwork more important than removing that obstacle ?

The daughter sounds pathetic btw I feel rather sorry for her "lovely boyfriend"

missingmum

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

For what it is worth, my husband was single in his own home for nine years before I met him. In the first two years my husband used to:

Cut the grass
Do DIY
Make an effort to tidy up and keep his debris to certain rooms
Wash and dry up
Cook 2-3 times a week
Help me on the allotment/veg beds

Out of those, he now does none of them. He stopped after we married and it is a weekly battle to get him to do anything. His mum did everything for him and, while he was good about doing this stuff when we were dating, as soon as the ring was on my finger he stopped.

He knew he had me.

I have to take some of the blame though for doing what needs to be done when he doesn't step up and do it. But I can't stand stinking rubbish for weeks, dirty dishes stacked for a week and skid marks in the toilet.

I'm sorry its worked out like that for you.

He is fiercly independant and it has been a battle in the past to get him to let me do things around the house. He was bought up mainly by his mother who was a single mum for many years, she worked several jobs to keep the family afloat so bf and his siblings had to learn to look after themselves. He has very strong opinion that men have their jobs and if they are a real man they will look after the women in their lives. Part of the reason why daugther is as she is I expect.

missingmum

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

I think the fact that he has not yet divorced his wife should be ringing alarm bells. It would appear that he has not bothered to do anything to meet you halfway. You are supposed to give up your home to move in to his messy house while he gives up nothing.

What is wrong with giving up both houses and moving into a new house that will be a new home to both of you. A joint fresh start?

For several years he slept on the sofa and maintained a charade of a happy families purely for the daughter. Once she reached her late teens his wife moved out. I honestly believe he has not divorced his wife yet for the same reason, for fear of upsetting daughter even more than she already is. Misguided perhaps. But I also cant help having some respect for a man who would put his own happiness last to try and maintain a relationship with his daughter. He has spoken of the guilt he felt when the marriage finally broke down, purely for his daughter and breaking up her family. For example we discussed moving in together before I took on the cottage 15 months ago and we decided to leave things until the daughter had qualified in the job she was currently studying for, rather than do it sooner and risk her blowing her exams. She has now qualified and true to his word we are now moving towards that goal.

Him giving up his house really is a no goer. Its a huge house with a fair bit of land, all at a pittance of a rent as he is friends with the Landlord. He works from home and to find somewhere that would be suitable would be a huge financial stretch for both of us. It was originally the family home before his mother remarried and moved out and he took the house on.