Living together - doubts

egoode

missingmum wrote: »

He has lived on his own for the past 7 years and before that his wife was never really a home maker. He tells me he desperately wants a home but his house hasn't felt like home since his wife moved in. He is always telling me how lovely my place is and he wants his home to be like that and he has started to make the changes. 1/2 of the house has now been decluttered and cleaned. I went over yesterday to find him going through a filing cabinet full of paperwork that had paperwork in going back several years, it is now sorted. He does all the washing up and all his own laundy. The majority of housework may well fall to me, but I will never ever to empty a bin again, mow the lawn, chop a log, light a fire and numerous other tasks that he feels a man should do (Yes he is quite old fashioned in that respect) He does his fair share of the cooking.

I'm not 100% sure I read this right but if he's in the house he lived in with his wife do you really want move in to that place? Rather than moving into his home have you considered getting a new place together then you can buy furniture together and create a homely place together rather than you just trying to fit your life into the place he already has which is apparently quite cluttered.

missingmum

egoode wrote: »

I'm not 100% sure I read this right but if he's in the house he lived in with his wife do you really want move in to that place? Rather than moving into his home have you considered getting a new place together then you can buy furniture together and create a homely place together rather than you just trying to fit your life into the place he already has which is apparently quite cluttered.

In an ideal world yes, I would love to get our own place together. But its just not practical.

egoode

missingmum wrote: »

In an ideal world yes, I would love to get our own place together. But its just not practical.

Sorry I started writing my post much earlier and had missed the other updates about why it's not easy for him to move.

slightlyconfused1

Sorry but I don't understand how not getting divorced puts his daughter first, it puts you last. I would understand if she was a little girl or a teenager but she is a grown woman with her own life.

Please be aware that legal implications arise from him still being married. A friend of mine was saddled with thousands of pounds of debt that her husband ran up when they were apart. Just because they don't live together doesn't mean they are legally separate.

missingmum

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

Sorry but I don't understand how not getting divorced puts his daughter first, it puts you last. I would understand if she was a little girl or a teenager but she is a grown woman with her own life.

Please be aware that legal implications arise from him still being married. A friend of mine was saddled with thousands of pounds of debt that her husband ran up when they were apart. Just because they don't live together doesn't mean they are legally separate.

Yes I suppose it does look like that. He has said that he will get it done before I move in, but as yet hasn't done anything about it.

They do already have a clean brake order and he has a will.

Slinky

Sounds to me as though the daughter is secretly harbouring the idea of her parents getting back together and while you're on the scene that obviously isn't going to happen. Your BF is enabling that by not divorcing because it would upset the daughter.

Cottage_Economy

missingmum wrote: »

I'm sorry its worked out like that for you

It's ok...I've mostly made some peace with it, although on occasions it exasperates me. Mind you I've always been too impatient, so maybe this is the universe's way of handing me a permanent lesson in learning how to be patient

By the way, that strong sense of traditional roles means he could have a very fixed idea of a role he wants you to step into that may differ from yours. While having someone who wants to look after you is lovely, it often does also come with constraints on how they end up wanting you to behave in the relationship.

My concern with what I'm reading about the state of his place, is that he hasn't actually been looking after himself very well despite what you say about him being independent. He has to cook and wash his clothes otherwise he'd starve and smell funky; hubby did both of these things ok when I met him. Then you come on the scene, and he won't let you do anything - I wonder if that is more down to embarrassment at his slovenliness rather than him being protective of his housekeeping abilities.

Once the house is clear and you move in, I wonder how he envisages your roles will evolve based on his traditional perceptions?

If you haven't already done it, a conversation about how he expects the two of you to share housekeeping would be useful, but unfortunately I think it is something that you won't understand the full extent of until you live there a while and let him get comfortable.

If you have a full time job and you end up being the one who does the majority of the housekeeping, it will be very tiring and frustrating for you trying to keep a grip on a someone with hoarding/messy inclinations.

Seanymph

Given that you asked for opinions - and every single opinion said it was a long term time bomb and not such a good idea - why are you dismissing the responses so easily?


He is not 'putting his daughter first' - and if he is, it's putting you nowhere - over the non divorce. I wouldn't admire a man who didn't consider my feelings no matter who he was considering, not if I was going to hitch my waggon to his particular charabang.


This guy is lazy, his excuse about having 'learnt' to avoid conflict by keeping secrets and having to unlearn it is bunkum, it did it because it worked, and he continues to do it because it works.


If you live with him, and he goes into hospital, you won't get a phone call, or told how he is, or consulted by the doctor. His ex wife and daughter will be front and centre though. Because that's how it works.


Until he divorces his wife he has unfinished business there. And I wouldn't want to be with a man who was still dragging all that baggage behind him - and I certainly wouldn't give up a home I loved and was comfortable in.

bagpussbear

I'm one for keeping life as simple as possible, and in your shoes I would call time on this relationship.

You seem to fighting obstacles all the way - ex girlfriend being his best friend (er no .... you should be his best friend), the closeness of them, the fact he doesn't tell you things, the problem of the daughter, the fact you'd hate to live with her, the house thing, the wife he isn't yet divorced from.

Etc etc etc. Just too many issues going on here, how is that a recipe for happiness.

The fact you have posted on here means your gut instinct is telling you to be cautious about moving in.

I'd stay where you are, in your lovely cottage.

greenval

What happens when the daughter gets engaged/married/has children, especially the has children. If he doesn't do s daughter wishes the grandchildren may be used as a weapon. THis has happened to someone I know in similar circumstances.