Living together - doubts

Anatidaephobia

Personally, if it was me, I wouldn't move in with him until:

1. He has divorced his wife.
2. He has completely sorted out/cleaned/redecorated (and/or whatever else is required) to his house.
3. The situation has been resolved with his daughter.

I would be staying in the cottage in the meantime with no intentions of moving in with him until all three of the above had been fulfilled.

duchy

missingmum wrote: »

I'm sorry its worked out like that for you.

He is fiercly independant and it has been a battle in the past to get him to let me do things around the house. He was bought up mainly by his mother who was a single mum for many years, she worked several jobs to keep the family afloat so bf and his siblings had to learn to look after themselves. He has very strong opinion that men have their jobs and if they are a real man they will look after the women in their lives. Part of the reason why daugther is as she is I expect.

I think he likes the idea of looking after his women -my boyfriend is the same - and nice as it sounds in principle -when someone has such gender defined ideas -fixing roles based on gender rather than who is better at a particular task will grate. (It seems clear he's not good at housework -that'll become your job....fine if that is what you want oh and paperwork too !!).

I do think until he is divorced he is giving daughter who obviously has maturity issues at best (her behaviour for a 25 year old woman is simply odd and more like a 12 year old) hope for a reconciliation. No wonder she's acting up.
The fact he's allowing her to manipulate him speaks volumes. If the marriage is over -he needs to divorce and let everyone move on. Anyone can start divorce proceedings. As he has already promised to sort it out and has done nothing why wouldn't he start proceedings and then the first time his little princess has a tantrum stop them to placate her. As soon as you move in he has no real incentive to do it -so don't move in before -really !

You already practically live there - so waiting til the divorce is final rather than some vague future plan isn't unreasonable. It's not like he's made any effort to get that particular ball rolling -talk is cheap. Real men (as he sees himself) don't just talk they do !! Part of "looking after his woman" is getting that divorce rather than allowing his child to dictate his marital status.

missingmum

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I feel my doubts arent unreasonable and you have all confirmed exactly what I thought. I shall be sticking to my guns on this one. I have already spoken to him at length in the past regarding my doubts. Ball is in his court I guess.

paddy's_mum

What you have, in actual fact, is a most wonderful and rewarding friendship.

What's wrong, or indeed unfriendly, in keeping it just like that until and unless he comes to believe that these real and worrying obstacles need to be discarded so that YOU are his absolute priority? (I can tell you from experience that coming a long way down someone's list is damaging to the soul and an eventual death-knell to the relationship.)

I'd also warn you very strongly that a will and a clean break settlement have zero-nothing-zilch to do with his estranged (not ex, as you believe!) wife's legal status and it's all too easy for this situation to blow up in your face if he unexpectedly popped his clogs. I suggest that you do a bit of research before accepting that this version of things is correct and/or will stand up in law.

It seems to me that he is keeping his wishes, wants and needs at the forefront of his mind while pretty much ignoring yours. In your shoes, I'd be waiting until the whole situation was clarified and we were lawfully married (and your rights protected by so doing) before I'd be willing to give up so much that is of value (such as my independence and security) as well as becoming a target for a vindictive little madam whose father needs to grow a backbone and put a stop to her spiteful, infantile and, above all, selfish tantrums.

You know, it's not hard to do or change something when you do it because you love and value someone beyond measure. Good luck.

Sensemaya

My short and sweet advice: Don't do it!

marisco_2

missingmum wrote: »

So basically, I’m terrified of giving up my independence and that I’m making a huge mistake and I’m terrified a 24 year old woman is going to make my life hellish. Help!

For you to have this level of misgivings about taking the next step in your relationship, suggests to me that you are not truly happy or compatible with this guy. If you were then you wouldn't feel this way. As for the grown up daughter that is acting like a spoilt little girl, she clearly has huge long standing unresolved issues. To be honest I get the impression she needs professional help. She is way beyond being reasoned with by her dad or yourself. By the sounds of it you are quite right to think that she could make your life a living hell. Seriously who needs that! My advice is whatever you decide to do, don't give up renting the home that you love and feel so content in.

tayforth

I agree with those who say don't do it. For all the reasons outlined above.

Sensemaya

marisco wrote: »

For you to have this level of misgivings about taking the next step in your relationship, suggests to me that you are not truly happy or compatible with this guy. If you were then you wouldn't feel this way. As for the grown up daughter that is acting like a spoilt little girl, she clearly has huge long standing unresolved issues. To be honest I get the impression she needs professional help. She is way beyond being reasoned with by her dad or yourself. By the sounds of it you are quite right to think that she could make your life a living hell. Seriously who needs that! My advice is whatever you decide to do, don't give up renting the home that you love and feel so content in.

Absolutely. As I'm getting older :eek: I find there is nothing better than to come back to my own house, do what I want when I want without anyone nagging...except for my youngest, but that is different to having a partner.

Having been in a similar situation myself the' living hell' will never go away. It is not worth putting yourself through it.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Op I see no mention at all of your own son. He partially lives with his father - but he is not fully grown and independent - how would he feel and could you guarantee him a home where he would be happy if you moved in with the bf? Another reason to delay I think. If the bf is really keen he needs to take the steps others have suggested - not just talk about doing them I think.

missingmum

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

Op I see no mention at all of your own son. He partially lives with his father - but he is not fully grown and independent - how would he feel and could you guarantee him a home where he would be happy if you moved in with the bf? Another reason to delay I think. If the bf is really keen he needs to take the steps others have suggested - not just talk about doing them I think.

My son lives more or less full time with his dad, however, he would also have his own room at bf. We have discussed it at length and he is more than happy to make the move. He gets on well with bf and they spend time together doing boy stuff when he is back with me.