Living together - doubts

missingmum

First of all, I shall apologise now for what I expect will turn into a very long post. I don’t post much but I have seen some of the wonderful advice that has been given to other posters and I need some clarity and some good old fashioned advice.

Background. I am 44 this year .Split with ex-husband 3 years ago. I have a son nearly 18 now by a previous relationship. Got together with someone I had met a year or so before. Son hated ex-husband but really gets on with new fella. Son now more or less lives with his dad and has done for the past 6 months, as I live 20 miles away from his college and work. He comes home once a week as his work and college schedule allow.

Boyfriend’s background. 48 this year. Separated for approx 7 years. Adult daughter 24 now, splitting her time between her mums, boyfriends and her dads. Daughter dislikes me.

Things were great at the start. Got on fantastically, many similar interests. Couple of issues, boyfriends daughter doesn't like me, can’t give a reason for it. Boyfriend engineered things to keep us apart to keep the peace. His ex-girlfriend and now his “best friend”, my issue, I was and still am to a certain extent, uncomfortable with the very close relationship. A couple of things came up over the first 12 months that proved he was not being totally honest with me, not lying as such, but not telling me things.

He started blowing very hot and cold, my self esteem bottomed out. Very horrible time. We stopped seeing each other for a while, he was very much I don’t want a relationship, I never have and I was well, what the hell we have been doing for the last 12 months?

Anyway I went away with work for a long weekend and when I returned home he was sat on my door step waiting for me. He had realised what an idiot he had been apparently and wanted me, in a proper relationship forever! That was in Sept 2012.

Things have been fantastic since, apart from the daughter and the ex girlfriend. Less so the ex girlfriend now, as finally, we met a couple of weeks ago and I feel a lot more comfortable about it now. My main issue has always been his not telling me stuff, I know he has seen her a couple of times and rather than tell me he has kept it to himself, if I ask outright has he seen her lately he will tell me. I have explained that his hiding it makes me uncomfortable and he has promised to rectify, so far so good. It’s the daughter that is the major problem. She “moved” out in September after a major row with her dad about her disrespectful and downright rude attitude towards me and she took exception to being told that the next stage in mine and her dads relationship would be me moving in. When I say moved, she just hasn’t stayed at her dads since, her stuff is still there. They didn’t speak at all until Christmas. Now they speak and she calls in occasionally to see him, usually when she knows I won’t be there.

Anyway, to get to the route of my problem. Boyfriend has asked me to move in with him. I should be happy but I have a few reservations and I genuinely feel panicked if I’m doing the right thing.

We both live in rented accommodation. My place is a lovely little cottage, I have been there a little over a year, I do love the place and I’m terrified that if I give it up and things don’t work out I’ll never find somewhere I love so much again and will end up somewhere I don’t want to be. This sounds ridiculous, but seriously, anyone that rents will know exactly what I mean. I spent 16 years living in houses I disliked, only for my ex-husband and I to finally move 12 months before we split up, I then had to downsize and spent another 15 months looking for this place. It would be far too small for new fella and I.

His house has been his home for the past 25 years, and it would be madness for him to give it up. He has plenty of space to run his business from home and the rent is ridiculously cheap as he is friends with the Landlord. The plan is for me to move in there. This in itself presents a load of problems. I’m not keen on its location, I prefer where my house is. Its needs A LOT of work. It needs decorating throughout, but we can’t even begin to think of that until he has sorted his stuff out. He has a bit of a hoarder thing going on and housework really isn’t on his list of things to do let alone a priority! He completely understands that I cannot live like that and has been slowly sorting and throwing things out, we have also made a start on the cleaning but it’s going to be a long hard slog!

The daughter thing really upsets me. [IMG]file:///C:\Users\MAINUS~1\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif[/IMG] I have never done anything for her to feel the way she does. He has received calls from her when we have been together, screaming that she has just seen us, and she’s upset because she misses her daddy and they used to do those things together (and they did years ago when she was younger before she discovered boys and The Young Farmers). His mother died last year after a short illness, it was a difficult time for everyone. His mother pleaded with daughter to accept me and that I made her dad happy. She refused point blank to even acknowledge me still, much to her grandmothers despair. His mother made me promise that I would never let daughter come in the way of our relationship as she had never seen her son so happy and that daughter was out of order and needed to grow up.

She refused to speak or even acknowledge my presence, hence the big row with her dad. Since they have started talking again she has been better, she will say hello, and if I try and initiate a conversation I do get the occasional answer. He spoke to daughter this week and told her that I will be moving in in the next couple of months. From what I gather her stance has changed slightly, she has gone from well if she does then you will never see me again, to this doesn’t feel like me home anymore and I will never stay her again. He has told her it always be her home and she will always be welcome. This got me thinking, and I know it sounds absolutely awful, but I don’t want to live with her, ever. I really couldn’t stand the constant atmosphere, my ex husband was a sulk and I spent years treading on egg shells, I vowed then, never ever again. Unless she suddenly has a change of heart (unlikely after 3 years) I just cannot see how it could possibly ever work. I could go on and on about the sort of things she has said and done but I think you get the picture. At all times, I have been polite, courteous and respectful, I have never ever been rude to her and have done my utmost to try and make things at least civil.

I feel terrible about it, and spent many months blaming myself and wondering how on earth I could get her on side. I really feel for my boyfriend, it must be like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. But she isn’t a child, she’s 25 this year, has a good job, is saving for her own house and has a huge circle of friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I believe now, that when things first went wrong about 12 months is was partly down to his feelings of guilt over how she was reacting to the relationship, she was being particularly vindictive and nasty at this time. He is embarrassed by her behaviour and has tried and tried to talk to her about it but she refuses and just starts crying that she misses her daddy and that he doesn't care about her anymore. So untrue, he loves the bones of her and has always always been there for and always will be, as it should be.

I also told boyfriend months ago when he asked me to move in, I wouldn’t unless he started his divorce proceedings, needless to say it hasn’t happened as yet! There are only two certain things in his life, if the sun is shining he will be outside working and if it’s raining he will be outside working! He really isn’t the paperwork, housework, stay in the house sort of person! I’m not making excuses, actually I probably am, what I am trying to say, he is actually incredibly busy and doesn’t find paperwork and the likes an easy task.

So basically, I’m terrified of giving up my independence and that I’m making a huge mistake and I’m terrified a 24 year old woman is going to make my life hellish. Help!

Seanymph

You don't need anyone to tell you, you just need to read your own post.

This guy is not such a catch that you want to live with him.

Personally I think your description, if accurate, would mean that I wouldn't want to live with him either.

I would not want to be with someone whose learnt behaviour as an adult was to withold information rather than deal with someone else's disappointment. Because who knows what else he would withold.

The daughter is a red flag, not because she is a spoilt mare, but because he continues to entertain her.

You seem to be making it all very very easy for him.

You also sound awesome - and really don't need to settle.

To be with someone and want to be there, and want to live with them - that's awesome.

You deserve that.

tea_lover

There are an awful lot of reasons not to move in together (or continue the relationship at all tbh). Can you honestly say that the pro list is as convincing?

Tashatutuw

I agree with tea lover and seanymph but I wonder whether it would be worth giving it a 'trial period'? Move in FULLY (as in no going back to your house at all even for a toothbrush) for one month and see how things go? Give it a period of time as if it were real, where you have 'nowhere else to run to' and see how things roll out?

If at the end of the month things have gone well, consider how you feel again. Extend the trial for another month if they have gone well but you're not convinced and if they have gone wonderfully, the daughter has gotten over herself and the cleaning fairies paid a couple of visits then make moves to make it permanent. If they have gone terribly, you have your answer..

Good luck OP, keep us posted?

Prothet_of_Doom

He's NOT the one for you. Keep it casual.

BitterAndTwisted

What would I do?

Move in with him but continue renting the house you live in. That way, there is an easy escape-route if things go badly wrong.

I have to say entertaining the sort of tantrums and demands you have described from a 24 year-old woman is putting him in a very bad light. I suspect if it ever came to a choice between the two of you, you are not going to be the "winner".

missingmum

Seanymph wrote: »

I would not want to be with someone whose learnt behaviour as an adult was to withold information rather than deal with someone else's disappointment. Because who knows what else he would withold.

The daughter is a red flag, not because she is a spoilt mare, but because he continues to entertain her.

..

That is spot on. His learnt behaviour is to withold information rather than deal with it due to his marriage. He is aware and is dealing with it, I guess it takes time to unlearn a behaviour so ingrained. If at it all possible? Hence why the ex and I finally got to meet a couple of weeks ago. Is it all possible?

The daughter has been told in no uncertain that she has to deal with it or thats it. Any more bad behaviour on her part towards me will not be tolerated. I can't ask for anymore than that can I?

CH27

In your long post you haven't said one positive thing about continuing your relationship with him never mind moving in with him.

PasturesNew

Don't do it ..... then, when you think you're ready in the future ... don't do it.

You "hardly know him" really - and there's all that other stuff too ..... see how you feel in the year 2020.

System

I wouldn't even entertain the idea.:(

harrys_dad

Interesting that you list all the reasons for not moving in with him, and it is almost impossible to find a single positive one in there. Do you love him? Is it impossible to imagine a life without him? I suspect the answers are no, and no.

He is clearly a man who is not prepared to look forward without the encumbrances of the past. He ignores getting divorced, sees his ex without telling you, and allows his daughter to treat you like dirt or worse.

Move, but not in with him, move on from him.