feel so sad and lonely in my marriage

Prothet_of_Doom

tea_lover wrote: »

I call it the 'moo of indifference'... drives me mad :rotfl:.

I occassionally stop the moo, when I'm actually listening, for something that I can actually say something to. My wife thinks I've zoned out, but I just haven't responded, because I have nothing useful to add.

The thing that gets me angry, is when I'm given an opinion that's presented as fact, and when I try to explain, I'm shot down in flames.

For instance, we are having a party, with a big gazebo in a little garden, and this will have to be put up the day before, because there is no time on the day. Because the garden is small it will be tied to the concrete fence posts on one side and the garage on the other side, so It's going nowhere. After the party it will have to stay up overnight, because I'm not taking it down at 2 am.
Despite this I've been told "YOU will have to put it up in the morning, becuase it says on the instructions" and no amount of me saying "I'm putting ropes, there, there, there, there, there, and there," has any efffect.

newthrift

tattycath wrote: »

Mr tc zones out when I'm talking to him. If he's engrossed in something on tv I've no chance. Sometimes he's just on his own little planet.
I just let him get on with it and sometimes it can be the source of much amusement. I can say all sorts and he won't hear me as he is zoned out. I've even tested this and it isn't even selected hearing, he just doesn't listen sometimes.
But I love him all the same and if it was all roses and perfect it wouldn't be right either as we would be waiting for something to go wrong.
I'm afraid sometimes it just goes with the territory.

This sounds rather similar to me and my OH. He works alone all day and does long hours, when he comes through the door I start babling (I would like to point out I could talk for england about literally anything and even make small things sound huge without meaning to, gra76 bit like your wife by the sounds of it ha ha), and he openly says 'I just need 20minutes to have my tea and settle and then you can chat as much as I want' :rotfl:

I know when there is something important he listens!! Try bringing it up in a calm manor and try to pick the right time and explain how it makes you feel and see if there is a reason for how his behaviour is!

tattycath

newthrift wrote: »

This sounds rather similar to me and my OH. He works alone all day and does long hours, when he comes through the door I start babling (I would like to point out I could talk for england about literally anything and even make small things sound huge without meaning to, gra76 bit like your wife by the sounds of it ha ha), and he openly says 'I just need 20minutes to have my tea and settle and then you can chat as much as I want' :rotfl:

I know when there is something important he listens!! Try bringing it up in a calm manor and try to pick the right time and explain how it makes you feel and see if there is a reason for how his behaviour is!

:rotfl: are we related? :rotfl: I can talk for England-Ireland, Scotland and Wales as well!

maman

It could be that it's because you're his wife that he only behaves like this with you. I'll often fall asleep on the sofa (that's how exciting my DH is:D) but I'd never dream of doing that with family and friends around. So maybe he feels he doesn't need to make an effort in his own home.


I'd say that not going out to events with him is the wrong thing to do as you're cutting out opportunities for companionship and conversation.


It's likely that you're feeling unloved because of your daughter being away and looking for more emotional support from him than previously.


I'd advise kiss and make up but do tell him how sad you're feeling and plan something together.

SailorSam

It's times likes this that i'm glad to be happily single.

prowla

My ex used to talk at me, and if I tried to interject she would sometimes even say "I'm talking!", and if I succeeded in starting a sentence she would finish it for me and then go back to what she was telling me (which I'd probably heard already because she'd been telling to one or two other people on the phone). I eventually decided that there was no point in participating in the conversation.

Sometimes she would go out and I'd be watching something on telly, and she'd wander in with about 10 minutes of it left and start talking over the top of it.

If I'd play some music she'd tell me to turn it off, or even just come in and turn it down.

I think that people need to appreciate each other's space, and if they don't then they shouldn't be surprised if one appears to disconnect.

poet123

I do think it is a male trait and one that they manage to keep under control for the sake of politeness with others but one they slip into with very close family. My husband does it, but when I make it plain that it is happening he ups his game!

We often joke that he has "satellite delay" because he will answer 5 mins after you have spoken! I do know how irritating it can be, but if he has been doing it a lot, I give him a taste of his own medicine and the point is made....try not to take it personally, almost every man I know does the same thing to a greater or lesser degree.

hazyjo

As above, sounds like a bit of a male trait. I do talk drivel 'at' my BF sometimes. And my mum sometimes talks drivel at me down the phone and (don't tell her but...) I'm sometimes playing Candy Crush at the same time. I don't really care how someone else's daughter did at 'comps' (dance, singing, blah blah) who I've never even met and am unlikely to, or how so-and-so was peed off cos their daughter got a 2nd and thought they did better than my niece who got a firstand the mother went to moan to the... (see? You're switching off too).

One question - has someone else been listening or making you feel more 'interesting' lately? Not accusing you of having an affair or anything, but these feelings often surface when it appears the grass is greener elsewhere (any friends splitting up with partners? Maybe met new ones and they're off here there and everywhere? Someone you maybe fancy a bit?).

As suggested - go out with your OH. Go for a drink or something and just chat and try to enjoy yourselves - together.

My BF often totally ignores me (especially if he's watching telly). I often pause it before I start talking.

Jx

Cottage_Economy

My husband tunes me out. He doesn't really care about decorating, painting furniture, knitting machines or my little paddies about the things that irritate me. In turn I tune him out. I know nothing of axles, pistons, pick up points or distributor caps, but when he gets going he can talk for a long, long time.

However, while we tune each other out we do tend to look at each other and watch each other's lips move, and we make the odd noise of encouragement. Sometimes he doesn't but that's usually because he's concentrating on something.

I don't know how much you talk, or for how long, but it may be that he just does not have the capacity to listen if you do chat consistently and at length, and I'm afraid shouting and screaming at him will get you no where.

My advice. Find others to talk to, in real life and online and don't talk much to him at all unless to tell him about an appointment, and then keep it brief and factual.

My husband once told me that he's more worried when I'm not talking/chatting than am talking. If I don't talk, he wants to know why. You might find once you give him a lot of space he'll move to fill it, but be prepared for it to take weeks.

Also you need to be spreading your wings socially. Hubby is always interested in what I've been up to if I've been out with other people.

It's unfair for you to want your husband to fill the gap your daughter has left. If you've changed the goalposts about the frequency and content of your conversation with him since your daughter left, he may not have realised.

Mr_Toad

Is it talking or is it low intensity background whinging?

It would be interesting to know whether what you were talking about was relevant or just filling a silence?

I'm a quiet person, a thinker, rather than a talker and while I appreciate that some people abhor a silence and like to fill it with noise, I'm not one of them.

My current girlfriend can start conversations at odd times, it's almost as if she'll forget what it is if she doesn't get it out immediately.

I don't watch much TV and record what I do, when I do watch I like to concentrate, I don't just have it on as background noise. We were sat on Sunday watching something and she started talking so I paused the program that we were both watching. She asked me why do I always pause the TV, so I told her, I'm either watching TV or listening to her, Id rather not do both.

You could tell that she didn't know whether to be pleased I was paying attention or miffed that I'd paused the program, you just can't win.