feel so sad and lonely in my marriage

mqos

I've been reading this forum for a few months but never posted before. However, I am so fed up this morning I really need some advice. I am so muddled and tearful and I have no idea if I am being unrealistic or expecting too much from my husband.

He has always been insular but I am beginning to feel invisible. Almost always if I talk to him, he listens to the first bit of what I have to say, then just tunes out. Sometimes I get to the end of what I am saying and am just greeted with either total silence or an answer that proves he stopped listening one sentence in and assumed what else I was about to say. This makes me feel so bad, am I really that uninteresting or boring? I've asked him that question and he says no I'm not but he doesn't know why he does it, or even sometimes totally denies that he does do it.

He doesn't do it with other people, such as his mother or sister, so it is evidently not a trait that he can't help, I feel so unloved but I can't make him see how badly it is affecting my feelings towards him.

We had a huge row last night after he had spent the day outside playing in his garage (I have no problem with this, I was in my craft room sewing and I believe it to be healthy for a couple to have their own interests) when he came indoors I spoke to him about a couple of things (nothing major or contentious, just ordinary stuff) and he just blanked me. Final straw happened after dinner when he had a shower, got himself a beer and sat on the sofa without so much as even offering me a cup of coffee - even on an ordinary day he makes coffee after dinner, but on a Mothering Sunday when he knew I was a bit tearful as it is the first year after our daughter emmigrated so she was not around, and he can't be bothered with me at all?

anyway I just snapped, shouted awful things at him and said that from now on I was not participating in anything other than running the home. No days out, not going with him next Friday to an annual music event we usually attend, not sleeping in the same room ....nothing at all until he changes his ways andmskes me feel wanted . Heck, just making me believe he knows I exist would be a start.

I feel very alone, unloved and unlovable right now.

Prothet_of_Doom

You sound like my wife. I'm like a rabbit in the headlights. No idea what I've done wrong.
Playing in the garage ? Or attempting and failing to save money on fixing the car, having spent 3 hours trying to remove a rusty bolt, finding that the brake pads he bought were the wrong size, and the shop is now closed, broken his best screw driver, and his wife resents the fact that he's been on his back in the cold, muttering to himself.
To top it all he has to get up a 5 am for work, and if he's a bit grumpy there's a bloody spanish inquisition.

I'm not saying that's how it is, but I feel his pain. We don't mean to be grumpy and mean, and thoughtless, but sometimes we are.
What we need is someone to say "I can see you are feeling like !!!!, and I feel like !!!!, so here's a beer, and a hug"
What we get is "How do you think you make me feel on mothering sunday, when it's the first time without MY (I know you said OUR) duaghter, why are you such a horrible person, blah blah blah blah"

Shall I start my own post. My wife thinks I'm a complete and utter !!!!, despite the fact that I'm not.

trailingspouse

Not sure if I can say anything helpful, but didn't want to just read and run.

There's never an excuse for someone behaving like this. But there may be some reasons - is he stressed, depressed, more-than-normally busy at work, worried?

A technique I used to use when I was teaching, if I felt the class weren't giving their full and undivided attention - I would simply stop in mid-sentence. Something like this 'I bumped into so-and-so today and

It worked with the kids, so who knows, may be worth a try.

Or say something completely out of left field - 'I bumped into so-and-so today and they've just had a new baby penguin'.

Or (and this is the one most likely to lead to an argument, but sometimes an argument is what is needed...) - stop what you're saying, and say in a very matter of fact voice 'Oh, it's OK, I'll tell you when you're not so busy'. And then walk away and do something else. If he comes after you begging you to continue, then continue (after all, at this point he's paying attention, which is what you want).

However, not listening to what you're saying doesn't sound to be the only problem, so I'm not sure how much help this will be.

Gra76

Incoming queue of females defending the OP, incoming queue of males saying they don't see what the problem is... lol

I tune out of my wifes conversations regularly. I tune out of them because she picks the worst times in the world to start them 9 times out of 10. In the middle of football, when I've just literally walked in from work, these are usually the times I'm 'zoned in' elsewhere.

There's also the times I zone out when she's talking about the most mundane things in the world like it's a world changing event. She can have a 10 minute conversation about how the neighbour was putting out their washing this morning. Snoozefest time. I zone out pretty quickly and just grunt and make other man-related noises till she's done... lol

tattycath

Mr tc zones out when I'm talking to him. If he's engrossed in something on tv I've no chance. Sometimes he's just on his own little planet.
I just let him get on with it and sometimes it can be the source of much amusement. I can say all sorts and he won't hear me as he is zoned out. I've even tested this and it isn't even selected hearing, he just doesn't listen sometimes.
But I love him all the same and if it was all roses and perfect it wouldn't be right either as we would be waiting for something to go wrong.
I'm afraid sometimes it just goes with the territory.

bargainbetty

Have you told him this, OP? He might not even realise he is doing it. My ex used to do the beer and no coffee thing a lot, until I suggested that the next time he got up for a beer, he should make me a cuppa as well while he was there. He seemed surprised that I connected the two - making a coffee/having a beer, and it just didn't occur to him to do more than one thing in the kitchen at a time.

Talk to him. Try to keep things brief and factual, rather than going over-emotional, because that can cause people to go on the defensive and serves neither of you well.

Good luck

Georgiegirl256

Gra76 wrote: »

Incoming queue of females defending the OP, incoming queue of males saying they don't see what the problem is... lol

I tune out of my wifes conversations regularly. I tune out of them because she picks the worst times in the world to start them 9 times out of 10. In the middle of football, when I've just literally walked in from work, these are usually the times I'm 'zoned in' elsewhere.

There's also the times I zone out when she's talking about the most mundane things in the world like it's a world changing event. She can have a 10 minute conversation about how the neighbour was putting out their washing this morning. Snoozefest time. I zone out pretty quickly and just grunt and make other man-related noises till she's done... lol

That sounds like my husband....but also like me too, as I have a tendency to zone out, because my husband can't half talk sometimes, they say women can talk a lot, well so can he....I'm sure my brains wired up more like a mans because sometimes it just annoys the hell out of me! :rotfl: It reminds me of a comedian (I think it was John Bishop) who talks about when his wife is waffling on, and a little voice inside his head is like air traffic control to bring his brain back into listening what his wife is saying so he can respond!

OP, I really don't know what to advise, apart from to say that some people get easily distracted and switch off to what people are saying and sometimes it's not meant as a personal snub towards you. Maybe he's bored (I don't mean with you, just in general), and you both need a change of scenery, as things do get stagnant after a while. Very strange him just blanking you though. Hope things sort themselves out soon.

mqos

Thank you for the replies so far.

Prophet of Doom he was literally playing in the garage, not fixing the car, just polishing motorcycles and doing stuff he enjoys and as I said, I have no problem with this at all. He wasn't feeling low or down or depressed about anything. He has no employment problems and if asked says there is nothing wrong and even denies ignoring/not answering me, which sort of messes with my head and makes me question my own sanity when this happens over and over again for no reason that I can understand.

Gra76 If it was happening just when I am making lighthearted conversation it may not be such a big deal, but it happens all the time - no matter what I am talking about. Oh and I might add, that if he is speaking to me and I don't answer (or make a comment to show I have heard, if what he has said was not a direct question) he gets irritable very quickly. I know men and women aare different but come on- is this reasonable or fair?

trailingspouse thanks for your suggestion, I will try this - anything is worth a try

I think perhaps my OP didn't explain very clearly as it seems to come across as just a man/woman thing. But really- he does not behave like this with anyone other than me. It happens during important "conversations" (one sided as they are) as often as when I am chatting about trivia. But either way - is it really acceptable behaviour? This is a serious question - I'm so upset after the latest row I may not be seeing clearly right now, but even when I am calm and able to be more logical, I do not feel it is a fair to treat someone who you supposedly love and care for as though they are boring and invisible

[Deleted User]

Are you talking 'to' him (i.e. it's a two way conversation) or 'at' him? I tune out my wife's unidirectional diatribes all the time, or I'd go mad. i'm not saying his right to ignore you but he might just be sick of 'listening' all the time.

But what can be done to solve this, and bring you back together as people who love and enjoy one another's company? You both have individual hobbies.. do you have anything you both do together? Maybe you could find something

hgotsparkle

My OH constantly zones out when I'm talking about my day or telling him something I'm going to be doing, and then once I start doing the thing I told him I was doing - he gets in a hissy fit because I apparently didn't tell him, but he just can't admit that he wasn't listening. Thats what the majority of men do. I know when hes zoned out because everything I say gets a very flat toned "oh right" or "yehhhh".
Try not to take that personally, if he was out fixing the car, he may have been thinking about what else to do to it once he was back in the house.


As for not making you coffee, well sometimes I make myself a tea and forget to ask OH if he wants one, even though I always make the evening cuppa.

tea_lover

hgotsparkle wrote: »

I know when hes zoned out because everything I say gets a very flat toned "oh right" or "yehhhh".

I call it the 'moo of indifference'... drives me mad :rotfl:.