Regret moving!

balletshoes

I remember your previous threads weeze, as your son is around the same age as my daughter, and we've had the "are we moving hundreds of miles away for work" conversation too.

I'm quoting you here, from July 11, when you started a thread about the move and how upset your son was about it -

"It will be a better life for all of us.
The school he is going to is in the same grounds as the secondary school. The secondary school is so much better than the one he would have gone to here. Its a few hundred pupils smaller and offers much better in and out of school activities. They have their own mountain bike track and climbing wall. They do power kiting which is something my husband was into when we met, so there is a bonding activity. They offer farming lessons which my son liked the sound of.
We did look into renting at first but couldn't find anywhere to rent in the area we wanted. I also didn't really want to rent this house out as I've heard so many terrible storys about bad tennants.
My children are my first priority but they'll soon leave home then what would I be left with?
This estate isn't too bad, I've seen worse, but at the end of the day it's a council estate with lots of problems, crime, graffiti, kids hanging about, lots of unemployment, drink, drugs ect. I want my kids to have fresh air and excercise and experience more than x-boxes and hanging around on street corners getting into trouble.
I think I'm even more confused now!"

Has the better life happened? Its been 3 years nearly, and it hasn't, has it?
I'm not going to focus on you or your OH here, because as adults you make your own decisions about how involved you get in your new community.

Your son (and your daughter when you left Staffs) should be your priority. Your son is more unhappy now than he was 3 years ago, right? He hasn't settled in his new home or new school, he's not doing well.
What would he say if he had the choice of staying in rural Wales with you and your OH together, or going back to Staffs with possibly just you, and not your OH? Or maybe you and your son go back to Staffs and your OH comes home when he can, like he did before you all moved to Wales?

Since you started posting on MSE in early 2011, you've had issues with how your OH, your kids, and your siblings/mum treat you (lack of communication, you always doing the running-around etc). That doesn't appear to have changed since you moved, but I'm not sure you should have expected that to change anyway.

What has changed, are your opportunities (and your son's) where you live now.

Your son is 13 - if you're going to move again, best do it in the next 5 months, before he starts year 9 and GCSE coursework. He'll be expected to remain in some form of education or training until he's 18 years old, thats 5 more years, and thats a long time to be unhappy and unsettled.

FWIW - I would move, and I'd be starting to put the wheels in motion now.

Goldiegirl

If there's only one person in the family that's happy, I think it is a case of majority rules - move away from the area.

However, you can't move away from yourself. If you start afresh you don't suddenly become a new person, you're still you. So you'll need to address your other underlying issues as well, everything won't miraculously change once you move, which you've probably already realised.

weeze210

balletshoes wrote: »

I remember your previous threads weeze, as your son is around the same age as my daughter, and we've had the "are we moving hundreds of miles away for work" conversation too.

I'm quoting you here, from July 11, when you started a thread about the move and how upset your son was about it -

"It will be a better life for all of us.
The school he is going to is in the same grounds as the secondary school. The secondary school is so much better than the one he would have gone to here. Its a few hundred pupils smaller and offers much better in and out of school activities. They have their own mountain bike track and climbing wall. They do power kiting which is something my husband was into when we met, so there is a bonding activity. They offer farming lessons which my son liked the sound of.
We did look into renting at first but couldn't find anywhere to rent in the area we wanted. I also didn't really want to rent this house out as I've heard so many terrible storys about bad tennants.
My children are my first priority but they'll soon leave home then what would I be left with?
This estate isn't too bad, I've seen worse, but at the end of the day it's a council estate with lots of problems, crime, graffiti, kids hanging about, lots of unemployment, drink, drugs ect. I want my kids to have fresh air and excercise and experience more than x-boxes and hanging around on street corners getting into trouble.
I think I'm even more confused now!"

Has the better life happened? Its been 3 years nearly, and it hasn't, has it?
I'm not going to focus on you or your OH here, because as adults you make your own decisions about how involved you get in your new community.

Your son (and your daughter when you left Staffs) should be your priority. Your son is more unhappy now than he was 3 years ago, right? He hasn't settled in his new home or new school, he's not doing well.
What would he say if he had the choice of staying in rural Wales with you and your OH together, or going back to Staffs with possibly just you, and not your OH? Or maybe you and your son go back to Staffs and your OH comes home when he can, like he did before you all moved to Wales?

Since you started posting on MSE in early 2011, you've had issues with how your OH, your kids, and your siblings/mum treat you (lack of communication, you always doing the running-around etc). That doesn't appear to have changed since you moved, but I'm not sure you should have expected that to change anyway.

What has changed, are your opportunities (and your son's) where you live now.

Your son is 13 - if you're going to move again, best do it in the next 5 months, before he starts year 9 and GCSE coursework. He'll be expected to remain in some form of education or training until he's 18 years old, thats 5 more years, and thats a long time to be unhappy and unsettled.

FWIW - I would move, and I'd be starting to put the wheels in motion now.

Thankyou for that, no we aren't happy, me or my son, and nothing has changed. I didn't realise how much of the visits/ phone calls were initialised by me to family/ friends until I stopped and it took 3 months for my mom to phone me to check I was ok.
I will talk to OH when he gets back.
In the mean time I'm going to take a look on Rightmove to see what house prices are doing back home.
Thankyou everyone for your replies and for not judging. I can't carry on like this and need to do some thing drastic. x

Tiddlywinks

Goldiegirl wrote: »

However, you can't move away from yourself. If you start afresh you don't suddenly become a new person, you're still you. So you'll need to address your other underlying issues as well, everything won't miraculously change once you move, which you've probably already realised.

This is a really important point - you will still be you - it's time to understand that you are the only person that can make things right for you.

That will mean you have to take control and make decisions rather than just going with the flow.

weeze210

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

This is a really important point - you will still be you - it's time to understand that you are the only person that can make things right for you.

That will mean you have to take control and make decisions rather than just going with the flow.

I've always 'gone with the flow' and let everyone make the decisions. My 1st marriage I wasn't even asked it was just presumed!
I must stand up for myself. The only decision I ever made on my own was to get divorced from my 1st husband but it felt so good when I made the decision and saw a solicitor!
x

Tiddlywinks

weeze210 wrote: »

I've always 'gone with the flow' and let everyone make the decisions. My 1st marriage I wasn't even asked it was just presumed!
I must stand up for myself. The only decision I ever made on my own was to get divorced from my 1st husband but it felt so good when I made the decision and saw a solicitor!
x

So, what's stopping you? Serious question... Don't you trusy your own judgement?

Pthree

weeze210 wrote: »

. I didn't realise how much of the visits/ phone calls were initialised by me to family/ friends until I stopped and it took 3 months for my mom to phone me to check I was ok.

Will this change if you move though? I know you will be nearer, but you probably will still be the one initializing all contact.

I found this out when I moved a few hundred miles away. The people who used to ring me still do, the people that didn't, I still have to make the 1st move.

catkins

Did you and your OH discuss before you moved what you would do if one of you were unhappy but the other wasn't?


Me and OH moved abroad but we said if one of us were not happy there we would come back. We lived there for a few years but I wasn't happy and getting less and less so. OH really liked it there but we came back.


I would seriously think about moving. Rural life is not for everyone and I know more people that moved to the country and regretted it than I do who didn't regret it

weeze210

catkins wrote: »

Did you and your OH discuss before you moved what you would do if one of you were unhappy but the other wasn't?


Me and OH moved abroad but we said if one of us were not happy there we would come back. We lived there for a few years but I wasn't happy and getting less and less so. OH really liked it there but we came back.


I would seriously think about moving. Rural life is not for everyone and I know more people that moved to the country and regretted it than I do who didn't regret it

We did discuss what if one of us wasn't happy but he is now reluctant to move back.
I still want to move back but am now wondering if I will be any happier if we did. I will think some more about it.
Thankyou for all the replies as it helps a lot to see different points of view.

Prothet_of_Doom

I spent my teenage years doing alot of fell walking in Snowdonia, the lakes, and the yourkshire dales (including the Pennine Way).

When we married, we lived on the edge of Birmingham, not far from the bus into the big city, and not far from the countryside.

I saw a job that would allow us to live on the edge of the Yorkshire Dales, and we moved near to Settle with our baby. We had another child, and then after about 18 months realised that we hated it. Great in the summer, but the winter was painful, and simple things like car repairs could be painful, due to the distances involved just to get to a decent car spares shop.
The people were friendly or maybe just nosey. My wife was very depressed, and felt very isolated. Eventually we moved to be near her family. We were glad that we'd done it, but glad we moved again.