Nice People Thread Number 11 - A Treasury of Nice People

LydiaJ

lostinrates wrote: »

Adrenal fatigue is interesting. Its come up a couple of times in cross references for me in the past couple of weeks and it is very poo- poo'd but seems to be plausible minor state of cortisol issues not unlike Lydia describes.

Quite. I have no idea how much to belief the cortisol stuff.

The thing I find most convincing is my discussions with depressed friends. They describe depression in various kinds of "overwhelming" words, and describe being on antidepressants as no longer feeling very strongly up or down but just flat all the time. And I know that I already feel flat rather than overwhelmed.

lostinrates wrote: »

Any, specifically about Lydia, I hold she is doing her most important job well. While I'd like her to feel better and more Lydia like its primarily for her. Because her children couldn't be lovelier or more evidently loved.

I know I am guilty of looking for silver linings to a fault but, perhaps in another scenario where you'd felt less burnt out, Lydia, you'd not be the wonderful two Christmas tree family you are, with bright children's walls in children's rooms, and that in attempt to heal your beautiful beings you'd not have let them flourish so clearly and strongly into the very definite people they are. Hard work? Sure, but, they've had space to really define themselves, with love to help them feel secure in doing so, I think this will stand them in great stead later. Perfect? Very few situations are. But, out of the sows ear you got hands the purse you made of a life for you all looks passable for silk to me.

Once again I am (almost) rendered speechless (typeless??) by the lovely things you say. Thank you lir.

Doozergirl wrote: »

There isn't enough funding out there for really important people like mums who have to do it all and I am shocked by your doctor's attitude a bit. Who deserves funding more than you? Do you feel like your doctor is the right one and that they are genuinely interested?

Thank you for caring.

DS got referred to CAHMS a few years ago for suicidal ideation. They saw him 3 times over about 6 months and then discharged him because he *said* he was fine, even though I told them I didn't think he was. So when I saw the GP about him more recently, he said that was par for the course, and if you weren't an immediate danger to yourself or others and were managing to show up to work/school according to age, then the local NHS wouldn't bother with you, because they are desperately underfunded. DS is now seeing a counsellor from a teen counselling charity, and the people I'm suing about LNE's accident are paying for it.

So when I saw him about me, I wasn't surprised when he said there wouldn't be much point in referring me to NHS mental health services, because they'd look at how functional I am and discharge me pronto.

Doozergirl wrote: »

So sweet, lir.

Feeding them on time isn't the most important thing when you're using the energy to be kind, keep patience or simply hold on to it for other important things. They are old enough to forage for food when it's already provided in the cupboards and fridge. I can send DS to Tesco as well, as long as Pringles and Haribo are included in the budget he's provided with

DS will also cook for himself, or himself and DD, or sometimes all 3 of us. I always ask him to cook for the two of them on Wednesdays (in term time) because I go out to my church group very soon after collecting DD from Brownies and only have time to grab something quick (or else eat very late when I get back from the group). He can do pasta with various kinds of sauce, or stick a bought pizza in the oven. DD, OTOH, makes pizza from scratch with bread flour etc, but doesn't cook anything else.

Anyway, I failed to get DD to bed at a reasonable time because DS wanted to spend time with me, and I haven't had just him and me time for a while, and he likes to go to bed earlier than her because he insists on waking up ridiculously early. We talked about his first day back at school, and my inset day (with amazing training session on helping students revise more effectively that he is keen for me to pass on to him) and then watched an episode of "Educating Yorkshire" on catch up, which he didn't see when it first came out but is enjoying now because it makes him feel that the bad behaviour at his school (which he finds annoying) is actually not as bad as it might be.

Does that make him sound like an impossibly boring swot? He really isn't. He is, well, not as silly as many boys because life has squashed some of the levity out of him, so he's very responsible, and he also gets anxious about school because of the dyslexia. But he is quite capable of having fun with his friends out of lessons.

Nikkster

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Spirit, wouldn't your friend have said something during the time with you if she'd wanted to talk about it? She may simply have been enjoying some sense of normality with you and your OH, and not been ready to talk about it so soon after getting out of the awful situation. Could it be that you're being far too hard on yourself?

We cross-posted. You put it much better than I did.

Yorkie1

lostinrates wrote: »

Its incredible to me really.

Say for example my fear of doctors is born of a biochemical thing ( lets just assume it is) its now so ingrained that its now a part of me even if the biochem is righted,

Expand if it froma self point of view out side a medical condition this is accepted in, if we fall I yo behaviour patterns ...what ever they are....impact of mental health, or impact of cruddy marriages, or ( hmm, or inversely, the benefits of greater than average marriages or situations that bias positively...hmm, not sure about that one) do these long term patterns or impacts linger in effect and change us forever? How can experience not? Habit is also a thought blighter to combat....to break a pattern is very tough, tougher than maintaining one.

Sorry, thinking while I type. There must be interesting ( along with load so rubbish) realms on this because its so ripe of possibility.

I think it's a very valid set of questions to pose oneself. We are programmed to learn from previous events, so thoughts / habits / become ingrained if we repeat them, as you say. This has been part of how we behave since caveman times.

However, I'm not convinced it has to be a permanent state of affairs. What can be learnt, can be unlearnt as a general rule. I guess that's why CBT has such a positive outcome for many conditions which involve 'thinking' - conscious and unconscious.

There is also the point that our preferences change over time. Just because you like something aged 20 doesn't mean you have to like it 25 years later - it would be quite weird if no tastes changed in the intervening period, without any biological / biochemical / misplaced thoughts being active.

Nikkster

I'd not heard of adrenal fatigue before tonight, but it doesn't sound implausible to me in principle (no idea about individual NP, natch). Sounds kind of like insulin-resistant diabetes, but with a different hormone being affected...

Spirit_2

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Spirit, wouldn't your friend have said something during the time with you if she'd wanted to talk about it? She may simply have been enjoying some sense of normality with you and your OH, and not been ready to talk about it so soon after getting out of the awful situation. Could it be that you're being far too hard on yourself?

That may be the case.

Just that horrible moment of reflection, that we were not tuned in.

LydiaJ

silvercar wrote: »

Is she ready to introduce the concept of not having to go straight to sleep if she reads by herself in bed? As she gets older she will need less sleep and this will get worse, so either she needs some time downstairs where she is to occupy herself or some time in her room. As it is eating into your precious time, for your ability to switch off, she needs to be ready for bed, be it upstairs or down. Sell it to her as being grown up, so trusted to occupy herself without having to be put to bed early.

In theory, yes. But she is still working through aspects of her multiple losses, and has anxiety about going to sleep, and difficulty getting to sleep. So when sent to be in her room in that sort of way, she will mostly stay there, but come down briefly every so often to say that she can't sleep and is feeling scared and needs a hug. After getting the hug, she usually goes away again immediately.

lostinrates wrote: »

The sunshine girl is VERY capable!, Lydia has done a great job, confidence and aplomb, DH was smitten when she iced a cake with bluff and joy, but we adore those two, they really are very wonderful, a GOOD at heart people, but I think I know where Lydia is coming from with this. She's a very 'power on' person, the sunshine girl, and just totally understandably wants attention. She's bright, and confident and knows what she wants and its Lydia! but there is only one Lydia spread thin, so something has to give, and all mothers/ parents probably face that with many kids I guess?

I think she probably wants to spend time with her mother and just get some interaction, and in that way that even the resigned reaction of exhaustion is probably better than nothing,She's a real people person, like her mother actually!.

Yes! You have described her perfectly. :T

lostinrates wrote: »

That's why I was wondering if five or ten minutes silliness or time just with her tonight giggling doing something that's 'her thing' , though exhausting , that 'minutes' of intense positive interaction might buy back some 'hours' for Lydia to have 'power off' .

I promise I will try it soon, and let you know how it goes. Remind me if I forget.

lostinrates wrote: »

The thing is, Lydia, even with her great dad, has to make all the calls self, all the decision making, not just for her like a single person , but for three, and not for three sometimes with a day off, or input from someone else, but always. That in itself is depleting. Just thinking about what's right for bedtime for one bright button in the context of the whole.

Oh wow! You get it. You really get it. Thank you.

lostinrates wrote: »

But Lydia, we can at least listen. Silvercar, spirit, zag they have done it, produce successful adult or bigger children. NDG, Michael's, , doozers, are doing it now. Fir and I, haven't done it but think you and your two are special and care a lot.

I know. I wouldn't be posting all this stuff on here if I didn't think that was true. Thank you, all of you.

Doozergirl wrote: »

There is no point working part time if it means putting in the hours without the pay!

An unmissable meeting on a Thursday is totally missable if you don't work Thursdays. It doesn't matter who you are to them. Attend this meeting, but tomorrow you need to block your diary for non working days. People don't think when they're booking you in, if your time is showing as free, people will book it. Outlook, or whatever it is you use will recognise reoccuring NWD's and grey it out like weekends.

Enough already. They are getting paid, you are not. If they want you at the meeting, find a working day.

What Doozergirl said. If you come in on a day that ought to be off, then you must take TOIL. Every time. You can be as flexible as you like about when, but you must talk and act as though it is self-evidently beyond question that you are going to have it. They will get used to it. Or they will get used to taking advantage. Which do you want?

You went part time for the good of your health. Don't throw that away by working more hours than you have agreed to. It's not worth it.

One of the things that I'm very grateful for is that when I first started working part time I had something else (my PhD experiment and then my thesis to write up) to which the rest of the week belonged. So I couldn't work extra for school without taking time off the PhD, which wasn't OK or I'd never have got all the results in, let alone written up. I had to learn to be bloody-minded about my TOIL, and it has been an invaluable skill to have for every other part time post I've had.

Spirit_2

LydiaJ wrote: »

The thing I find most convincing is my discussions with depressed friends. They describe depression in various kinds of "overwhelming" words, and describe being on antidepressants as no longer feeling very strongly up or down but just flat all the time. And I know that I already feel flat rather than overwhelmed.

I had a different experience, not overwhelmed, closer to a 'black dog' or more precisely a lazy/tired black dog.

By nature I am emotional..show tears, laughter and anger. I have learnt to control some of the peaks and troughs for work and for a happy home life (OH is such a gentle soul). Usually I would be described as sociable.

During the time I was depressed,my emotions flattened few peaks few tears. The E 'extrovert' in my MBTI started to behave as an I 'introvert'. I became withdrawn but could do a passable high functioning professional role...then crash with exhuastion in the privacy of my own home.

CKhalvashi

Spirit, I too feel you're being little too hard on yourself here.

Signs of abuse are often hard to tell, and if she'd wanted to speak about it then I'm sure she'd have told.

I don't think in situation like this it's a case of not wanting someone to know, it's possibly more that she was scared of what you'd think, or maybe what he'd do to her if he knew.

If that makes no sense, I'm sorry; my mind is still thinking in Georgian language.

CK

Spirit_2

LydiaJ wrote: »

I



Oh wow! You get it. You really get it. Thank you.



.

The relentless role as sole decision maker would take a toll on the hardiest. It came home to me when you posted about not going on holiday as that added new challenges by being outside of your own home and meant more not less work for you

Spirit_2

Ok Lydia...bed time now:)

Off you go.