Relationship advice, any thoughts welcome

sulphate

So you are unemployed, and your boyfriend (I assume) is employed full-time, and when he comes home from work you want him to help you in job hunting?

So you wanted flowers for Valentine's Day, did you tell him a few days before or drop any hints that you wanted flowers or did you just expect him to know it or make him feel bad afterwards?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but try and see if from another point of view but yours.

I do also agree that an obsession with a celebrity is not entirely healthy when you have a partner.

I am not going to make a judgement on your relationship because I think that you have too much time on your hands right now and you are overanalysing things. It's ok to feel miserable and sad when you are unemployed -- I felt the same -- too much time on my hands and no money to do anything with.

Maybe your relationship has just "run its course", but I don't really see why that would be, the things you mentioned don't really mean that you have different values/goals..

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why would he need to search the internet whilst at work, when you have lots of time to wind yourself up over Dr Google (and probably giving yourself neckstrain, eyestrain and severe oh-my-god-teh-internets-say-I-could-have-brain-cancer-itis in the process)?


It's very easy when you're isolated from being alone at home for hours every day, to depend upon a partner to provide more than one person can be reasonably expected to do - one person cannot be an entire social support system. You've also got lots of time to ruminate upon the things he has or hasn't done; which could spill over into how you react to him when you are together or when he does actually try and do something you would normally appreciate, it's tainted by the thoughts that 'what's the point, when you didn't get me a Valentine's card?' or 'He's only doing it because I made him'.


When I wasn't working, the boyfriend coming round was the highlight of my week. Fortunately, we weren't going out for long before I got a job, so we didn't run out of things to talk about - after all, when your day could potentially be listed as

1. woke up
2. had shower. Checked my phone for messages from you.
3. signed on. The bus was busy. Checked my phone for messages from you.
4. came in. Had lunch. Checked my phone for messages from you.
5. went on internet. This week, Google suggests my head is about to fall off. Checked my phone for messages from you.
6. got headache. Went and laid down. Checked my phone for messages from you.
7. got up. Went on internet. Checked my email for messages from you.
8. you came in.
9. now I'm waiting for you to entertain me/make all my medical problems go away/reassure me that you're thinking about me all the time/do something spontaneous, romantic and unplanned (that I've been telling you to do for years)

- well, it's not exactly exciting, is it?


He may very well be in the wrong, it's impossible for anyone to tell - with depression, your perceptions are skewed, so it could be that you're asking for constant reassurance and being quite needy. On the other hand, you might not. It could also be that the two of you just aren't very well suited, but, whatever, it sounds as though you're at risk of becoming extremely dependent upon him. Which isn't healthy for either of you, with or without depression.



I don't get fancy presents, lots of text messages or suchlike. But my boyfriend keeps a silly model spider I made for a joke out of pipecleaners and a scrunched up black carrier bag; he mentioned that he heard a car driving past playing a tune that was part of the set I was rehearsing on the night his Best Mate persuaded him to come round to my house; when I was so ill with flu, he took time off work completely unasked and (not that I can remember much of it) spent five days sitting on the sofa with me collapsed, head in his lap, occasionally groaning whilst he watched DVD box sets and drank beer - those are the things that tell me he cares.


Do you think yours could do any of those, could your need for gestures and constant reassurance be you realising that he really wouldn't - or could you be focusing on the things you think couples do, rather than the reality that not everybody has lives like in the movies?



I hope that it works out for you.

Thrifty_Fashionista

Nobody can say if you are in the right relationship or not - only you.

I made excuses for my ex for four years. Only 1 major thing made me leave him, and now I look back and wonder why I stayed so long.

However, other people have ups and downs and they work through them.
Only you know if you wake up happy every day.

TF x

slightlyconfused1

I think some of the things you are upset about are quite strange.

If I was unemployed and my oh spent time every day sending me links to find a job I would take that as they think I am not trying hard enough on my own. I would really resent it.

As for the migraines, what research do you expect him to do? It's not as if it is some rare condition or is it life threatening.

It seems to me you are either looking for an excuse to leave the relationship (and no excuse needed -if there are no kids then you just tell him you are not happy) or you expect him to be 100 per cent immersed in every aspect of your life all the time which is unhealthy and unsustainable. You need to have a bit of space in relationship to let it grow.

brenda10

chocolate_lover wrote: »

hi everyone,
i hope someone here can give me some advice..
I have been with my bf for 4 years (i'm 24, he is 29) and lately i have been feeling really miserable and sad.
Although i love him for who he is, i love him as a person and for everything he does for me, lately i find myself analysing a lot of what he doesn't do, and to me it seems a lot, compared with what i do for him. He seems to think that just by saying "i love you" shows his love for me, same goes for "i care about you", unfortunately, and i don't know whether this is just me, but it is equally important for a woman to see "actions" to support these words.
A few random examples can be very upsetting for me, when he says he thinks about me all the time, misses me, cares for me, but then forgets about our important dates, such as anniversary, or valentines day. I know this may sound really childish of me, but i got so upset when he didn't get me a cheap bunch of flowers for valentines, yet all i saw around me were men buying flowers or women who already received them. To add to that, my bf knows as i told him on numerous occasions before that i love receiving flowers from him.
Flowers aside, currently i am unemployed (due to redundancy in nov 2013) and looking for work, yet i receive no help from him what-so-ever. I am not asking for much, but when he was out of work a few year ago (and i was in work) i used to spend at least 10 minutes online everyday, sending him links to any new job adverts to give him the best opportunity or just in case he missed something.
Obviously it upsets me when i don't get the same in return
one last example i would just say, is at the moment i am researching into organising treatment for myself for migraines that i get everyday. My bf is aware i am a bit fearful of even reading what the online world says about these kind of things (i get worried in case i read something bad!) yet it will not cross his mind to initiate in doing a bit of research himself, i feel like i always have to tell him.
Don't get me wrong he is busy at work, but he does have the time to at least give me a bit of attentive care too, he regularly spends time on youtube for his hobbies and interests..
I have tried speaking to him before on numerous occasions, without sounding like i am having a go, just a honest and genuine chat, this always ends up with "im sorry, now i know" or "next time just tell me".

I don't know whether this is me being selfish, or something else, but i would do anything for him, and try my best to make him happy (whether it is cooking his fave meal, paying to take him to a show somewhere, random gifts or surprises) yet to receive something back, i feel like i always have to ask....but is it not a bit of common sense?

finally i just want to repeat that i love him with all my heart, but i am starting to resent him and "close up" into my own little cave due to his lack of attention.

I also feel like our relationship is deteriorating, as i am always sad, and at times it does create a bit of tension.
We have talked about marriage also, before....and honestly if he was to propose now, i wouldn't feel comfortable saying yet, is that bad?? Yet i love him, and i know deep down inside he has a good heart and he does love me too.
Any thoughts welcome

jealousy is unhealthy, u deserve better, seems to be more interested in his own family than you, r u being taken for granted. Get rid, u appear unhappy, marriage will make things worse.

tiger_eyes

Katgrit wrote: »

I think the biggest problem here is that you haven't realised you are going out with A MAN.

If you want someone who will spend their lunch hour looking for jobs for you rather than chatting to their mates in the canteen, or will leave love notes in your jacket pocket, buy you flowers and mop your fevered brow when you are poorly then you need to find yourself A GIRLFRIEND.

Having dated both men and women, I've found the men more stereotypically romantic and sensitive than the women. Admittedly a small sample size but not being a flowers and gifts person, I was slightly bemused ...