Relationship advice, any thoughts welcome

chocolate_lover

Hi everyone,
I hope someone here can give me some advice..
I have been with my bf for 4 years (I'm 24, he is 29) and lately i have been feeling really miserable and sad.
Although I love him for who he is, I love him as a person and for everything he does for me, lately I find myself analysing a lot of what he doesn't do, and to me it seems a lot, compared with what i do for him. He seems to think that just by saying "i love you" shows his love for me, same goes for "i care about you", unfortunately, and I don't know whether this is just me, but it is equally important for a woman to see "actions" to support these words.
A few random examples can be very upsetting for me, when he says he thinks about me all the time, misses me, cares for me, but then forgets about our important dates, such as anniversary, or Valentines Day. I know this may sound really childish of me, but I got so upset when he didn't get me a cheap bunch of flowers for Valentines, yet all I saw around me were men buying flowers or women who already received them. To add to that, my bf knows as I told him on numerous occasions before that I love receiving flowers from him.
Flowers aside, currently I am unemployed (due to redundancy in Nov 2013) and looking for work, yet I receive no help from him what-so-ever. I am not asking for much, but when he was out of work a few year ago (and I was in work) I used to spend at least 10 minutes online everyday, sending him links to any new job adverts to give him the best opportunity or just in case he missed something.
Obviously it upsets me when I don't get the same in return
One last example I would just say, is at the moment I am researching into organising treatment for myself for migraines that I get everyday. My bf is aware I am a bit fearful of even reading what the online world says about these kind of things (I get worried in case I read something bad!) yet it will not cross his mind to initiate in doing a bit of research himself, I feel like I always have to tell him.
Don't get me wrong he is busy at work, but he does have the time to at least give me a bit of attentive care too, he regularly spends time on youtube for his hobbies and interests..
I have tried speaking to him before on numerous occasions, without sounding like I am having a go, just a honest and genuine chat, this always ends up with "Im sorry, now I know" or "next time just tell me".

I don't know whether this is me being selfish, or something else, but I would do anything for him, and try my best to make him happy (whether it is cooking his fave meal, paying to take him to a show somewhere, random gifts or surprises) yet to receive something back, I feel like I always have to ask....but is it not a bit of common sense?

Finally I just want to repeat that I love him with all my heart, but I am starting to resent him and "close up" into my own little cave due to his lack of attention.

I also feel like our relationship is deteriorating, as I am always sad, and at times it does create a bit of tension.
We have talked about marriage also, before....and honestly if he was to propose now, I wouldn't feel comfortable saying yet, is that bad?? Yet I love him, and I know deep down inside he has a good heart and he does love me too.
Any thoughts welcome

determined_new_ms

i think you're asking a lot in the examples you have given tbh. I think given you are out of work, and therefore have more time on your hands, it is a bit much expecting him to send you job links. I know you did that yourself for him, but it doesn't follow that he should. If I was out of work I would see job hunting as my job.

Re valentines gists - have you told him you are upset and was expecting something? Does he value the day? Me and my oh don't bother for valentines.

Talk to him about your expectations from a relationship. Only you know if he loves you and is worth making compromises for

paulineb_2

From the opposite side of things, he might just think you are beginning to nag him. Is it his job to help you search for jobs, Id say no, you have the time to do that. Valentines Day matters a lot to some people and not others, he says he loves you, misses you, thinks about you all the time, that's positive.

You seem to be looking for the negative. You might not want to marry him right now but if you split would you miss him?

Dare I say it, the fact that you are out of work may mean that your mood has dipped a bit and are focusing on all the things that you think are wrong, instead of being thankful for the things that are good.

chocolate_lover

determined_new_ms wrote: »

i think you're asking a lot in the examples you have given tbh. I think given you are out of work, and therefore have more time on your hands, it is a bit much expecting him to send you job links. I know you did that yourself for him, but it doesn't follow that he should. If I was out of work I would see job hunting as my job.

Re valentines gists - have you told him you are upset and was expecting something? Does he value the day? Me and my oh don't bother for valentines.

Talk to him about your expectations from a relationship. Only you know if he loves you and is worth making compromises for

Thanks for your response. Yes he knows the values of valentines for examples, we been ok for last 4 years.
I don't want much from him, but I always believed that when people love each other, they are meant to help each other out, and sometimes that is without being told, its only natural ...

balletshoes

chocolate_lover wrote: »

Thanks for your response. Yes he knows the values of valentines for examples, we been ok for last 4 years.
I don't want much from him, but
I always believed that when people love each other, they are meant to help each other out, and sometimes that is without being told, its only natural ...

true - but your way of doing that naturally may not be his - he may think another way of helping out is natural.

If you've already told him point blank, with no mucking around, what it is you expect/don't expect as far as help/support/marking special occasions etc are concerned, and he's still not doing them, then you need to think about whether this relationship is for you. It doesn't mean he's wrong, it may just mean he's not right for you.

A word of caution though - real life relationships aren't fairy tales - they take work and communication. It shouldn't be hard work all the time, but neither will it ever be always plain sailing - life events may send us down diverted paths.

tea_lover

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? Definitely worth a read, even if the religious side of it isn't for you. It sounds like you say 'I love you' by actions, and he says it by words. Neither way is right or wrong, but if you're not 'hearing' it back in your own language then often you don't hear it at all, however loudly it's being said.

poet123

I also think that you are expecting a bit too much in terms of him thinking about jobs, Migraine research etc. You are ascribing essentially female traits to him, he is bound to fail. Men just don't get that sort of thing I am afraid, they really don't.

However, Valentines Day is different. That can be trained into them....you need to tell him unequivocally that he upset you and that you feel that by not bothering you felt unloved. Some men (and I have 4 sons!) really do need it spelling out. He may feel it is commercialised and false but he needs to know that is not how you see it.

Sit him down and calmly tell him that you feel unsupported and that you felt let down on Valentines Day. He is probably completely unaware, they really are a different species you know!

chocolate_lover

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I will definitely take everything said on board, and perhaps I need to rethink my ways.

In regards to research, I wouldn't expect him to do it really, but what upset me, is when members of his family are ill or his dog, he is online finding out information as quick as the speed of light, but thats not the case when it comes to me...

Will also look into the 5 love languages, thanks tea lover

Indie_Kid

chocolate_lover wrote: »

One last example I would just say, is at the moment I am researching into organising treatment for myself for migraines that I get everyday. My bf is aware I am a bit fearful of even reading what the online world says about these kind of things (I get worried in case I read something bad!) yet it will not cross his mind to initiate in doing a bit of research himself, I feel like I always have to tell him.

But why should he have to do some research? And it's possible that he won't because of the things mentioned online.

You're asking too much tbh.

Regarding Valentines - not everyone celebrates it. I don't remember my parents celebrating it as such and I know they've only said and done things because the other person has done something for them. (mum's dad died a few days before VD this year and a few years previously, dad was in hospital just before)

skattykatty

You chose to email him links to jobs etc. He doesn't. Why should he research anything for you? You are not in work at the moment. You have more time to research info about migraines, look for work and obsess about your relationship. Just because you operate a certain way doesn't mean he should.

If you are analysing what he doesn't do you will NEVER be happy, noone can be all things to anybody, however much they love them. You would do anything for him? Try your best to make him happy? And I suppose he doesn't try hard enough? It's not a competition.

When people love each other, they do help each other but help means different things to different people. What DOES he do? Could you make a list of 10 things he does do right now? How does that compare to the list of 3 things he hasn't been doing? How does that feel to know that?

balletshoes

chocolate_lover wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I will definitely take everything said on board, and perhaps I need to rethink my ways.

In regards to research, I wouldn't expect him to do it really, but what upset me, is when members of his family are ill or his dog, he is online finding out information as quick as the speed of light, but thats not the case when it comes to me...

Will also look into the 5 love languages, thanks tea lover

right, but bearing in mind you don't want to read bad stuff online about migraine research, do you think he'd do that online in your presence? I wouldn't, in the circumstances.