Relationship advice, any thoughts welcome

skattykatty

Nope. He is wrong for you. Walk away.




How does it feel to read that?




Sit down and discuss your expectations/needs (both his and yours) and discuss whether or not it's possible to meet them most of the time?




How does it feel to read that?




Love isn't easy. Suck it up and keep quiet.




How does it feel to read that?

chocolate_lover

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe he thinks you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself though?

Maybe, but how do I know that when he doesn't even ask "Hows the job hunting going"? or "How was the interview"?

chocolate_lover

poet123 wrote: »

Jealousy can be a positive emotion if channeled, it shows he is still concerned, interested, not detached.

I may be in the minority here but I do think it a bit disrespectful to a partner if the other one has an obsession with a celebrity. I have a friend who loves, loves, Rod Stewart, and some of the things she says when her husband is there I find distasteful. If the boot was on the other foot and her husband was waxing lyrical about Kylie I doubt she would be amused.

Absolutely no obsession. I don't troll the internet or even download his songs. I just genuinely would turn the volume up on the radio, or on tv if a good song is on.

balletshoes

chocolate_lover wrote: »

Maybe, but how do I know that when he doesn't even ask "Hows the job hunting going"? or "How was the interview"?

no idea - you have to work out if you would be happier, on balance, out of this relationship. No-one else can make that decision, just you.

slightlyconfused1

Hi. I think you are being quite harsh. The Valentine upset I understand. Unfortunately some people attach a great importance to it and others see it as a manufactured day. The solution to that is to sit down and explain why you feel it is so important but don't be surprised or hurt if he disagrees. He is entitled to his opinion and to act accordingly.

As for the migraine research, I wonder if the difference is that he sees that as a chronic condition that you have to manage as opposed to a new problem/ illness that he needs to understand. I suffer from chronic headaches and I don't do any internet research as if there were any breakthroughs they would be reported and my gp has already taken all the necessary steps to rule out anything else. It is just something I have to deal with and my dh cannot understand how I feel as he doesn't walk in my shoes

I agree with the posts above regarding the job hunting. That's your job. I am sure if he heard about anything he would let you know.

In a relationship you have to accept people the way they are. You sound like you are very giving and thoughtful. Your oh is not you. You have to decide what is essential to you in a relationship what you are prepared to live without. Once you know what you need from him you can sit down and discuss your expectations with him so that he knows exactly where he stands and you can both make an informed decision about the future.

There are many things I would like that my dh doesn't do. However none of them are important enough to me to cause a real problem.

paulineb_2

chocolate_lover wrote: »

Absolutely no obsession. I don't troll the internet or even download his songs. I just genuinely would turn the volume up on the radio, or on tv if a good song is on.

From your posts, it seems like you are trying to convince yourself that your relationship is done.

Maybe it is. But bear in mind, your bf could also post on here and say how he feels the relationship is or isnt working.

Sometimes we see other peoples faults and get blinded to our own.

mumonashoestring

I can see how the jealousy could potentially become an issue. Personally I wouldn't be comfortable being told who I could/couldn't look at, but you have to decide whether it's a problem for you.

As for the 'little things', yes, in a long term relationship some things do become 'natural' and stop being an effort, but others are a constant balance of managing your expectations of each other and remembering whether what you're asking of the other person actually does seem reasonable to them, or if it doesn't, that it's important enough to you to fight over. And you'll definitely learn to pick your battles :-)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He still does things that drive me batty, and there are things that he doesn't do that I have asked him to do, or told him I would like him to do.

BUT

I constantly have to remind myself that it's very important to him that I take an obvious interest in his hobbies (even when it's something I wouldn't otherwise be that interested in), and sometimes I forget. He finds it very hard to understand just how much I value time to myself and he often 'crowds' me without meaning to, but I'm asking him to understand something that doesn't come naturally to me, and I really appreciate it when he gets it right.

I get the impression that a lot of the things you mentioned in your first post that you do for your other half come naturally to you, just seem like the 'thing to do'. You also seem to have given quite a lot of thought to things he hasn't done for you. It might be worth having a serious think about the things he DOES do for you, and how much understanding you have of whether those are things that come naturally to him, or whether he's having to make a serious effort to try and remember a lot already...

marisco_2

I am not convinced that you do love this guy for who he is and for everything he does for you. If you did you would be able to place complete trust in him, and feel secure in your understanding of his approaches to yourself and the relationship you share together. If you really valued him then rather than let a strong undercurrent of resentment build up, surely you would want to improve things by simply communicating how you feel in an open and honest manner. Withdrawing away from him because you perceive that he shows you a lack of attention wont achieve any good. It will only serve to drive a deeper wedge between you both, increasing tensions and the quicker decline of your already fragile connection to each other. I am sorry to say this but my gut reaction is that you have a rather immature and unrealistic expectation, of what an adult relationship with a man should be like.

Mojisola

chocolate_lover wrote: »

Although I love him for who he is, I love him as a person and for everything he does for me

Make a list of all the things he does do for you and then a list of the things that he doesn't do that upset you.

How bad/good does he look then?

Katgrit

I think the biggest problem here is that you haven't realised you are going out with A MAN.

If you want someone who will spend their lunch hour looking for jobs for you rather than chatting to their mates in the canteen, or will leave love notes in your jacket pocket, buy you flowers and mop your fevered brow when you are poorly then you need to find yourself A GIRLFRIEND.