Depression Support Thread

Diamond78

Me again,
How is everyone 2nite?Hope all goos.I just wanted to ask if anyone cries when something is on tv that can be upsetting if you know what I mean.I coud cry at the smallist thing sometimes,I find that watching the news can make me cry and get me down so i try not to watch it,jeremy kyle when and child and parent are reunited makes me cry,a scene in hollyoaks or eastenders can make me cry.Sometimes I really feel that Im not normal,its not a nice feeling as I want to feel normal but I just cant.M brother made a comment to me a few days ago, saying he would like to see my son more but he wont coz all i do is moan,im grumpy and moody.But Im not always like that,why can ppl not understand how depression is?Especially family members.Everyone is different,everyone copes different and handles things different.I am proud of myself after everything I have been through to get through the things I have been through as I feel I have done well bringing up my son all on my own without any help or support from a single soul, I never get praised or told I have done well, at times i feel like im the worse mother in the world due to how i have suffered and been through but i know im not.My son gets unconditional love from me,lots of love,hugs and kisses,even if its not everyday i sit and play with him, i sit and talk to him,every night i read to him,i have now started sitting and eating with him as b4 i never use to eat(even if its a bit i eat now)my son eating wise is healthy a little fussy but good.
I didnt have a great childhood and I put down my depression to some of my childhood which is why I dont want the same for my son,i hate taking AD as I cant come off them, its taken me months to reduce just 2 spoons and i still feel the side affects.Having to start councelling again, i reaslise its going to be like a roller coaster, having to tell them all the things you have been through-thats the worse bit.I wish my life was never complicated-why cant we just have a normal non depresive life???
I would so love to be happy although im happy as I have my child who is happy healthy and doing well but inside i feel im dying,its so hard to explain.I want the thinking to stop, i hate the constant thinking, going round and round in my head, due to the stress i suffer with IBS, if its not IBS ive got a migrane,life is so dull when my son is not here, i feel so lonely and down when he is at school.I no longer take care of myself,before I would make the effort and brush my hair put a little make up on wear some noce decent clothes, now its just tracksuit bottoms, hair up and thats it.I never sleep well, havent done so since I was pregnant(my sons nearly 6).GP gave me new AD zispin which has helped and i now fall asleep 30-45mins after taking it but then within a fe hours im awake due to having weird dreams,ive given up smoking to which isnt helping and i know thats stressing me to.Im sorry ive gone on and on again.I never go on like this when ppl are around me, but i do feel pretty down a lot,still my brother shouldnt of said such hurtful things to me knowing my situation.He is a little older than me,hes 35 and well educated,has a job in the public sector so you would think he would be supportive and not pe nasty and put me down, instead he has made me feel so bad about myself and useless.It was my 30th bday thurs gone, he never even txt me to say happy birthday and he is the only family i have as my mumj lives abroad with the rest of her family,my dad died 2 years ago but i didnt have a relathionship with him after he split up with my mum when i was 7.I wish i had family, someone to give me a hug and tell me its ok and will get easier and better.I feel sorry for my son for having a mum like me, if it wasnt for my son i would of ended everything a ong time ago but i cant as he needs me, no one can look after him as good as me and no one can love my son as much as me.He would be so heartbroken if i did sojething to myself but i hate this feeling , im fed up crying.

meyore

razorbladekisses wrote: »

meyore Sorry to hear that work is a bit rubbish right now (((HUGS))) I really think you should speak to your manager about the contract issue otherwise it's just going to frustrate you further. Is there a quiet moment during your day where you could take her to one side and have a chat? If you don't feel like you can talk to her face to face how about writing it down and handing it to her? One way or another I would let her know you aren't happy because otherwise they will think they can walk all over you.

Thanks I will talk to the assistant manager tomorrow, I get the feeling if I talk to her in private, she would be on my side.

razorbladekisses wrote: »

Awww hun, it's understandable that you felt upset that they didn't remember your birthday. Have you been there quite a long time or are you fairly new? Tbh, if they are just work colleagues and you aren't close to them I would just brush it off and think to myself 'ok I was upset but I'm not going to let it ruin the rest of my day/week'. However, if you are close to them I would actually mention to them that you felt upset. If they are true friends then they would make it up to you

I've been there nearly a year now, but I guess I'm just a bit forgettable. I won't let it worry me anymore, they aren't friends. I was just a bit irritated I think.

razorbladekisses wrote: »

Were the others in your workplace aware of what happened to Charlie? It's OK to be upset. You're probably still in shock. (((HUGS)))

I knew Charlie from the last place I worked. I still get texts off the I used to work with saying "so and so is having an affair" and that sort of thing, you know, gossip type stuff. Yet when something important happens, they don't even think to mention it. It was a shock, I just don't get why I wasn't told. He was a regular customer, in everyday, so they must know. I' going to try and let go though, all this negative stuff isn't getting me anywhere.

razorbladekisses wrote: »

re: lottery win. It was bound to happen wasn't it. All those weeks she hasn't one and the one week where you don't actually buy a ticket she wins :mad: It was very kind of you to give her the money anyway. Can you actually afford to give away that kind of money though? I'm sure your Mum wouldn't want you to be left short or anything.

My mum wouldn't have taken the money if she knew, but I want her to have it as it makes her happy. I've bought her lottery tickets now for a month in advance so I can't forget anymore.

razorbladekisses wrote: »

Those exercise balls are really good aren't they. I used to use them all the time at the gym. Great for sit-ups. I found it really did help to tone my stomach. You're right though, the day after is sooo painful.

You sound like you've had a pretty busy day today (Thurs.) Did you make it to your tae bo class or were you too exhausted?

I made it to tae bo, but I only did an hour. This week I'm determined to do better.

razorbladekisses wrote: »

Yesterday at work was pretty crap, in fact pretty much all week has been but yesterday was horrible. My manager told me to bring in my coursework, which I did and she said she would go through it with me. It got to 2:30 and she said I haven't looked at it yet but can I have a word. So I went into the consultation room with her and she tells me how concerned she is, that she's noticed cuts/scars (employer is aware of me self-harming) anyway I said they are old cuts but my GP/social worker is aware of my recent cutting. She asked to see the cuts. I explained that they were horrible but she insisted that she saw them. I showed them and she says I'm now even more worried. She's informed the area manager and he is coming on Wednesday. She made me make an appointment with my GP (I wasn't going to go back as I thought it was pointless).

Today at work she called me out the back and she said go and show 'x' employee your arms. I am friendly with this employee but definately don't want to go around showing my cuts to her, so I said no way. She then said to me you'll be showing the area manager your arms on Wednesday. i said no I won't, she said yes you will :mad: I'm scared of what is going to happen. I've only just been put back on my Pharmacy course (taken off it last year 'cos I was in and out of hosp.) and I fear he will remove me again.

I also found out today that she told another employee on Friday that the area manager will be coming to see me and she also told this employee about the cuts on my arms!!! :mad: :mad: :mad:

I am so !!!!ed off it's untrue. I feel like nothing is private and that they are all plotting against me or something.

I'm so disgusted on your behalf about the way your manager has been treating you-and there was me thinking I was hard done by. If I were you I'd be looking forward to the meeting with the area manager so you could tell them exactly how badly your manager is treating you.

Is is classed as employment, or is it all part of the course. I think you must have certain rights either way, but I know if it is classed a employment what she is doing is harassment at the very least, maybe even bullying.

I really wish I lived near you so I could help you or try and cheer you up. You seem so nice and life isn;t being nice to you at the moment. Next time I'm up visiting OH I'll let you know if possibly you'd like to meet me? Anyway, you know what to do if you need to talk

Xx

meyore

Hi diamond. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I watch things on tv, sometimes they're not even sad things, like a wedding, and I can't stop myself crying. That feeling just washes over me.

Nice to meet you anyway, I hope things get better for you soon.

Xx

meyore

Hi slowlyfading. How are thing with you at the moment? Been reading that your tutor is pleased with your hardwork-bet that made it worth it! Hope you're ok

Xx

Diamond78

Hi Karrie, im sorry to hear what your going through, its not until you read another post you realise your not alone.Your not a failure hun-its not your fault.Depression is an illness and depending on your situation and circumstances depends how bad the depression is.I woud so like to be positive,I can for others and sometimes I tell myself im going to do this and do that, a little vioce in my head then tells me how useless i am but deep down i know im not.Imagine how our kids would feel if they knew just how bad we suffered.Like you i have no one, just my son.I have no friends left,I had one good friend who knew and understood what I was going thorugh but i was so low over xmas , i sent her txt and said if you was going thru what i was you would want to die-yes maybe thats wrong but anyone that low knows how bad it can get.No i wouldnt do it as i cant for my sons sake as i would not want my son going to his violent dad or his evil family, my mum is old and i blame her for certain stuff in my life as i would not be the way i am now.I know i cannot blame ppl and got to stop looking into the past but i cannot help it,.I have had such a difficult life,it has been such a struggle.My friend said i was selfish ect and something along the lines like i didnt care about my son-i was so hurt and i txt her back she said i misunderstood and took it the wrong way.I know i never.She has suffered with depressiona and bad anxiety,i have always been there for her.I ve not heard from her since b4 xmas, what am i suppose to do???Im not a bad person, im very caring,loving,i use to be outgoing but find it hard now.Im so tired all the time from not sleeping well.Ive not long moved and the flat i am in is so unsuitable but i had no choice as we was homeless.Found a private rented flat and have been here just over 2 months.The mums at my sons school dont talk to me, they are all wealthy and have jobs-I have smiled and tried to talk but they seem so snobby.Im not one to judge and i have nevr found it difficult to make friends but this time i just havent got the energy anymore.They seem to judge before they even know me.Im not always in tracksuits, at first i made the effort as i didnt want them thinking im some kind of vicky pollard coz im not but lately when ive smiled at them they have just turned there faces, i feel like saying something to them coz i find it completly rude and bad manners the way they are going on.I hate going to pick up my son as they all stand there and im on my own,maybe i smell but i put my perfume on lol-i just want to feel normal just for a few days-thats all.

meyore

Karrie wrote: »

Hi Guys

Haven't been around for a while. Hello to all those that know me and hello to anyone that is about to read my rant. I just feel I need to let loose tonight as I can't sleep and feel like I am at breaking point. This site was my saviour before that's why I am selfishly returning for some support.

Depression is a wicked, relentless, evil and unforgiving illness. It knocks me to the ground every time I pick myself up! My life is ruled by this illness and I am getting the point where I just don't have the energy to fight it anymore. I don't want to go back to the docs and tell them it's reared it's ugly head again. Why can't I get rid of it on my own? I am a complete and utter failure. I can't remember things. I want to be alone ALL the time. It's just ruined my relationship of 5 years. No matter how hard I try, it won't go away and I just don't have the energy to fight it anymore. A close friend of mine died suddenly recently and they were the only person I could confide in. Now I have no-one. And do you know what? I just give up. I try so hard to be positive and get on with life but IT always knocks me for six. All over Christmas I knew it was coming and there you go, it walks right up to me and punches me in the face. I struggle to wake every day AGAIN. I haul myself into work and pretend "Yay life is great". I put on an act for my son which is becoming harder and harder to do as he gets older.

I've had enough of it and don't know what more I can do! The end result will be more tablets for a few months. This illness is so hard to deal with. People can't see it. People just don't know what it does to those that suffer from it and I am so angry that I have this illness.

Hi karrie. We've not met before, but I wanted to say hi and offer any support I can, which probably isn't much tbh.

I don't think you're selfish for posting.

All I can really say is (((hugs))) and I hope things get easier for you

Xx

shazrobo

hi all, glad today is over, the kids have almost driven me crazy again, especially josh, he woke me at 6am then has been really grumpy for the rest of the day. the house is a tip, never seem to have time to sort it.
looking forward to my guitar lesson again tommorrow, something just for me, also seeing my counsillor tommorrow too, which helps, as i have no other adults i can talk to about the way i'm feeling.
big hugs to all
shaz x

meyore

dawnylou wrote: »

Hi all,
I know I haven't been around for a few days now - but first of all I would like to apologise for my self pitying rants!
I had a terrible start to the week where I couldn't dress and just constantly cried.
I saw my psychologist again on Tuesday, I think this may be coming to an end as at my last session he said something along the lines of how he felt a little helpless at how I was no better. He also said to me that the doctor was obviously useless too when we were talking of how I was now on my third medication as we hadn't found one yet that made me better. Is he trying to make me give up hope??

Anyway since then (with a push from my Fiance!) I went to B&Q on Wed with his parents to get some plants and when I got home I did some housework!!
On Thursday I went on the coffee morning with his Mam and I then went to my Mam's and we went on a little mini shopping trip to get things for our hampers that we are making for upcoming birthdays.
Although we had an accident in Asda and a big pillar candle fell from the shelf as I was crouched down looking at some candles lower down - and it bounced off my knee!! OUCH!!!
It was very sore and I had to hobble a bit and now I have a big bruise!!
Anyway our hairdresser was coming on Friday to give everyone a trim - my Fiance said I should colour my hair and he would pay as it might give me a boost.
I couldn't decide what colour I wanted so I bought 6!!!
On Friday I took my youngest pup to get chipped and then our hairdresser came - I had a fringe cut in and we chose a red colour for my hair. Then we all went to the pub for tea to show it off!! I even put on some new clothes and makeup to surprise my Fiance!!
Yesterday I felt a bit motivated so we walked all the way to the town for some groceries and back, then we walked to the dogs to his Mams, then we went to visit his sister.
Got tired though, and last night was a rough night and I do feel a bit weepy - but maybe suddenly doing so much has taken it out of me a little??
Anyway fingers crossed this will keep up! BUT how do I know if my meds are working - or whether I am just getting better???

Dawnylou, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling even a little bit better. Was a bit worried about you before, but you do seem to have turned a corner. And don't worry about ranting, we all do it from time to time

dawnylou8044263 wrote:

meyore
I know what you mean about friends. I have friends but tend not to see them that often as I feel I am not worth their time. Besides a lot of the time I don't feel up to doing stuff with them, and they may visit and I can't even feel like drawing up or continuing a conversation with them!!! Gosh that sounds awful doesn't it?!?
Besides I have my Fiance and I do feel that I don't really need anyone else anyway as everything seems ok when he is there to hold my hand.

I know this might sound awful - but one way to look at it is.....she could have won the jackpot!!!! That could have been a lot worse

I have one of those balls too. The dogs play with it in the garden!!!! lol
Well I can't even stay on the bloody thing!

With the whole friends thing, its like RBK says. If they were true friends they'd stick around and not be put off by my ways when I'm down. I do have 2 friends who I can call real friends as I know they'd drop it all for me if I were to ask. But I can't ask, so I have no one to blame but myself. OH is my best friend, but that thought makes me happy not sad.

meyore

shazrobo wrote: »

hi all, glad today is over, the kids have almost driven me crazy again, especially josh, he woke me at 6am then has been really grumpy for the rest of the day. the house is a tip, never seem to have time to sort it.
looking forward to my guitar lesson again tommorrow, something just for me, also seeing my counsillor tommorrow too, which helps, as i have no other adults i can talk to about the way i'm feeling.
big hugs to all
shaz x

Hi shaz, sorry to hear you've had a stressful day. How is your son after the incident at school last week. Hope you enjoy you're guitar lesson tomorrow and it goes well with the counsellor

Xx

shazrobo

meyore wrote: »

Hi shaz, sorry to hear you've had a stressful day. How is your son after the incident at school last week. Hope you enjoy you're guitar lesson tomorrow and it goes well with the counsellor

Xx

hi, daniel, still has a few bruises, but nothing that wont heal in a couple of days, its the knock to his confidence i'm more worried about he's become more clingy than ever, still they both back at school tommorrow :j
shaz x