another relationship dilemma

wouldthisbeodd

Could really do with another perspective on this as I can't decide what to do for the best.
Basically found out my now ex-bf was cheating a couple of nights ago. Told me he was working late then I drove past when he was being picked up by another woman, he wouldn't tell me what was going on at first but eventually after a calm discussion next to her car with her in her car listening he proceeded to tell me we had been over for ages,we were just friends and I was to stop stalking him!

Well this was news to me, I knew we were having some problems but we had agreed to work through them and work on saving our relationship and I thought we were. I think he must have told her that we were still friends to explain why we spent time together and accused me of stalking to explain why I was there and asking questions.

I still feel numb and can't stop going over things in my head which I know is normal. I have an urge to contact the woman (I know where she lives and push a note through her door) to give my side of the story that I didn't know about her, he was still making plans with me and making me think we were getting back on track and that I hadn't been stalking him,i also wanted to apologise for her being dragged into it,if he wanted to move on he should have had the decency to finish things with me first. I think she is as innocent in this as me!

Should I do it or just leave it? Would the whole sticking a note through the door make me appear a stalker? I have a note ready its not very long just an expansion on the above para, its been therapeutic if nothing else to keep rewriting different versions.

notanewuser

Write all the versions you like, but don't put any of them through her door. It won't achieve anything.

Keep them/burn them/bin them.

Georgiegirl256

The only thing it's going to achieve is to make you feel better. Nothing more. You'll be the only one who comes out looking bad in all this.

If she was in the car listening, then I think she knows the situation and what's going on, I don't think she's as innocent as you think she is.

wouldthisbeodd

notanewuser wrote: »

Write all the versions you like, but don't put any of them through her door. It won't achieve anything.

Keep them/burn them/bin them.

I know this is what I would tell myself if I was thinking normally but my head is all over the place

wouldthisbeodd

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

The only thing it's going to achieve is to make you feel better. Nothing more. You'll be the only one who comes out looking bad in all this.

If she was in the car listening, then I think she knows the situation and what's going on, I don't think she's as innocent as you think she is.

I knew I needed some impartial advice, i just can't think straight. I want to keep dignified and not drop to his level.so glad I'm off work and don't need to face anyone,the numbness is going and i!m getting tearful.

aileth

Do not post anything.

Why apologise? How do you know for certain that she doesn't know about you? She could've quite happily been banging him in the full knowledge.

Even if she didn't know, what does it matter? Chances are she is all loved up, and if he is accusing you of being a stalker and then you're pushing notes through her door, you're pretty much confirming what he said. Leave well alone.

tea_lover

Leave it, for your own sake. She sat there listening and didn't seem that shocked, so maybe not as innocent as you think. Anyway - even if she is, who will she believe? She's been told you're a stalker - turning up at her house isn't going to help her think otherwise.

But most importantly it doesn't matter what either of them think. They are welcome to each other. Walk away with your head held high, don't stoop to their level or feel you have anything to explain. Let them get on with their sordid little lives and don't look back.

thorsoak

If you had stepped into some doggy-doos, you would wipe your shoes and walk on.

Treat this person in the same manner - don't waste time agonising over a cheat - nothing you could say or do would change him for the better - he isn't worth the tears.

hazyjo

The seed of doubt is sewn in her mind now. Leave it there. She'll work it out - and if she doesn't, she'll get hurt. You have already told her what he's like - no need to swing it back in his favour so he can tell her he was right all along and you're some mad stalker.

When my first husband left me for someone else, the best thing I did was - NOTHING. The only thing doing anything would've achieved would be to make myself look like some mad angry woman and he'd probably be saying (or she would be thinking) Jeez, how did he put up with that for so long. (I had one conversation with her when I rang him at work to sort something out and she answered (she used to work with him - he told me she'd left) and I basically gave her a mouthfull. Nothing I regret.)

Walk away and realise you have had a lucky escape.

Jx

Person_one

I'm assuming that when you had this conversation between the cars that you made it clear that this was the first time he'd told you the relationship was over?

If so, you've done your duty in letting her know what kind of ***** she's involved with, its up to her if she chooses to swallow all that rubbish about you being a stalker.

marisco_2

It is totally normal for you to feel all over the place after the shock you have just had OP. I can empathise with why you are hurting. Discovering that you have been betrayed and deceived is horrible, and makes the end of a relationship so much harder to come to terms with. You clearly respect that it is much better to separate from someone without cheating and to keep your dignity in place. That your ex doesn't live by this moral stance has rocked all that you trusted in and left you feeling awful.

You have no need to apologise or to give any explanation of what has gone on to this woman. She may or may not have been aware of your existence. That your ex chose to behave in such an arrogant way, and told a blatant lie in front of her about your connection to him, shows how little regard he really has for her as well as yourself. If she is naïve enough to fall for what he says then that is her look out.

All that you would achieve by sending any note and putting your side of things across, is to let your ex know how much he meant to you, and that you are upset its ended. He is really not worthy of that level of feeling. In times like this a dignified silence is more powerful than having the last word. I hope you have the love and support of family and friends to help you through this horrible time. Thinking of you.