Tell me I'm right not to rush marriage for this reason

Cottage_Economy

If you know, you know. We both *knew*. I cannot explain that rationally. Cannot. Cannot explain how that feels, except you feel it toes to eyelids. I felt I already knew him from the word go, as if I known him years.

I am a careful rational person, I am a trained scientist and work with facts not feelings, but I also knew from our second date I was going to stay with him married or not. He said he knew from the first date. I moved in with him after six months. I was engaged after 12 months, and that's only because when he broached the subject at 4 months I said I wouldn't give him a commitment to marriage until I'd been with him a year. He waited 12 months and 2 weeks.

The only reason we waited another year for the wedding was other people wanting us to do things in a certain way. However, had other people not got involved I would have simply gone down to the registry office and tied the knot there and then. As soon as I had accepted him I saw no reason to wait.

Had I had doubts, I would not have accepted him.

74jax

I think my OH is sad that his dad never got to see him settled, let alone married.

I met him a few months after his dad died and would have loved to have met him.

That said, it took hubby 8 years to marry and I doubt his dad being alive would have changed anything.

If you don't feel ready, don't do it because it would make someone else happy.

jetplane

Person_one wrote: »

It was only September when you were having doubts about him moving in.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4756389

Not long after him moving in you were bothered by his attitude to money

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4830106

...and in August you had concerns about his insecurity
.

Took the words out of my mouth.
OP why did you choose your user name? This man has pushed you all the way and you push all of your doubts out of your mind. Alarm bells would be ringing in my head, you won't hear them if your heads in the sand x

Pollycat

ostrichnomore wrote: »

But...I keep thinking that maybe we should just get married now, even though I'm not ready.

But that isn't really a reason to rush a wedding I'm just not ready for, and wouldn't do now otherwise, is it. Or will I bitterly regret hesitating and not having him there?

I can totally understand your reasoning about getting married whilst your Dad can still 'participate' in the celebrations but I do think it would be wrong for you to get married before you're ready.

Good luck - I'm glad to read you're happy (but sorry to hear about your Dad).
I remember your threads from a while ago so a big turn-round for you. :T

paulineb_2

From previous threads, he was the one pushing for you to live together after a short space of time.

All I would say is I hope that the issues you raised previously are on their way to sorting themselves.

caitlyn22

I don't have the background to your relationship as haven't read other threads but I think any doubts, however small, are cause enough to wait. However, doubts about a relationship are, I think, very different to those niggly habits/traits that we might secretly wish we could change about whoever we're marrying! I think being ready to marry is a mix of knowing all those things and not really minding them, because you have no doubts at all about the strength of your partnership. I kissed lots of frogs, so to speak, and when they'd do or say things that upset me, and show no sign of remorse or willingness to change, I would think to myself, am I happy to carry this behaviour (even just the memory of it happening once) in to my future? The answer was always no.

My father died of cancer the year before I met my husband and my mum developed early onset dementia in her 50s, so neither could be at my wedding. We got married abroad in a simple ceremony, for the very reason of having something that was totally devoid of the usual parental involvement (speeches/first dance etc). I was in pieces leaving my mum in the UK for three weeks and sobbed for about 4 hours straight. She, by this point, had no idea who I was, never mind the fact I was getting married but I still felt awful guilt not having her at my wedding! My sister bought me a lovely keepsake that she gave me on the morning I was getting married, a charm that had a picture of my mum and dad on their wedding day, which hung in my bouquet, so on the day itself, I did have a moment where I thought of them and my husband mentioned them both in his (unexpected!) speech which was both lovely and sad at the same time. But actually, I was so overwhelmed by the excitement of getting married and being with my husband, that it didn't really occur to me to feel sad about my mum and dad not being there. Your wedding day is a huge emotional event anyway, so I wouldn't dwell on what you'll feel by not having your dad there. You'll be carried through the day on a roller-coaster of nerves, panic, excitement, worry, sadness but I assure you, the dominant feelings will be love and happiness.

fake_smile

The health of your dad is a terrible reason to rush a wedding. You have to do what feels right for you

purcy81

Oh dear it's a terrible position to be in and I'm so sorry your dad's health is deteriorating but believe me when I say marriage is about more than just the wedding day.

Back when dh and I were just teenagers my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. We were engaged at the time and had been since 9 months after we met. My lovely dh (fianc! at the time) as it became clear that my dad was failing asked if I would like to get married sooner than we'd planned so my dad could walk me down the aisle. I just knew in my heart it wouldn't be right to marry for the wrong reasons so I said no and I have never regretted that decision. When we did marry 6 years ago we decided not to go for a big wedding and instead married in Vegas with just the two of us there. It was the right time for us both.

Your wedding day is just a day, it's what comes after that counts and the timing has to be right for both of you or you risk getting off to a bad start.

Again I'm sorry to hear about your dad and I hope you can come to a decision you feel comfortable with

Pennypincher2

Hello.

Listen to your heart, you do know what to do and trust your instincts.

I look after/ meet lots of old people and many will tell you of very quick marriages (2nd W W)and long happy lives together. I lived with husband for 7 years before marrying (marry in haste repent at leisure etc in my head) and he left me after 20 yrs together as he came out! Which was a surprise to me but no one else apparently. So I haven't the answer except to say trust yourself and do what YOU want.

In the mean time savour what you have with your Dad and feel lucky you can see that time is limited and build memories with the three of you, just with simple stuff like a little walk in the park or Sunday lunch. Appreciate those little unexpected times when he is lucid and seems his old self and don't focus on his difficulties cos it wont change it.

Also be happy, by the sound of it you have two good men in your life whom you love.

You never HAVE to get married.

Your young man needs to strive to be his best for you, to be really worthy, then he might deserve and get your hand x

tayforth

I'm with everyone else. It doesn't sound as if you're ready. The financial issue that you mentioned before is the main reason why I would wait and see if I were you. Your partner needs to show you by his actions that he is worthy of you and worth planning a future with.

Yes, it would be lovely to have your dad there - but it's not a good enough reason to rush into marriage.