different attitudes to money

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

I need to talk to new OH about our different attitudes to money.

We both pay towards bills and expenses, that's ok.

It's what's left that is starting to get to me. He'll spend all his 'spending' money on beer and going out, coffee and cakes from the deli near work, his sports activities, and then, basically, ponce off me for fag money, petrol money to get to work, needs me to buy most groceries. We both work but neither of us earns much at the moment. We are both trying to find better paid jobs.

The difference I think is due to this - I've never earned a lot but learned to manage my money well, save up some, use some for sensible things, and splash out with what's left. I can't say I'm perfect, but I try. I do a lot of MSE type things with grocery shopping for example.

He's always earned a lot of money until a few years ago. It really was easy come, easy go, and he never had to budget or struggle. He's finding it really hard not to be able to afford everything he wants, and to be fair, what he wants isn't really that unreasonable, he wants a treat a couple of times a week and he wants to go and watch his local football team and join his mates down the pub afterwards, nothing that major if he were earning a normal amount. It's just not affordable for him now his circumstances have changed. It really depresses him to think about a pound here, a pound there.

I've just been home and found some money all gone. It was his money. He gave it to me to look after for him, for Christmas expenses. It was in a box. a couple of times he's 'borrowed' money from it saying he'd put it back in once he'd been to the cashpoint. It's all been spent. So now, he won't be able to contribute anything towards extra Christmas food etc, and I don't know how he'll buy anyone any presents. He hasn't bought his parents a present for last few years as he 'couldn't afford to', and I thought this would help. He does buy small gifts for his kids. I imagine I'll be getting up to a big box of nothing on Christmas Day. Or else he'll buy presents with December's pay but then run out of money and ponce small amounts off me for January.It's just so...disappointing.:(

Other than this he is so lovely, but I used to be married to someone who was a financial drain on me, and I'm not doing that again.
How can I get through to him that being sensible isn't about depriving yourself or me taking control of him, it's about actually having the money to do what you want to do. Or am I being too controlling in expecting him to prioritise the same things I do?

He'd walk over broken glass for me in every other way...he just doesn't seem to 'get' managing his money.

*max*

It's not being controlling to refuse to fund someone else's extravagance. He's sponging off you. How would he manage if he was alone and couldn't "borrow" money from you? It's just not acceptable and you have to tell him that. He's a grown man, he needs to learn to live within his means, or you'll be funding his lifestyle for years to come.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Could this be a dealbreaker? I think it might be for me.


But then again, both myself and the Lovely Fella are skint, so we help each other out throughout the month. Couple of weeks ago, he bought me catfood, bleach and some food when I'd been wiped out by a large gas bill, this weekend, his bank card stopped working (not refused, the chip is faulty), so I paid for everything. It all evens out somewhere along the line - but the important thing is that neither of us ever feels like the other is poncing dosh.

rebeccatom

It sounds to me like he needs to budget for his non essential items. Maybe sit down with him and explain you want both of you to have a good and happy life without running out of money before the end of the month.

Get him to put down all of his spending (based on the last months bank statements if you can). He can make the choice to budget or not have petrol for half the month. Tell him you can not supplement his income as you have other goals for your money that you are saving.
Then let him work it out like a grown up.

If he runs out of money he will have to deal with it. Remember, you are not responsible for his finances.

maman

I think he's definitely taking advantage at the moment.


If you've got as far as sharing bills then it's a start. That should include everything for your domestic arrangements including your food. So there shouldn't be any question of you buying the food as he should have given you a sum for that along with the rent, fuel etc.


You say 'we both pay towards bills and expenses' so that's okay. It's not if when you ask him for the food money he's already spent all his. It seems from what you said about the box of Christmas money you were looking after that he recognises his problem an wants you to help.


I'd suggest that from next pay day you ask for his share of expenses so he's only left with his own spending money. he can spend it on what he likes but he has to realise that when it's gone it's gone, no subbing from you, spending food money or anything.


You must take a firm line, you're his partner not his mum.


P.S. I understand what jojo said about give and take but until your partner finds a way of saving he'll never be in a position to help you even if he is generously inclined.

Desperado99

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

I need to talk to new OH about our different attitudes to money.

We both pay towards bills and expenses, that's ok.

It's what's left that is starting to get to me. He'll spend all his 'spending' money on beer and going out, coffee and cakes from the deli near work, his sports activities, and then, basically, ponce off me for fag money, petrol money to get to work, needs me to buy most groceries. We both work but neither of us earns much at the moment. We are both trying to find better paid jobs.

The difference I think is due to this - I've never earned a lot but learned to manage my money well, save up some, use some for sensible things, and splash out with what's left. I can't say I'm perfect, but I try. I do a lot of MSE type things with grocery shopping for example.

He's always earned a lot of money until a few years ago. It really was easy come, easy go, and he never had to budget or struggle. He's finding it really hard not to be able to afford everything he wants, and to be fair, what he wants isn't really that unreasonable, he wants a treat a couple of times a week and he wants to go and watch his local football team and join his mates down the pub afterwards, nothing that major if he were earning a normal amount. It's just not affordable for him now his circumstances have changed. It really depresses him to think about a pound here, a pound there.

I've just been home and found some money all gone. It was his money. He gave it to me to look after for him, for Christmas expenses. It was in a box. a couple of times he's 'borrowed' money from it saying he'd put it back in once he'd been to the cashpoint. It's all been spent. So now, he won't be able to contribute anything towards extra Christmas food etc, and I don't know how he'll buy anyone any presents. He hasn't bought his parents a present for last few years as he 'couldn't afford to', and I thought this would help. He does buy small gifts for his kids. I imagine I'll be getting up to a big box of nothing on Christmas Day. Or else he'll buy presents with December's pay but then run out of money and ponce small amounts off me for January.It's just so...disappointing.:(

Other than this he is so lovely, but I used to be married to someone who was a financial drain on me, and I'm not doing that again.
How can I get through to him that being sensible isn't about depriving yourself or me taking control of him, it's about actually having the money to do what you want to do. Or am I being too controlling in expecting him to prioritise the same things I do?

He'd walk over broken glass for me in every other way...he just doesn't seem to 'get' managing his money.

I hate to break it to you but it sounds as if you already are.

And I'm sorry, but anyone who doesn't prioritise their kids xmas presents doesn't really sound like a keeper.

HOWEVER, looking forward........ you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about finances, you need to cut him off properly, no more 'poncing' off you (BTW I've not heard that phrase before) and it needs to be set in stone. No more giving you money to look after for him, he needs to take responsibility for his spending and lack of saving. Treats a couple of times a week are all well and good but he's living beyond his means.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks.

I'm sure he means well, he's just not had to think about it properly before. He gets really embarrassed and apologetic - and not in a manipulative way, I know the difference. I think a lot of it is that he cheers himself up by spending money too. He's fed up with not having enough and thinks 'oh sod it, I'm skint anyway, another tenner spent won't make any difference, and I deserve a treat'. He does spend some of this money on me too - come home with a bottle of wine for me, that sort of thing. Although I'm not as daft as he thinks - I'm well aware that he thinks it would be harder for me to be annoyed if some of it was to my benefit and not just his, ha, no, doesn't work. It's financial cluelessness combined with not bearing to accept his new reality, rather taking deliberate taking advantage. At least, I hope so, as yes this will be a deal breaker for me if the pattern continues.

I think I just wanted reassurance that I'm not being a control freak.

Time to have a little lesson on budgeting. And to be strong about not bailing him out any more (thing is, I'm not materialistic, and it doesn't really bother me at the time, but I can see a pattern getting established that is not a good idea). And to warn him the sh*t will hit the fan if I don't get a Christmas present of some sort (even a couple of bit from pound shop - it's the thought that counts).

jetplane

OP I haven't checked but it doesn't seem so long ago that you posted on here that you felt uncertain about moving him in with you? So I'm not sure how long he has been there but you need to start as you mean to go on.

How did he manage his money before he moved in? He has had a couple of years to get used to budgeting and unless he has amassed huge debts then he has managed thus far. I think he is taking advantage of you.

He needs to prioritise and he needs to pay his share and you don't need to lend him money otherwise he will never take responsibility. How about downloading a budgeting pack from the internet and suggesting he takes a look at his budget? He has to live within his means and maybe in black and white he can see where his priorities lie?

He may be a lovely man but he has already charmed his way into your home and now your purse? Money is a serious issue in relationships especially when there isn't a lot. A cousin of mine requested that her partner revealed his credit reference files to her before he moved in. I'm not sure I would go that far but she didn't want any nasty surprises.

Ultimately you have to say no to subsidising him before it becomes a habit.

paulineb_2

I think this is the stuff you should have had conversations about before he moved in with you.

Lunar_Eclipse

ostrichnomore wrote: »

How can I get through to him that being sensible isn't about depriving yourself or me taking control of him, it's about actually having the money to do what you want to do.

I think this statement sums up your attitude towards money perfectly and is a good basis for an open and honest discussion with him about his approach.

I would tell him you were disappointed to find his Christmas money gone (assuming he didn't take it to do his Xmas shopping) and ask him whether he might regret that as Christmas Day approaches. In a very calm, unemotional way, try to get him to realise that his actions have consequences, some of which you are uncomfortable with, or make you feel sad (like probably not getting any presents on Xmas Day or seeing his kids go without.)

Ask him if he's happy with the way things currently are, or does he want to change things so he's spending money on what are consciously his priorities? It seems he lives in the here and now. What about the future (Xmas!) which most of us do live to see, tragedies aside? Ask him how he might feel if you prioritised a pint at the pub tonight, instead of thinking about your Christmas together?

If he can't change the status quo for his own kids, I hate to say I have to wonder what would inspire him.

paulineb_2

I don't buy the financial cluenessness bit. Anyone who has run a home should be able to budget to pay bills, buy food, have the odd treat and be able to buy presents, even people who have very little money. Ive bought presents from poundland, poundworld and charity shops as well when Ive had very little to my name.


As for not buying his parents a Christmas present? Nothing? Not even something that's a fiver, but he can do sports, cigarettes, coffee and cake and beer/going out?


He doesn't sound clueless, he sounds like a selfish !!!! in my opinion, lovely or not.