different attitudes to money

FBaby

I'm sorry but reading this raised some alarm bells with me because that's exactly how it started with my ex.

Unfortunately, things only got worse. The reality is that he had no notion of budgeting and was only interested to learn when things got really bad....only up to the point that he got out of trouble and then it was all forgotten again. He never learnt the 5 years we were together, instead, knowing that each time I would get angrier, he started to lie and hide things from me, until it all came to a head.

I wouldn't say that you need to run at this stage, but I think you need to keep a very close eye on what he is doing and don't let all the other good things blind you to what could become a really serious problem.

SailorSam

Finances must be one of the hardest things to come to terms with when the different parties in a relationship have opposite attitudes.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Thanks.

I'm sure he means well, he's just not had to think about it properly before. He gets really embarrassed and apologetic - and not in a manipulative way, I know the difference.

Aah bless.

Sounds like he knows you will bail him out and put on the pity poor me act. Which is in itself a way of manipulating you. Sorry.

sulkisu

I must be missing the point, but as long as he is paying his share of bills and household expenses, shouldn't it be up to him how he manages what ever money he has left? I just find it strange when you talk about 'finding money missing' as if it has been stolen instead of him spending his money. The only thing that you need to do is not give him any (he can only 'ponce' off of you, if you let him). If he has no money for presents for his family, that should be his problem to explain or live with. It is not up to you to sort things out for him, and as long as you do, he won't change - but you know this already.

paulineb_2

Also, if he is paying bills and expenses and you need him to pay more towards money for food, ask him for it. As for extra Christmas food, on that point, you've been living together a number of weeks yes? Again, maybe that's something you should have spoken before you moved him in as he doesn't seem to value Christmas much and maybe you do. And that's fine, but if he doesn't do Christmas which he seems not to, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't do much in the way of presents for you either.


Don't bail him out if its going to make you resentful, if he doesn't have cigarettes or petrol, too bad, hes never going to budget better if you constantly need to bail him out all the time.


As for putting money aside in a box, better ways to get someone to save, anything spare he can put into an ISA and then at some point during the year he would have an emergency pot of money he could withdraw to buy presents etc.

kelpie35

I think you need to make it clear to your OH that you have no spare money for him to borrow and stick to that.

If you keep bailing him out it will continue.

Explain to him that is you taking responsibility for your money ane he needs to do the same.

LannieDuck

ostrichnomore wrote: »

He's fed up with not having enough and thinks 'oh sod it, I'm skint anyway, another tenner spent won't make any difference, and I deserve a treat'.

Does he not think that you deserve treats too? By using your money to buy things for him, he's effectively saying that nice things for him are more important than nice things for you.

BitterAndTwisted

The next time he asks you to bail him out for petrol-money to get to work because he's spunked all his money on himself the answer is a big fat "NO! I haven't got any extra left this month".

He sounds like a selfish and irresponsible sponger. Sorry.

paddy's_mum

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I think I just wanted reassurance that I'm not being a control freak.

You're not.

You're not.

You're not.

YOU'RE NOT.

You are behaving perfectly normally. Martin Lewis would be proud of your sensible ways.

It's your little momma's boy who needs to wise up and stop making you think that you're the villain in this piece.

In your shoes, I'd be fuming and he'd be finding out whether he liked hostel food. :mad:

Saturnalia

Stop subbing him as of now. Then he has two options. He'll either grow up and start trying to manage his money, or find someone else to ponce off.

Either way up, you won't end up ruined.