different attitudes to money

silverwhistle

ostrichnomore wrote: »

he wants a treat a couple of times a week and he wants to go and watch his local football team and join his mates down the pub afterwards, nothing that major if he were earning a normal amount. It's just not affordable for him now his circumstances have changed. It really depresses him to think about a pound here, a pound there..

Cadging money for fags and petrol to get to work (reply: "sorry, I've got no cash on me at the moment") is a bad sign, but I copied the above bit for a practical point. I play local grassroots football (£5 match subs and a monthly fee) and I have a painfully expensive season ticket to watch a local top team. But even tickets for teams lower down the pyramid can be £15/20, so it's not just a 'pound here, a pound there', is it? Can he cut back on attendance or just meet his mates afterwards, or watch in the pub (or a dodgy internet stream, if available..)?

paulineb_2

I share a season ticket with my brother, its paid for at the beginning of the season, if I had to pay cash at the gate, no way would I be able to go, you can only do what you can do, if he has had a drop in income, he is going to have to adjust at some point.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Quite a range of views there.

It's probably not as bad as I made it sound - I was just annoyed about him wasting his Christmas money. But as someone pointed out, that's his problem. And I'm a bit touchy over poor money management because of all the problems it caused in my life when I was married.

And yes, he is a bit of a 'Christmas Bah Humbug' person, so I guess it's just not a priority for him. He does always get his kids presents. Just his poor parents . I think it's pride there - he can't afford to get them a big present now and is too embarrassed to give them something small, he thinks nothing is better than 'tacky'. They are quite a materialistic family. He's horrified I've been making some presents for my family - he really doesn't get it at all, and is flummoxed by the idea that in my family that's seen as something better than something you've just bought (lots of them do crafts really well so the home made stuff is lovely, and I really treasure what they've made for me). I've been told I am not to give his family anything home made! To them, it's second-best.

He is paying his way bills-wise, and for groceries we've just vaguely split them, one buying this time, one buying another time, and it probably works out about even most of the time. I'm going to suggest we have a pool of money for groceries, not to be spent on anything else, and both put in the same amount once a month.

It's the little subs all the time, fiver here, few quid change there, pack of fags now and then that are getting on my nerves when I just think 'oh you had enough money for beer last weekend'. I don't mind now and then but I think he's come to rely on it. I don't think he is doing it deliberately, he just doesn't plan ahead, he's very impulsive. But that has got to stop. Had a chat last night and he's going to try working out a month's budget plan next time he gets paid - he's honestly never sat down and thought 'I need £x for this essential for the month, £x for that essential for the month, that leaves me £x for spending money on anything else and when it's gone, it's gone.'

Thanks all!

paulineb_2

Might not sound like any big deal really, just a throwaway comment, but why on earth shouldnt you make something for his family? I know people who make fabulous home made gifts, I really think a massive attitude change is in order, big style.

What age is he? Ive been living on my own and budgeting for the last 20 years, its a bit staggering that a grown man with kids cant seem to budget for the basics.

If his parents are well off, let him go to them and ask them for money, I wonder what their answer would be? Id suggest it would be no.

newcook

Im another one who thinks he’s taking the pee! I’d be telling him ‘this is your money for the month – if you run out then its tough’. Dole it out to him weekly if need be (and hide it somewhere so he cant ‘borrow’ out of it)

If he doesn’t have enough money for his sports AND his beer/fags then he needs to decide which one is more important and drop the other.

Don’t take it in turns to do the grocery shopping – either go halves or say you are going to ask for housekeeping as it will be sods law it will land on ‘your turn’ for the xmas shop!

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks again, I don't think it'll become a major problem now I've nipped it in the bud (I hope). He's just been fortunate when it comes to money and having a hard time adjusting. On the plus side he never stops cooking and cleaning and making me cups of tea :-). That stuff really IS a deal breaker or maker, for me.

We should have spoken about financial stuff in more detail before but that was my fault for evading what I knew might be a bit of a tricky conversation.

I will not take over control of his money - I'm not his mum, and I had to do that in my marriage to save us and I'm not going to be with such a baby again!

paulineb_2

You dont need to take control over his money, if you have separate current accounts set up another one that you put money into by direct debit every month to pay for bills etc and it saves the old hiding money in a shoebox, giving pocket money. Its really not that difficult to set up even a savings account you get instant access to if you need it and having a different account for bills might help.

Any

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. Quite a range of views there.

It's probably not as bad as I made it sound - I was just annoyed about him wasting his Christmas money. But as someone pointed out, that's his problem. And I'm a bit touchy over poor money management because of all the problems it caused in my life when I was married.

Well, yes, but having one of those that I had to teach money management from scratch, it is a long term thing and I do not think you are oversensitive at all.
So to completely ignore it I don't think is a solution to anything either. If you want this relationship to be long term

ostrichnomore wrote: »

And yes, he is a bit of a 'Christmas Bah Humbug' person, so I guess it's just not a priority for him. He does always get his kids presents. Just his poor parents . I think it's pride there - he can't afford to get them a big present now and is too embarrassed to give them something small, he thinks nothing is better than 'tacky'. They are quite a materialistic family. He's horrified I've been making some presents for my family - he really doesn't get it at all, and is flummoxed by the idea that in my family that's seen as something better than something you've just bought (lots of them do crafts really well so the home made stuff is lovely, and I really treasure what they've made for me). I've been told I am not to give his family anything home made! To them, it's second-best.

Sorry. Speachless. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Materialistic, short sighted, ignorant and a leech!

Sorry if that is hard. While I always give people what they want, and usually bought, to categoricaly dismiss homemade items like this really shows a personality...

I am sure that if he saw it at local craft fair going for £250 first and had no idea you made it instead of bought it he wouldn't mind if they received that..

ostrichnomore_2

I don't know why really. I was so surprised I didn't dig into it. Will have to ask him where this idea comes from. Possibly he connects home made stuff with Blue Peter/school bazaar type things - things that kids make. I don't think he realises they can be quality items. As to his family, if that's their attitude, so what. I'm educating him...
There is a thread elsewhere on here about not everyone liking home made gifts.

ostrichnomore_2

I left it for a bit then talked to him about it just after New Year.

I told him that one thing that was giving me cause for doubts was his attitude to money. That I'd had a nightmare financially in past due to ex-husband.

Anyway, he admitted he'd probably not been making a good impression and that he feels sometimes he's poncing off me, and doesn't want that. We talked about how much we each contribute to household expenses, and we are both happy with that. I suppose I'm unhappy that he doesn't seem to plan very sensibly with what is left of his money.

He was quite taken aback that I thought he was generally 'bad with money' but could see why I'd think that. He told me about how he used to organise his finances. Separate account for bills and expenses, money transferred in every month to more than cover what was needed, then savings account, then spending money was what was left. He used to take care of all finances in his marriage and they never got into trouble. Which of course, sounds fine.

He also admitted that he tends to just spend now without thinking too much about it - he really doesn't have much money left so what there is he'll blow on treating himself as it doesn't seem enough to be worth saving up, it would be such slow progress.

So...not as much of an idiot as I thought. As least he knows what to do. Just hasn't needed/been able to do it for a while.

We've agreed to put the household expenses on a more formal basis (well, a pot we put into weekly) and he is going to start small regular savings again.