Tell me I'm right not to rush marriage for this reason

ostrichnomore_2

Met lovely OH 10 months ago, and we now live together. We have discussed getting married in future but not engaged yet. He'd be down the registry office tomorrow, to be honest, I'm the one who doesn't want to rush into it. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I think it's wiser to take your time a little bit. And I've had a tough couple of years and an awful end to last relationship so really don't want to make a mistake. I want to see how we are together once the 'honeymoon' period starts to wear off. I suppose ideally I'd think about getting married after another year or so.

But...I keep thinking that maybe we should just get married now, even though I'm not ready.

The problem is my father has Alzheimers, and he could only play a minimal role as it is, he's finding crowds and new places and just going out of the house rather confusing and distressing now, but if we drag him out he enjoys it for a short time. He is still basically 'himself' just with the memory of a goldfish. I'm sure he would enjoy being at and doing something at my wedding (prob. not capable of a full speech, but he could play a role, and of course I just want him to be there).

In a year's time..I doubt very much he'd even be able to attend. His general health is deteriorating too, and his mental ability. I want to cry (and have done) at the thought of him not being there. Or him being there but not really knowing what's going on. Or even possibly having passed away. I know a lot of this upset is difficulty in accepting what is going to happen with him anyway.

But that isn't really a reason to rush a wedding I'm just not ready for, and wouldn't do now otherwise, is it. Or will I bitterly regret hesitating and not having him there?

pops5588

Hi ostrichnomore

Personally I would wait I understand where you're coming from though, my grandfather has severe dementia and parkinsons and this makes me think maybe OH and I should take the plunge sooner rather than later. But I know in my heart of hearts we're not there yet and although I love my grandfather, he isn't the same man that helped raise me anymore. It's sad, but I know that the grandfather he used to be would tell me to be sensible and that getting married should be something we do for us and nobody else.

10 months is still early days in my humble opinion, I remember it still being very much a honeymoon period for me and OH. But you are living together which is a good step in the right direction

x

[Deleted User]

If it was me, I wouldn't rush into it for that reason.

He might be the right one forever or he may not be. If your saying your not ready yet, then your not fully committed to getting married. As your partner I would only want you to enter into marriage if you 100% wanted to.

I do understand your reasoning though, but divorce rates are high and you risk your financial security for something you aren't ready for.

Again, I wouldn't do it. I've been through two marriages. My first husband left me for my best friend and my childrens father decided he didn't love me anymore and left 18 months ago. This is a man who I fully trusted and thought we would be together for life.

People change, even those you know the closest. I say wait and enjoy spending as much time with your dad as you can.

FBaby

You're not ready you're not ready end of.

Sethisis

I doubt your father would want you to rush into something like this because of him.

If in a few years time you do want to marry, and your father is unable to attend, then maybe you can all raise a glass in his memory and make it a lovely part of the day.

Either way, make the choice which feels the best to you.

Kayalana99

Didn't want to read and run what a decision to make, I would advise not to get married if you really don't feel ready but are your reasons about the guy itself or are you holding back because of the past?

I had a bad relationship and a few months in I knew he wasn't the right guy, but I was young & I fell in love and stayed with him for that reason despite the problems for over 2 years...when I met my OH now (we are only not married due to saving) I knew within 2 weeks he was the one I wanted to be with and 3 years later we have 2 kids and a mortgage and are vry happy, I would of happily walked down the aisle at 6 months in but have never seen it as a priority.

I wouldn't let your past relationship hold you back if that's all that's stopping you. We learn as we get older its not as simple as meeting prince charming but I think our judgement gets better to!

Buzzybee90

Personally I don't think 10 months is THAT quick... Depending on how old you are? But if you have to ask then you're probably not ready.

ostrichnomore_2

I''m so torn about it.

Past of me thinks, be careful, don't rush. But then I didn't rush into my last relationship (waited 3 years before I moved in with him because of some doubts) and that turned out to be a disaster. The things I was doubtful about turned out to be massive problems over the years and ultimately the reason for it all ending. I also got married very young before (19? What was I thinking! Again, with doubts but I thought love conquered all back then).

I was happy if a bit scared to move in with OH after 4 months. And you hear so many stories (on here esp.) of people meeting and marrying quickly and it all working out fine. So I don't know if waiting really makes a difference in the long run. You can be right or wrong after a few months or a few years. But I suppose I've learned love doesn't conquer all and if I'm honest there are a couple of little niggles about OH. In a perfect world I'll give it some time to see what happens with those niggles.But they are only niggles, nothing like the doubts/real issues I had at start of previous relationships that went wrong. I could be dithering over this for years, just for the sake of dithering. I'm a terrible ditherer :-)

But it would mean so much to have the memories of my Dad there.

RAS

Wait. 10 months is far too soon to be rushing into marriage.

You can always get some pics of you and OH and dad together if you do decide to marry.

Person_one

It was only September when you were having doubts about him moving in.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4756389

Not long after him moving in you were bothered by his attitude to money

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4830106

...and in August you had concerns about his insecurity


Don't get married, not for ages, if at all. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to rush into something unwise for his sake.

paulineb_2

You've posted about issues in your new relationship before. I think it's fair to say you know you aren't ready to marry him yet.