Nan refusing residential care and Mum can't cope - what now?

tooldle

I had to put my mum into residential care after the death of my father. She has dementia. Initially she refused strongly. I then took the approach that the stay would be short to give her time to rest and recuperate. After a few months I was able to move her to a lovely place much closer to me. Mum was over 200 hundred miles away. Mum has settled and enjoys the home, believing she has previously stayed at the hotel. She is not aware of the passing of time.
My advice is to stand firm. You have to do what is right for all concerned, not what is right for just one party.
I'll never forget the sinking feeling when the hospice nurse said to me "good luck, you are going to have one hell of a fight getting her out of this house".

Alleycat

My experience and knowledge pale into insignificance compared to others here but my MIL is currently in a care home after being discharged from a rehabilitation hospital. She hasn't (we now know) got dementia but has short term memory loss. She is due to be discharged home but in the interim will be staying with us for a couple of months due to some works on her house to make it safe for her.

The nursing home she is in offers 'step down' or short term placements. Could you possibly explore this as a temporary measure as once she is in, it may be easier to persuade her that that is the best place to be? Also as others have said, you can white lie if her memory of time and place is failing. We have also as others have said had to basically tell her that she must stay at the hospital and now care home at the moment as she needs to convalesce. No timescales given just that the doctor has said it is best. She seems to have taken that ok but more I think because prior to her admittance to hospital she had basically given up.

Good luck and I really hope you are all able to reach a solution that works for you.

Mayflower10cat

Thank you OP and everyone who's had experience to share in this thread. I'm also relieved that the 'little white lies' seem to be working!!!

The decision to place a parent or parents into care is hard; involves much heartsearching and not a small amount of (misplaced) guilt. My sister in law felt she was coping, (and kept reassuring us) but it was only when her father was in hospital for 2 months and her Mum in respite care, that she realised she was struggling, not just physically.

Almost every day she visited, she was dealing with the dirty bedclothes/soiled carpets/soiled clothing from their incontinence (FiL has faecal incontinence, too). She would attempt to help her father get cleaned up, but would be verbally abused and he would struggle and shove at her. She would cook a meal, clear up, sort out the huge list of strange issues (phone doesn't work/can't switch the TV on/various lost items etc). She would leave, without being thanked and usually criticised heavily. She would go home numb, hurt and exhausted.


Her relationship with her parents has changed for ever and not for the better. We just hope that when they are settled in the specialist dementia carehome we've chosen (with much thought for their likes and dislikes) that my sister in law can forge a new, more dignified, loving bond with her parents. That 'the best of them' if I can say that, has been restored.

With my husband, we've visited three carehomes in recent weeks, my husband has visited another two with his sister. Yes, they vary, but every member of staff we've spoken to has impressed us with their concern and kindliness. It's been obvious why they do their jobs. There was one home that we discounted straight away but the other four were all beautifully decorated, clean, bright and welcoming. Like really lovely hotels. I'd say to anyone who's facing the difficult decision about parents and care at home Vs a carehome, go and visit some homes for yourself. It really put our minds at rest that we are doing the best thing for everyone.