Nan refusing residential care and Mum can't cope - what now?

itsanne

jacques_chirac wrote: »

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

You may not intend it, but this together with the rest of your posts comes across as critical of the OP for not acting as you chose to do. People's circumstances differ, and while you were willing and able to care for your grandmother that is not the case for everyone else. It's unfair to make someone feel more guilty and anxious than they already do. For many people, residential care is a very positive solution.


OP, your mother needs to be very clear and consistent in saying that she cannot cope before your grandmother is discharged from hospital.

poorlittlefish

Just to clarify that the registrar (main doctor) at the main hospital asked for a meeting with Mum and I to discuss Nan's situation. It was the doctor who agreed Mum wasn't in a position to cope and felt Nan would do better in an EMI (Elderly/Mental Incapacity?) care home. She's been moved to her local hospital now so I don't know if the new doctor agrees. He's going to meet with Nan, Mum and the social worker tomorrow but Mum is worrying herself silly, so I thought it would be an idea to get some views before she goes.

itsanne

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Just to clarify that the registrar (main doctor) at the main hospital asked for a meeting with Mum and I to discuss Nan's situation. It was the doctor who agreed Mum wasn't in a position to cope and felt Nan would do better in an EMI (Elderly/Mental Incapacity?) care home. She's been moved to her local hospital now so I don't know if the new doctor agrees. He's going to meet with Nan, Mum and the social worker tomorrow but Mum is worrying herself silly, so I thought it would be an idea to get some views before she goes.

Any chance you could go with her? Failing that, has she a friend who could go as support? Emphasise that they will have to take account of her saying that she can't manage.

Errata

It's a heartbreaking and difficult situation which requires total honesty from those involved. If mum is no longer able to give gran the care she needs and keep her safe and free from all risks then she has to say so, and make it clear that any caring is now completely beyond her ability, skill and knowledge.

bugslet

Mojisola wrote: »

Your Mum is going to have to be very strong and keep telling SS that she is no longer able to care for her mother.
.

I quite agree with that.

jacques_chirac wrote: »

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

My OH developed a very aggressive form of dementia which I battled with for a few months, started getting carers in twice a day whilst I was at work. One week after the carers started, he had a fall that resulted in him being taken to hospital. He wouldn't have wanted to go to a home, but at that point he needed 24 hour care and there was only me. The relief when he went into full time care was immense. I haven't regretted it once. He was in a far safer environment and I really do believe it would have been very detrimental to my health had the situation continued. Living with a person with dementia, is like living with a very large toddler, but one that ( in my OHs case anyway), doesn't understand that they can't catch a bus into another town, that they've only heated food for 5 minutes and not the 40 they think.

I told my OH the standard lie that he was going into a convalescent home and he seemed fine with that. Your Mum will have a point after which she cannot cope and only she can determine that, but please remind her that she needs to look after herself as well. It's really tough.

Person_one

jacques_chirac wrote: »

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

Is this the place for a guilt trip? Doesn't seem appropriate or kind.

Errata

I told my OH the standard lie that he was going into a convalescent home and he seemed fine with that.

That's what I told my mum, she thought it was a lovely idea and was happy to be looked after in a convalescent home; which face it, is very, very similar to a care home.

System

jacques_chirac wrote: »

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

Have you ever had a sink ripped off the wall and chucked at you. Then a typewriter that missed you by inches?

Thought not. I have. Thankfully not by a family member but by an old lady who had to be carted away in a straight jacket.

Not pleasant but unless you've been in that situation you don't know what your talking about.

CH27

bugslet wrote: »

I quite agree with that.



My OH developed a very aggressive form of dementia which I battled with for a few months, started getting carers in twice a day whilst I was at work. One week after the carers started, he had a fall that resulted in him being taken to hospital. He wouldn't have wanted to go to a home, but at that point he needed 24 hour care and there was only me. The relief when he went into full time care was immense. I haven't regretted it once. He was in a far safer environment and I really do believe it would have been very detrimental to my health had the situation continued. Living with a person with dementia, is like living with a very large toddler, but one that ( in my OHs case anyway), doesn't understand that they can't catch a bus into another town, that they've only heated food for 5 minutes and not the 40 they think.

I told my OH the standard lie that he was going into a convalescent home and he seemed fine with that. Your Mum will have a point after which she cannot cope and only she can determine that, but please remind her that she needs to look after herself as well. It's really tough.

That's what we told Grandad.
When he asked could he go home we just said when you're better & he accpeted it.

OP your mum needs to be very firm about what she will & won't do.
It's hard to stand firm when you're being guilt tripped but she must stand her ground.

Mojisola

A friend's mother, who had always enjoyed staying in hotels on holiday, was told she was going to have a couple of weeks away. She loved the care home and told her daughter, time and again, "I'm very impressed with this hotel, the staff are so good to me. I'm going to book here again next year".

She lived there for several years but, for her, every day was new and she didn't realise the way time was passing.