Nan refusing residential care and Mum can't cope - what now?

jacques_chirac

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Unfortunately not. There's almost none of us left and my brother lives even further away than me.

Can you not help? Neither of my grans wanted to go into a home so we made it work between us - much rather they end their years with their family around them than in some council care home

claire16c

My granddad had Alzheimer's & my nan couldn't look after him anymore so he had to go into a home. I think my Dad & uncle arranged it all, took him there one day and that was it. He did at first ask to go home but then just stopped & settled in. However he barely knew who anyone was anymore so it must be extremely difficult if your Nan sometimes is lucid & others not. I'm not sure what the legal stand point is but it seems like your mum is going to need to refuse to look after her if she can't cope or they will always revert to her as it's the cheesiest option.

We also had to tell my grandad little white lies sometimes it was the only way to stop the same repeated questions which drove my nan round the bend.

Mojisola

jacques_chirac wrote: »

Can you not help? Neither of my grans wanted to go into a home so we made it work between us - much rather they end their years with their family around them than in some council care home

My Dad spent his last year in a residential home and had a good time. He was much happier there than he had been at home so don't dismiss the care home option.

Family carers have to look after their own health - if a carer has reached the stage of not being able to cope, they shouldn't feel they have to continue.

securityguy

One of the problems is that people can make bad decisions, and it requires a very hard heart to enforce the consequences. I have a great aunt who drew up a power of attorney in the aftermath of her elder sister going into care, with a clause in the PoA forbidding the sale or renting out of her house under any circumstances. Twenty five years later she is in residential care with advanced dementia, and the chaos this "clever" move has left for her sons is beyond belief: the house is decaying, much to the anger of the neighbours, she's in rock-bottom LA care because the obvious means to get an income, renting out her house, isn't possible, and so on. Now her sons could, of course, just walk away: she's made her bed, so she can bloody well lie in it. They're not going to do that. I must confess, I would refuse to accept a PoA with such a clause in it, even from my parents, but then I'm a hard-hearted swine.

One thing I would never do, however, if I could possibly avoid it, is end up with my main place of residence in joint names with either my children or my parents. Both strike me as so fraught with potential problems that any possible benefit is immediately outweighed by the risk. Bit late now for the OP's mother, sadly.

Gavin83

hippihaz wrote: »

I work on an elderly care ward and from what you've said she only has carers once a day, usually the maximum care package provided is calls 4 times a day, so if she is refusing the idea of a residential home, I would expect this would be tried first.

I agree with this. Generally social services would wish to try the full package of homecare before a residential placement is made, regardless of if your mother helps or not.

The first step is to get a social worker involved. She'll need to be assessed primarily. While you feel she may require a care home social services may not necessarily agree, it depends on her level of needs. It will also need to be determined that she is unable to make her own decisions as otherwise her refusal to enter a care home will be taken into account.

As for the property:

How old is your mum?
How long has she been joint owner?
How long has she been the full time carer?
Does she own any other property?

Mojisola

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Mum feels like she has no life because she can't leave my Nan alone.

If a person cannot be safely left alone, then residential care is the best place for them.

Unless the family and SS can provide enough carers to be there 24/7, there really isn't any other option.

jacques_chirac

Mojisola wrote: »

My Dad spent his last year in a residential home and had a good time. He was much happier there than he had been at home so don't dismiss the care home option.

Family carers have to look after their own health - if a carer has reached the stage of not being able to cope, they shouldn't feel they have to continue.

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

Mojisola

jacques_chirac wrote: »

I am not dismissing it at all for those who want to be there. I just couldn't do it to one of my own if it was not what they wanted. My grans gave up the best part of their lives to look after their families, now is the time we should do the same for them.

That's fine if there is a pool of willing helpers. If it comes down to one person doing the bulk of the work, it's a problem.

hazyjo

My friend's dad was transferred to a 'local community hospital' after being ill in hospital which provided full time care, but wasn't taking up a hospital bed, and wasn't a care home.

Speak with (I presume) the hospital to see if there's any such option.

Tough times. Good luck to all.

Jx

onlyroz

jacques_chirac wrote: »

Can you not help? Neither of my grans wanted to go into a home so we made it work between us - much rather they end their years with their family around them than in some council care home

This isn't particularly helpful. My father-in-law was driven to an early grave with the stress of having to look after my mother-in-law in the advanced stages of dementia. I have no doubt whatsoever that if MIL had gone into a home a few years earlier then FIL would still be alive.