What to do about my brother not staying in touch...

duchy

My brother is a bit like yours and yes it is quite baffling that we had the same upbringing but regard "family" so differently.

My brother plays the "I care about family" card to my cousins but left it a year to tell me that 1 He'd had a daughter and 2 a cousin our age had died very suddenly. I had given up on him previously when my Mum was sick (he was very close to her-probably closer than I was to her-that Mother's and sons thing) . He lived an hour away (and worked half an hour away but turned up once a fortnight if that -would tell me I wasn't doing enough (I was living with her to look after her AND raising my disabled son as a single parent) then swan off (He had no kids at this point.). Some people simply are oblivious to how disconnected they are and won't change. You can waste time and energy trying to get through to them .....or you can let them get on with it.
Ultimately if they can't be bothered then it is their loss.
I realize I sound bitter -I'm honestly not - just decided he's emotionally wired differently to me and I'm not going to be able to change him -maybe fatherhood will-I hope so for his sake as well as the sake of his wife (who is lovely) and his daughter.

Georgiegirl256

lostinrates wrote: »

I agree, its polite to reply to an email or text. I don't think anyone has argued he has manners to model oneself on. I certainly do NOT think that. However, as the story unfolds it seems things aren't quite as one sided. The absent girlfriend contacted the family to tell them of his depression some years ago, which is pretty difficult if there is little contact. There IS contact with the parents, and the relationship with the siblings does seem possibly coloured by some resentment, whatever the basis for that.

After all, op never drives to see HIM, as its too far....

Yes, I agree, it has to work both ways.

I just can't get over the way some folk on here just jumped on the OP.

If it was my brother I would be having a word with him. I'd be non accusing and non judgemental, but I would make it known how upset my parents were, and that I thought he could at least reply to invitations wether he wanted to go to the occasion/holiday or not.

lostinrates

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Yes, I agree, it has to work both ways.

I just can't get over the way some folk on here just jumped on the OP.

If it was my brother I would be having a word with him. I'd be non accusing and non judgemental, but I would make it known how upset my parents were, and that I thought he could at least reply to invitations wether he wanted to go to the occasion/holiday or not.

The parents should negotiate there own relationship I think.

DH has been on the receiving end of being told he is not making enough time for his family. He often works hours that are just scandalous, hours many in his family cannot contemplate and we've got a lot of flack for it (probably being felt of much like OP's brother and gf at times). DH barely gets time to do minimum for himself let alone call people. He does respond to texts and emails,but not always quickly because he might be working or prioritising pretty ruthlessly, which is unfortunately a requirement for him.

We have no idea of OP's job or situation, But he's achieved a first which I doubt fell in his lap, I think some effort and hours probably went in there, and it might be fair to assume he is not 'a slacker' and it might simply be his family have unrealistic expectations of him and his lifestyle. We don't have enough information.

anrutpea

lostinrates wrote: »

I agree, its polite to reply to an email or text. I don't think anyone has argued he has manners to model oneself on. I certainly do NOT think that. However, as the story unfolds it seems things aren't quite as one sided. The absent girlfriend contacted the family to tell them of his depression some years ago, which is pretty difficult if there is little contact. There IS contact with the parents, and the relationship with the siblings does seem possibly coloured by some resentment, whatever the basis for that.

After all, op never drives to see HIM, as its too far....

Lostinrates-did you not read the part where i said i travel down once a year?

lostinrates

anrutpea wrote: »

Lostinrates-did you not read the part where i said i travel down once a year?

Yes, I did apologies. . I have just checked back an I am indeed very wrong. I think I got caught up in the fact its a long way and not practical for a short trip. I'm guessing that your brother feels the same way........

He comes a couple of times a year you go once, that's really not that bad you know!

anrutpea

I never knew a discussion about a brother could divide people's opinion so much but thanks for your input.

It seems a lot of people have jumped on the depression bandwagon now. I said i found out he'd had a bout of depression but that was over 7 years ago. Can someone just be depressed once or is it totally recurring. I have no idea really and it is just speculation maybe just me worrying.

Whenever i do see him he seems fine, talkative, clean and well dressed. When he was depressed he couldn't get out of bed on a morning and he had bad personal hygiene. None of these issues are apparent which yes lead me to the opinion that he is ignorant that his lack of contact is hurtful but nevertheless it's frustrating planning things and just not getting a reply.

I appreciate the only opinion you have is off half a dozen posts on this thread but i think some people are wanting to interpret what i write as malicious, bitter and jealous which is not the case.

lostinrates

You cannot tell just forM seeing some one if they are depressed.


For example, the term 'smiling depression' refers to people who are functional , 'smily' together seeming but depressive behind closed doors. as I understand it. It may or may not apply to someone. Aiui one can have one episode of depression or recurring ones.

Frankly, I suspect he's just grown into a different relationship with you and that you might not or he MIGHT FEEL you do not appreciate his life demands.

Its both easier to do so in here form just a few posts and harder.... we have no simmering resentment over past issues, for example.

As I said before, I hope you find peace with the situation. Good luck with the wedding!

Georgiegirl256

Maybe he doesn't realise that his actions are causing hurt and upset? If he does yet carries on doing it then I really don't know where you go from there?

I would definitely try and have a word with him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

anrutpea wrote: »

I never knew a discussion about a brother could divide people's opinion so much but thanks for your input.

It seems a lot of people have jumped on the depression bandwagon now. I said i found out he'd had a bout of depression but that was over 7 years ago. Can someone just be depressed once or is it totally recurring. I have no idea really and it is just speculation maybe just me worrying.

Whenever i do see him he seems fine, talkative, clean and well dressed. When he was depressed he couldn't get out of bed on a morning and he had bad personal hygiene. None of these issues are apparent which yes lead me to the opinion that he is ignorant that his lack of contact is hurtful but nevertheless it's frustrating planning things and just not getting a reply.

I appreciate the only opinion you have is off half a dozen posts on this thread but i think some people are wanting to interpret what i write as malicious, bitter and jealous which is not the case.

Depression does tend to come back from time to time, particularly (so it seems) with people who are very intelligent/high achievers. It can colour their entire perspective on life and commonly, the first bouts occur in the teens or early twenties. He could easily be anxiety prone, especially bearing in mind his dissertation thingy; anxiety can be even more crippling than depression alone.

It may well be in that case, whilst he could find keeping in touch very stressful and has to make a huge effort for holidays.

I also know people like this; they're very careful to not put themselves under extra pressure from social situations even when well for fear that they'll get unwell again and if pressed, can withdraw even more. There's also a lot of stigma attached to mental health issues and he could very easily be the type of person who hates admitting to needing help or sees it as a failing in himself; it's also very common for someone to really appreciate help but feel too awkward or embarrassed to be demonstrative.



For whatever reason, he just doesn't interact with the family in the same way as you do - perhaps you're more outgoing and confident?


Maybe it would be helpful to just send him a message via his partner just to say that if he ever needs you, you'll be there - but not expect any reply. He could, as you say, be absolutely fine, but if part of your anger/annoyance is coloured by worrying about him, at least you've left the door open for him to approach without dreading an ear bashing.

anrutpea

Well my brother just called my mum so she was thrilled to hear from him. He is going to come up one weekend in a few weeks time and then we'll all be together again in 5 weeks time when we go on holiday.

He also told mum he's taken time off for my wedding and wants to put my wedding ribbons on his new car for my wedding photos.

I feel very happy, even though i have not had a direct conversation.

Maybe i can ask him face to face whether he'll come up for our parents' anniversary dinner although i don't want to push my luck.

Thanks everyone :-)