What to do about my brother not staying in touch...

anrutpea

Hi everyone.

I just wrote out this post then my internet connection crashed and i lost the whole lot. 2nd attempt.....

I'm after some advice about how to handle my brother's ignorant and rude behaviour.

We were brought up to be close, eating round the table together etc, however since fleeing the nest my brother has been awful at keeping in touch.

About 5 years ago he moved to the other end of the coutry and just doesn't keepin contact at all. He has a mobile phone which if i ring he doesn't answer, if i text he doesn't reply, same with emails.

There has been no fall out so i have no idea why he has no interest in having any kind of relationship with me. It's so hurtful. At first my parents would shrug it off making comments like oh he's useless at responding or send a message now you might hear back within 6 months but i know it's getting my mum down now.

My brother does ring mum once every couple of months but mum has been trying to arrange a holiday that she is paying for to take us all abroad to celebrate a landmark birthday. She found flights and accom but by the time my brother bothered to respond the price had shot up considerably and out of the price range she was willing to pay. So she lost that holiday.

My parents also gave my brother a substantial amount of money towards a deposit to buy his first home with his girlfriend. I thought this might trigger some increased contact out of gratitude but it didn't. Instead they invited his girlfriend's mum to stay for a week at Christmas because she's on her own and didn't bother making his usual new year visit to my parents.

I'm getting married this year and my brother hasn't even bothered to congratulate me. He has ignored the invitation to go on thr stag do and his girlf has ignored my hen do invitation.

Assuming they respond to my Rsvp i will be spending a lot of money on them having wedding breakfast, evening buffet and 1 night accom when i'm thinking why should i bother.

Should i tell him how hurtful and rude he's being or will this just make me out to be the bad guy? my parents say nothing for fear or him contacting them even less if they speak up.

What should i do?

KxMx

Honestly I could have written parts of that post myself. I and Mum have similar issues with my brother. It's very hurtful we don't see him or hear from him very often. But although I don't like it I have come to the conclusion that he is an adult and I have to respect what he is willing to give.
I do make the odd pointed remark, then change the subject, to him and his partner though when we do see him. I respect he is an adult but I don't have to sit in silence!
Personally where money is involved in your situation I wouldn't put yourself out for him. If that makes you the bad guy then shrug it off because you know who is at fault and that's not you. I think with your parents honesty is the best policy harsh as it sounds you won't be telling them anything they don't know.

Wilma33

What's your relationship like when you DO see him or talk to him on the phone? Does he work long hours?

anrutpea

Thanks I appreciate your post. Although it's sad to think you are feeling like I am.

Do your remarks trigger any increased effort or do they just go over his head.

I respect that my brother is an adult i just don't understand why he isn't interested in my life.

I feel more angry for my parents and grandma. My grandma was widowed 3 years ago and my brother never rings her or writes to her despite him knowingg she is lonely.

How can people be so selfish?

thorsoak

Send him an invitation, with RSVP by a certain date - if he doesn't respond by that date, then he won't be coming! So don't pay for an empty place at the table/accommodation etc.

Sadly, you can't make him home, you can't make him keep in contact - all you can do is just write to him every few weeks/keeping him in the loop regarding your parents - but you cannot make him respond to you or your parents. But don't shut the door by telling him what you think of his behaviour.

It is sad when this comes about, when he's not interested in your life - but that is what happens. How interested are you in his life?

anrutpea

When i do see my brother we talk over the dinner table but i don't see uch of him because he stays at my parents and i pop over for a few evenings.

It's another slap in the face when they do visit as they use my parents home as a hotel then do off and meet his girlfriends mates.

My brother and I NEVER speak on the phone.

swingaloo

In all honesty there is nothing you can do. You cant turn him into the person you want him to be. He clearly doesn't want the same kind of family closeness you do. It doesn't make him rude and ignorant, its simply the way he's chosen to live his life.

My dad was one of 7 brothers who were always very close except for one of them. He lived within a 5 miles radius of the rest of his brothers all his life but never attended a family occasion. It was just accepted that John would never be there. We still sent wedding invites etc but he never showed at all.

Let your brother follow his path and you follow yours.

anrutpea

Thursoak i am totally interested in my brothers life but he doesn't keep in touch with me to keep any kind of relationship going. I don't know anything about him. He is a total stranger.

I email him chatty emails asking how he is and telling him whats going on but no reply.

He used to work 4 days on 4 days off but now works Mon-Fri office hours

swingaloo

anrutpea wrote: »

It's another slap in the face when they do visit as they use my parents home as a hotel then do off and meet his girlfriends mates.



Would it feel better if he was in the area and didn't stay with your parents.

I have family ( a sister) who live 250 miles away. When she comes up here she stays with me but is out a lot of the time as its not often they come and its understandable that they want to catch up with everyone. Id be gutted if they stayed in a hotel because they felt guilty every time they left our house.

DigForVictory

Siblings! Who'd have them?!

The one path I can see through this painful minefield is possibly sis-in-law. A note to her, mentioning that your mum would love to see them both &/or hear from them a little more *might* pay off. (She does know the inlaws funded some of the house deposit?) Phrase it gently, as she's the nearest boot to your brother's backside...

As for the wedding, I wouldn't get too hurt by a bloke (even a brother) not quite 'getting it'. (Huge congratulations & I hope it's a happy day, followed by many more of them of course!) Chalk it up to it being a Bloke Thing & forgive him.
Chase them for RSVPs in due course, as a seperate item.

Yes, living at the other end of the country is a nifty pretext, but phone calls aren't that hard. Or are they? When did your family get a phone in the home? (Husband didn't til his late teens - neighbours used to answer the phone box & trot to fetch whomever was wanted - and so he has almost no phone "software" installed. His mother has trained him to call each Wednesday & Sunday, so she does hear from him. *My* family are so happy with the tech they call at meal & bathtimes...)

Hoping you can forgive some & move on more!

anrutpea

I understand they want to catch up with friends but i think if you only visit your parents once or twice a year the least they can do is keep 1 day and evening aside to do something with them.

My brother's girlfriend rings her mum every night so surely my brother can pick up the phone while she's rabbiting on.

My parents have had the same landline and numbet since we were at home and my folks are retiredso in the house a lot. They each have a mobile too.