What to do about my brother not staying in touch...

thorsoak

anrutpea wrote: »

Thursoak i am totally interested in my brothers life but he doesn't keep in touch with me to keep any kind of relationship going. I don't know anything about him. He is a total stranger.

I email him chatty emails asking how he is and telling him whats going on but no reply.

He used to work 4 days on 4 days off but now works Mon-Fri office hours

Well, for whatever reason (and I cannot offer one) your brother isn't interested in you. There is nothing that you can do about it, I'm afraid. Unless you do wish to have a show-down and find out why. He may think that you do not give his partner the respect that he thinks she deserves, and has transferred his loyalties (which we on MSE would be lauding if we were talking to his partner) - but that is purely surmise - and unless he tells you, you won't know. You will just have to let it go. Sad - but you still have your mum and dad and the rest of the family. x

anrutpea

Swingaloo i appreciate your comments but i think it is rude to ignore your family then turn up for a free holifay for him and his parner courtesy of bank of mum anddad. Return home from the holiday to ignore us all, then gladly grab £10k off our parents to buy their house (which my parents have yet to be invited to visit), not come up for Christmas, ignore us all again then accept another free holiday courtesy of bank of mum and dad to USA.

Do you not see why i would be p'd off and offended. It's very mercenary behaviour don't you think?

fabforty

anrutpea wrote: »

Hi everyone.

I just wrote out this post then my internet connection crashed and i lost the whole lot. 2nd attempt.....

I'm after some advice about how to handle my brother's ignorant and rude behaviour.

We were brought up to be close, eating round the table together etc, however since fleeing the nest my brother has been awful at keeping in touch.

About 5 years ago he moved to the other end of the coutry and just doesn't keepin contact at all. He has a mobile phone which if i ring he doesn't answer, if i text he doesn't reply, same with emails.

There has been no fall out so i have no idea why he has no interest in having any kind of relationship with me. It's so hurtful. At first my parents would shrug it off making comments like oh he's useless at responding or send a message now you might hear back within 6 months but i know it's getting my mum down now.

My brother does ring mum once every couple of months but mum has been trying to arrange a holiday that she is paying for to take us all abroad to celebrate a landmark birthday. She found flights and accom but by the time my brother bothered to respond the price had shot up considerably and out of the price range she was willing to pay. So she lost that holiday.

My parents also gave my brother a substantial amount of money towards a deposit to buy his first home with his girlfriend. I thought this might trigger some increased contact out of gratitude but it didn't. Instead they invited his girlfriend's mum to stay for a week at Christmas because she's on her own and didn't bother making his usual new year visit to my parents.

I'm getting married this year and my brother hasn't even bothered to congratulate me. He has ignored the invitation to go on thr stag do and his girlf has ignored my hen do invitation.

Assuming they respond to my Rsvp i will be spending a lot of money on them having wedding breakfast, evening buffet and 1 night accom when i'm thinking why should i bother.

Should i tell him how hurtful and rude he's being or will this just make me out to be the bad guy? my parents say nothing for fear or him contacting them even less if they speak up.

What should i do?

*putting my tin hat on*


I have four siblings, including two brothers and can easily go for weeks if not months without hearing from either of them. We have a normal healthy relationship, no big fallings out, however, we have all grown up and have our own lives to lead. We get in touch sporadically - although we are always there for each other when needed.
Sibling relationships are just like friendships - they find their own level and no amount of forcing it will turn it into something that it isn't.
We don't do long phone calls or chatty emails either. But when we do meet up, I an honestly say that none of us are bothered about how long it has been since the last contact.
Perhaps your brother just has a different idea about what your relationship needs to be.
Not going to your respective stag and hen do's seems understandable to me - it doesn't sound as if you and your brother's girlfriend are close enough for her to travel across the country to go to your hen night and likewise your brother nd your partner.
If it was my brother I would still invite him to the wedding, unless you are only inviting people that you have heard from regularly. There's no reason for you to pay for his accommodation though, perhaps you and your family won't feel so used if you all stop giving him so much.

thorsoak

If you are so p'd off and offended, then losing contact won't be as upsetting.

There is the old saying "My son is my son til he takes him a wife, but my daughter's my daughter for the whole of her life".

lostinrates

thorsoak wrote: »

Well, for whatever reason (and I cannot offer one) your brother isn't interested in you. There is nothing that you can do about it, I'm afraid. Unless you do wish to have a show-down and find out why. He may think that you do not give his partner the respect that he thinks she deserves, and has transferred his loyalties (which we on MSE would be lauding if we were talking to his partner) - but that is purely surmise - and unless he tells you, you won't know. You will just have to let it go. Sad - but you still have your mum and dad and the rest of the family. x

Any confrontation, a showdown, a plea that can be interpreted as 'whiney' by someone who doesn't appreciate its a heartfelt plea for rekindling affection, is just as likely to give him a disincentive to be in touch if he feels (whether fairly or not) he might be 'harangued'.


What is your/your parents relationship with his girlfriend like? Do you like her? Have there been any issues that could be at the route of this distancing?

lostinrates

anrutpea wrote: »

Swingaloo i appreciate your comments but i think it is rude to ignore your family then turn up for a free holifay for him and his parner courtesy of bank of mum anddad. Return home from the holiday to ignore us all, then gladly grab £10k off our parents to buy their house (which my parents have yet to be invited to visit), not come up for Christmas, ignore us all again then accept another free holiday courtesy of bank of mum and dad to USA.

Do you not see why i would be p'd off and offended. It's very mercenary behaviour don't you think?

. I can see why you would be hurt, but these are your parents choices. I'd keep out of the relationship between them ( unless it were actually financially or otherwise abusive).

anrutpea

Lostinrates thanks for your comments. My parents get on well with my brothers girlfriend but they don't really know her due to little contact. They send her birthday money etc. I like her she's a nice girl what little i know about her.

My fiance says its awkward when we are with mu brother as its so rare we have to get to know each other when we do meet. Its not like we can carry on where we left off.

lostinrates

anrutpea wrote: »

Lostinrates thanks for your comments. My parents get on well with my brothers girlfriend but they don't really know her due to little contact. They send her birthday money etc. I like her she's a nice girl what little i know about her.

My fiance says its awkward when we are with mu brother as its so rare we have to get to know each other when we do meet. Its not like we can carry on where we left off.

Maybe they don't like him:rotfl:

I really think you are squeezing a dry lemon from what you have said

sulkisu

anrutpea wrote: »

Lostinrates thanks for your comments. My parents get on well with my brothers girlfriend but they don't really know her due to little contact. They send her birthday money etc. I like her she's a nice girl what little i know about her.

My fiance says its awkward when we are with mu brother as its so rare we have to get to know each other when we do meet. Its not like we can carry on where we left off.

Why on earth would your parents send money to your brothers' girlfriend - especially as they don't really know her? I think the problem/issue/solution lies with your parents, not your brother.

cte1111

I think you just have to accept your brother for who he is. He doesn't want to stay in close contact with you or your parents. We could speculate on the reason why, but it's pointless really. He's made it very clear.

You can though change your reaction to the situation. Set your expectations at a realistic level, then you can start to feel less hurt and angry with your brother. Stop ringing and texting him for now, what does it achieve if you know he's not going to answer?

Your parents could also try to change their expectations and behaviour towards your brother, but that's up to them. Best to leave them to make their own decisions, in the same way that you need to leave your brother to live his life how he wishes.