What to do about my brother not staying in touch...

Tiffany_Aching

If you had mentioned the depression issue in your first post then you would have had different replies. It may be an important part of the reasons that you see little of him. There is a big difference in showing concern for a relative who has suffered, may possibly still be suffering, with depression and the original post that you made where you inferred that he was just an ungrateful, selfish person who was hurting both you and your parents.

People weren't being that nasty, they were giving you their opinion - which you were asking for when posting on the forum.

anrutpea

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

If you had mentioned the depression issue in your first post then you would have had different replies. It may be an important part of the reasons that you see little of him. There is a big difference in showing concern for a relative who has suffered, may possibly still be suffering, with depression and the original post that you made where you inferred that he was just an ungrateful, selfish person who was hurting both you and your parents.

People weren't being that nasty, they were giving you their opinion - which you were asking for when posting on the forum.

Firstly i didn't really want to discuss my brother's medical issues as it is pure speculation - he may be happy as larry at the other end of the country but I don't know. I do worry however.

And yes i did ask for opinion but do you honetly think it's acceptable for some one who does not know me to say 'if I was your brother i would have moved further away'? This is just being nasty for nasty's sake and i have reported this user for the comment.

We are all entitled to our opinions but there is no excuse to jump to conclusions of me being bitter etc.

I didn't actually realise how common it was for siblings to lose touch and not really have a relationship any more but reading some of the posts on here has helped to me realise that it's not personal it's just people grow up and grow apart. That's fine - as long as he is happy.

lostinrates

anrutpea wrote: »

Firstly i didn't really want to discuss my brother's medical issues as it is pure speculation - he may be happy as larry at the other end of the country but I don't know. I do worry however.

And yes i did ask for opinion but do you honetly think it's acceptable for some one who does not know me to say 'if I was your brother i would have moved further away'? This is just being nasty for nasty's sake and i have reported this user for the comment.

We are all entitled to our opinions but there is no excuse to jump to conclusions of me being bitter etc.

I didn't actually realise how common it was for siblings to lose touch and not really have a relationship any more but reading some of the posts on here has helped to me realise that it's not personal it's just people grow up and grow apart. That's fine - as long as he is happy.

Yet you were happy for people to jump to conclusions he was greedy and selfish?

Medical issues, personality issues.....much of a muchness to some, he might feel equally disgruntled at either being discussed or neither.

In either case, I do hope you find peace over his lack of presence in your life.

Tiffany_Aching

anrutpea wrote: »

We are all entitled to our opinions but there is no excuse to jump to conclusions of me being bitter etc.

.

Yet the information you shared to this point led many people to jump to the conclusion that he was being thoughtless and selfish, an opinion that you obviously agree with as you did nothing to defend him.

red_devil

Not only is he selfish he is rude. Give up worrying about him and contacting him. One day he might come to his senses.

fabforty

anrutpea wrote: »

Firstly i didn't really want to discuss my brother's medical issues as it is pure speculation - he may be happy as larry at the other end of the country but I don't know. I do worry however.

And yes i did ask for opinion but do you honetly think it's acceptable for some one who does not know me to say 'if I was your brother i would have moved further away'? This is just being nasty for nasty's sake and i have reported this user for the comment.

We are all entitled to our opinions but there is no excuse to jump to conclusions of me being bitter etc.

I didn't actually realise how common it was for siblings to lose touch and not really have a relationship any more but reading some of the posts on here has helped to me realise that it's not personal it's just people grow up and grow apart. That's fine - as long as he is happy.

Considering that his long term partner told you that he suffers from depression, it's more than 'pure speculation' surely? Or are you now suggesting that she might have made up such a thing?
You sound like an intelligent woman, so you must have realised that his depression would be wholly relevant to the situation - not just some irrelevant piece of tittle tattle.
You shared everything else about the situation, so your reasons for not mentioning that one important fact, (especially as this is an anonymous forum) don't quite ring true. At the risk of you quoting the 'be nice to fellow moneysavers' line again, it sounds like you were happy for everyone to think that he was a selfish, ungrateful git and posted just enough information to give that impression.

Tiffany_Aching

You know, it may be that he doesn't have much to do with his family because he believes that they are quick to see him in a negative light and it is far less stressful to just keep himself to himself. This may be particularly so if he suffers with depression.

marisco_2

Every relationship is at its best when an individual makes a choice to be part of it. Love is not at its best when it is given, and expected to be reciprocated, by default. Family is no different. Therefore whether you agree or not, you have to respect people’s ability to decide what role family ought to have in their lives.

Georgiegirl256

I really don't know why a lot of people are being unnecessarily mean and down right nasty to the OP, I really don't. I can't see that she's done anything to warrant such bitterness.

Granted, the brother is entitled to live his life the way he sees fit, and if if that involves not visiting or keeping in touch very often, then so be it, but I find it hard to understand (unless there has been a big falling out) why a family member can't even have the courtesy to reply to a text or an email.

My Mam's late brother was abit of a loner, prefered the company of animals to humans (he was a farmer), but he always made time for my grandparents, and if there was any kind of emergency etc they could always get in touch if they needed to. My Mam and him could go for months on end without any contact, but if she needed to call him she could, and if he wasn't in, he would always call back, and I think that is the key problem with OP and her brother.

A simple reply to a text, phone call or email is only polite, in fact not to do so is damn right rude IMO. How hard is it to pick up the phone? I can only imagine how the poor parents must be feeling.

lostinrates

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I really don't know why a lot of people are being unnecessarily mean and down right nasty to the OP, I really don't. I can't see that she's done anything to warrant such bitterness.

Granted, the brother is entitled to live his life the way he sees fit, and if if that involves not visiting or keeping in touch very often, then so be it, but I find it hard to understand (unless there has been a big falling out) why a family member can't even have the courtesy to reply to a text or an email.

My Mam's late brother was abit of a loner, prefered the company of animals to humans (he was a farmer), but he always made time for my grandparents, and if there was any kind of emergency etc they could always get in touch if they needed to. My Mam and him could go for months on end without any contact, but if she needed to call him she could, and if he wasn't in, he would always call back, and I think that is the key problem with OP and her brother.

A simple reply to a text, phone call or email is only polite, in fact not to do so is damn right rude IMO. How hard is it to pick up the phone? I can only imagine how the poor parents must be feeling.

I agree, its polite to reply to an email or text. I don't think anyone has argued he has manners to model oneself on. I certainly do NOT think that. However, as the story unfolds it seems things aren't quite as one sided. The absent girlfriend contacted the family to tell them of his depression some years ago, which is pretty difficult if there is little contact. There IS contact with the parents, and the relationship with the siblings does seem possibly coloured by some resentment, whatever the basis for that.

After all, op never drives to see HIM, as its too far....