Dealing with and helping hoarding parents...

Gold_Dust_2

I have not at any point advocated going over and changing things without permission, so whatever you've said to that effect really doesn't apply to my posts, although if someone has so then I agree, that's wrong. But this is not the new relationship of a mother and daughter in law where the mother in law doesn't have any business 'interfering', this is a mother and child who have known each other their whole lives.

A child has the right to care for their parents and to want to help, it doesn't necessarily follow on that said help will constitute harassment. In my post I have tried to give the OP suggestions on how they can help and it's up to them to decide what to take and how to appropriately apply it to their situation - I trust them to know how to act without annoying their mother. If anybody thinks that the OP will act irrationally and harm their relationship with their mother then that's their business, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.

You say she shouldn't do anything, I say she should - they are both valid opinions.

securityguy

Gold_Dust wrote: »

I have not at any point advocated going over and changing things without permission

So what does "step in" mean in "but the reality is that if she doesn't step in, her parents will probably live like this for the rest of their lives"? Could you explain the sort of "step in" you had in mind?

Contains_Mild_Peril

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

didn't mean do it behind their backs but rather if they want it cleared but can't do it there's elves but would be happy for someone else to clear the decks to give them a clean slate to start on.

Thanks for clarifying, but it's extremely unlikely that a hoarder would agree to that, especially since Newy said they generally seem contented as they are. Would you welcome a relative tidying your house and deciding which of your things were rubbish in your absence? Few people would, least of all those with hoarding issues.
Newy, I agree with most of the advice on here: if trying to help just leads to arguments, however good your intentions, it's really not helping at all, but is likely to make them even more entrenched in their hoarding if you push them into defensive mode. Hoarders may interpret apparent lack of respect for their stuff as a lack of respect for them personally, and when it comes to family relationships, that can really hurt. Tbh if your mum still vacuums regularly, they are towards the milder end of the hoarding spectrum. Some hoarders can't even see enough of their carpet to vacuum.
If they talk about possible home improvements, you could enthuse about how good it would be to have that done, don't mention decluttering straight away, but later you could offer to help with preparations for planned improvements, and then perhaps broach the subject of what decluttering might be necessary to allow the plans to come to fruition. Be careful not to tell them what to do, and be prepared to back off if it looks like developing into another row. Ultimately, you can only help them if they want to be helped.

Molly41 wrote: »

I know my parent's hoarding tendencies came from the war as she has masses of food in her larder and some bacon in brine (tinned) from WW2.

Wow! Could you offer to sell that on eBay for them?

JustKeepSwimming_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

...For the most part, those who both hoard and neglect even the most basic of house-cleaning duties rarely have much that is not broken, dirty or completely useless, and will likely not be persuaded to jettison them anyway.

Jojo has it absolutely right: the hoarder needs All Their Stuff around them because it's all precious to them in some way. Right down to the last Kitkat wrapper and out-of-date newspaper. To an outsider it's all just filthy, useless junk and litter but that is not how it's perceived by the hoarder.

I'd say that unless the hoarder directly asks for help (and as Jojo mentions, every last useless bit of crap will be argued over and justified ad nauseam anyway) the safest, most sane thing to do is to leave well alone.

This is my experience of a hoarder (my mother) & I shall be leaving her well alone to sit in her hovel. I'm sure that sounds harsh but I've learnt the hard way about trying to help out. Every old, used, torn, filthy envelope is precious & I'm a ****ing **** for not realising it.

In my case my mother & I have an awful relationship for many reasons, which complicates matters. I don't live nearby & rarely see her (usually her choice as it is never convenient to see me, her only child & her only grandchildren) so I don't have to put up with the squalor. She's in quite poor health, so has support from SS etc. with a few hours cleaning each week, help with shopping & trips to hospitals so I know she is getting the basics covered. Of course all of the carers are thieving *****, always interfering & everyone else is at fault, not her.

I have no doubt that my mother's hoarding habits are a result of long term mental illness (which she has been offered help for on many occasions). Not saying this is the case for all hoarders, but I doubt it is just a simple case of being overwhelmed by possessions.

The whole situation makes me sad - she does have some beautiful possessions hidden somewhere in all the rubbish but I doubt I'll ever find them when the time comes to sort out the 6 bedroom 3 story house she has rammed to the rafters....

tillycat123

My mums house is also full of 'tat'. She needs to downsize to release some cash but every time I suggest starting to get rid of some of it ahead of putting her house up for sale my heads bitten off.