Dealing with and helping hoarding parents...

mountainofdebt

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I keep saying to my OH that we must get rid of all this stuff that we don't need or want and very slowly we are, even though I'm fairly young still I would hate for my children to have to spend hours and hours de-cluttering especially as they may not know what half of the stuff is!

I have to laugh - my mum has a cupboard which I've nicknamed the magic porridge cupboard......every year she has a spring clean and every year I'm amazed by the amount of stuff she gets rid of.

Not sure why, but she recently told me about the stuff in the cupboard that at a glance is worthless but is actually valuable!

claire16c

My aunts elderly mother was a hoarder. Before she moved into a care home there wasn't much my aunt could do apart from when her back was turned my aunt used to bag up all the newspapers she would collect & bin them/take stuff outside ready to put in her car later etc her mum never even noticed.

However it would be different/more difficult doing this with actual possessions.

securityguy

Newy wrote: »

Jojo, I can relate to the reaction you've pointed out with stuff being thrown out. When I still lived with them I cleared through one of the cupboards and threw out a lot of out of date store cupboard things.

Why did you throw them out? Most store cupboard stuff lasts forever. I cooked dinner a few weeks ago with a bag of dried pinto beans that were ten years "out of date". What's the problem?

Gold_Dust_2

Newy, I really feel for you. I've experienced something similar. The biggest thing that will help her is removing her from the situation for a long enough time that she gets used to being in a clean and clear space, because as it is she has become inured to the mess. Clutter really fogs up the brain, making it harder to think straight.

If you can't get her to agree and go for the drastic solution (a mass clear out) then you should try for the little changes that will make a big difference eventually. For example - helping her to sell things online via ebay or gumtree, taking a few items with her to a car boot sale, charity shop or even children's home (if she has any toys) so that she will see the positive outcomes of decluttering, and may even benefit monetarily. A big part of it must be that she thinks the stuff is worth a lot of money, hence the selling.

Is she depressed at all? It does sound a bit like it to me, especially when you mentioned that she doesn't seem to have the motivation to get up and wash on some days. If she doesn't want to join the gym or see a doctor about it (the gym is great as it gets her out of the house regularly, gets her pumped up and full of endorphins from the exercise and helps her to stay positive whilst reaping health benefits) then someone needs to try and get her out for a short walk on a daily basis - she needs the light and the fresh air to clear her head.

Perhaps try and encourage her to redecorate, as the space cleared from things being shoved into a more compact pile is a great motivator, if a temporary one, as is the change of dec!r.

Does she have a lot of guests around that aren't familiar with the clutter? Your saying that she gets embarrassed when you point something out to her indicates that this might be an effective way to get her to clean up a bit. If nobody visits, she doesn't really need to make an effort, at least that's how she might see it.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making her out to be irrational, but she does require a lot of support, and I know how hard this is going to be for you.

As for leaving her to it, I wouldn't encourage that because it's not a healthy nor a happy way to live, and God forbid what would happen in an emergency, would she delay calling an ambulance out of embarrassment? Who would want their parents to live their lives in such a manner, when their lives could be/could have been so much better? It takes a lot of strength, perseverance and dedication to help her as well as a thick skin! But it's worth it. And if you manage to get her to make even a small change, you will be a hero, plain and simple.

Molly41

Im in a similar situation with my parents but we are further forward on our journey. Only yesterday we cleared the loft - well my husband and DD did - I mediated between my mother and husband!! We are doing this because my parents are very old and frail and my father nearly died last year. They have to move to be nearer to us otherwise they will both end up in care and for them that is a greater sacrifice than all their hoarded stash.

I know my parent's hoarding tendencies came from the war as she has masses of food in her larder and some bacon in brine (tinned) from WW2.

It has taken numerous upset and compromise but finally we are slowly making progress. Perhaps now is not the time but there will come a time when it is the right time for them. My parents are the best for sticking their head up their proverbial!!!!

BitterAndTwisted

Gold_Dust wrote: »

If you can't get her to agree and go for the drastic solution (a mass clear out) then you should try for the little changes that will make a big difference eventually. For example - helping her to sell things online via ebay or gumtree, taking a few items with her to a car boot sale, charity shop or even children's home (if she has any toys) so that she will see the positive outcomes of decluttering, and may even benefit monetarily.

I know you intended for your post to be constructive and helpful but I fear you have underestimated both the mentality of the person concerned and the task at hand.

For the most part, those who both hoard and neglect even the most basic of house-cleaning duties rarely have much that is not broken, dirty or completely useless, and will likely not be persuaded to jettison them anyway.

Jojo has it absolutely right: the hoarder needs All Their Stuff around them because it's all precious to them in some way. Right down to the last Kitkat wrapper and out-of-date newspaper. To an outsider it's all just filthy, useless junk and litter but that is not how it's perceived by the hoarder.

I'd say that unless the hoarder directly asks for help (and as Jojo mentions, every last useless bit of crap will be argued over and justified ad nauseam anyway) the safest, most sane thing to do is to leave well alone.

rumncoke

I agree with all those that have said you wont change them unless they want to change themselves and will only damage your relationship with them.

My parents are not hoarders but are now quite frail & Dad gave up the car last year. (at 85!!!) Over the last few years we have made lots of suggestions to make life easier for themselves but they are so stuck in their routines it is an uphill stuggle. We both live a distance away, my sister in Spain so can't help on a day to day basis. We are now at the point of giving up trying and will await in the inevitable call. Not because we are not caring but they just do not want to change.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Newy

securityguy wrote: »

Why did you throw them out? Most store cupboard stuff lasts forever. I cooked dinner a few weeks ago with a bag of dried pinto beans that were ten years "out of date". What's the problem?

I'm sure your pinto beans were perfectly fine, however most of these things had spoilt from being left open, were never ever going to be used, and were taking up desperately needed cupboard space.



Thank you gold dust, she does go to exercise groups and is out most days she just doesn't have much of a purpose now that all children have moved out, gran has passed away and she no longer works.

She stopped having people over due to the house, when I tried to use that as a reason she said she didn't want people over anymore.

Thanks again for the replies, often she will come up with a big idea to have something done to the house but the idea is quickly lost because it would mean having workmen in and change. I'll maybe try and gently encourage the ideas she does come up with though.

Gold_Dust_2

Newy wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies, often she will come up with a big idea to have something done to the house but the idea is quickly lost because it would mean having workmen in and change. I'll maybe try and gently encourage the ideas she does come up with though.

Even better still! It's important she sees that whenever she plans to do something, it happens, as opposed to just being an out of reach dream. I wish you all the best with this!

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I know you intended for your post to be constructive and helpful but I fear you have underestimated both the mentality of the person concerned and the task at hand.

Thank you for your opinion, but whether I have underestimated the situation or not, and whether any of these ideas are partially or fully feasible is up to Newy to decide. She asked for advice and experiences and these are the suggestions that I have for her, taken from tried and tested experience. It's up to her to implement them or not, in whatever manner she deems most appropriate.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I'd say that unless the hoarder directly asks for help (and as Jojo mentions, every last useless bit of crap will be argued over and justified ad nauseam anyway) the safest, most sane thing to do is to leave well alone.

That might be the easier route, but the reality is that if she doesn't step in, her parents will probably live like this for the rest of their lives, and it is not a safe nor healthy way to live. Their lives could be so much better.

securityguy

Gold_Dust wrote: »

That might be the easier route, but the reality is that if she doesn't step in, her parents will probably live like this for the rest of their lives, and it is not a safe nor healthy way to live. Their lives could be so much better.

But that's their decision. If you pop over Mumsnet, you'll find endless, endless accounts of people whose mother-in-laws (usually) won't stop letting themselves in, doing some tidying and so on, because the MIL doesn't think the wife is looking after their son properly. The usual Mumsnet posse, not noted for being backward at coming forward, then piles in with how clearly unreasonable the MIL is. I've seen similar, albeit slightly less ranty, threads here. On this occasion, they're absolutely right: it is not "helpful" to go into other people's houses uninvited and rearrange their stuff, it's just plain rude.

Up to the point at which they are sectioned, people are perfectly entitled to live how they want. They might not live the way that you do, but that's none of your business. If they're asking for help with things that are caused by their choices, then you can say words to the effect of "I told you so". But just because other people live in ways that you don't think are optimal, having a set of keys to the house does not entitle you to interfere.