Dealing with and helping hoarding parents...

Newy

Growing up our house was never tidy or clean. There was 'stuff' everywhere and housework was never a strong point... my friends used to ask why my Mum couldn't keep it tidy then their parents worked full time and could, my brother used to pretend the bathroom light didn't work so his friends didn't have to see the state of it. We moved house before my teenage years, which was great and a fresh start however after I flew the nest (last to go) the current house has steadily headed the same way.

My Mum wasn't brought up in a house where housework was particularly relevant and that rubbed off, she will take the hoover around however it's half hearted and she seems almost blind to the jobs which actually need doing. I understand that, as I was the same when I first moved out but she doesn't seem willing to learn, and I think there's an essence of laziness in there. Simple things like throwing out food from the fridge that have clearly gone off just don't happen and posessions have bizarre little homes which make NO sense to anybody else.

The kitchen cupboards are full to the point where there is a wall of food when you open them, and the worktops have become storage - you have to clear a space for a chopping board. My mum retired early and a lot purchases are impulsive and likely down to boredom, she buys million of cookbooks and exotic ingredients but rarely cooks from scratch. They've lived in the house for over a decade but never redecorated some of the rooms, repairs are only carrier out in absolutely essential and workmen are a last resort.

I don't get to visit very often due to living so far away but when I do I feel like I need to do things around the house, which usually ends in bickering and arguments. My dad still works fulltime and doesn't have any more motivation than my mum, both seem content living how they are. My parents are massive creatures of habit and change is avoided at all cost, but their house isn't going to be suitable for them in real old age and I feel like if things are kept on top of then it's only going to make it so much harder when they do eventually need to move - which is why I don't feel like I can just leave them to live amongst it. I have 1 sibling in utter agreement that something has to change and 1 who is very similar to my mum and is blissfully unaware there is a problem.

Does anybody have any helpful advice or experiences that may help please?

BitterAndTwisted

There's a "Hoarding" thread over on the Old-Style part of the forum which I think you might find interesting and helpful.


This sort of hoarding and carelessness can be deeply psychological and not very easy to resolve even if you did choose to become involved. Quite frankly, unless and until your parent acknowledge that it's a problem and ask for your help I'd leave them to get on with it. Interfering could make your relationship with them extremely difficult and damaging.

balletshoes

you're probably not going to like my advice - because in a nutshell, its that your parents are adults, and currently in a house that suits them, clutter and all.

My mum is the same, her surfaces are very cluttered, all the time. Theres no point having a go at her about it, my sister occasionally tries it and gets a flea in her ear for her trouble. I can put up with the clutter in the living room, because its not filth, its clutter. In the kitchen, my other sister and I, when we're visiting, offer to do the dishes and then clear up all the counters while we're at it.

I think you need to stop having a go at your parents when you visit about the state of their house.

Annisele

The NHS suggests trying to persuade the hoarder to go to their GP (see this page) - but if they're happy how they are, it's hard to see how you'd persuade them to go.

Other than that, I think all you can really do is let them get on with it. You can't change them, so making a fuss about is is just likely to upset your relationship with them.

Brighton_belle

It is tough to see those you love living like this but you won't be able to help them at all until they want to change.
Your concerns for their future are valid, but I am afraid there is nothing you can do about it. They are adults and they are making choices for their life. You will just cause discord and distrust by going on at them.
Hording (as opposed to just having too much stuff) often can have a deep seated psychological component too - every single thing they hang on too will have been imbued with huge meaning.

Newy

Thank you for the replies.

I absolutely see what you are all coming from and that it's doing no harm within reason. It's just so frustrating watching them allow the asset they've worked so hard for to just fall into disrepair and get lost amongst stuff. I just wish there was some way I could show them I genuinely want to help get things orderly and clean up a bit to help keep their house in a reasonable condition, not just throw everything out and argue. They just seem incapable of talking about it properly which is sad, as I know there are likely issues there causing it.

I will check out the hoarding thread, thanks for link.

whitewing

Did you have a sibling that died, or close relative that died unexpectedly? There is often a profound, unresolved loss or deep sadness that the hoarder is failing to cope with. Beginning to understand that may help you understand why it isn't a simple case of chucking stuff out.

Do check out the dehoarding thread - we'd love to have you.

Brighton_belle

Newy wrote: »

Thank you for the replies.

I absolutely see what you are all coming from and that it's doing no harm within reason. It's just so frustrating watching them allow the asset they've worked so hard for to just fall into disrepair and get lost amongst stuff.

I will check out the hoarding thread, thanks for link.

Your desire to help is out of love and concern, which is a good thing. It is really tough for you, I agree. It is also very hard to understand the horder mind set when your own is so different.


Have a look at this website set up by Jasmine Harman who did a prog on tv about her horder mum and their relationship and how it affected it. You may find some help here:
http://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/

mummyroysof3

Do they ever go on holiday? Could you do a bit then. Is it because they like it like that or that they ust don't know where to start sorting it ? Can you offer to make drinks while there then bag up out of date food and bin it while you In the kitchen etc

krustylouise

Sorry but this thread is all too similar to the other troll thread about an abundance of toys!!! I have no faith at the moment!

Newy

I'm not a troll, sadly. I've actually been a member and regular poster for some years on the forums. I just decided to make a separate account to post something which I feel is a little more personal. If you don't have any faith in my post then please leave it for others who do.

mummyroyof3, they're not holiday go-ers at all. A trip to visit us once a year is all they will have. Because of distance, travel/cost and annual leave I only get to go to theirs a handful of times a year which isn't ideal but all I can manage at the moment.

I think they do know there's a problem they just don't/can't address it, and wouldn't know where to start if they did.

I'll definitely check out Jasmine's website, I vaguely remember watching the program when it was on too.