Dealing with and helping hoarding parents...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Newy wrote: »

Wow. I'm quite taken about that you have jumped to the very rude conclusion that I want to help my parents because I'm scheming to increase the amount of inheritance I get. It has got absolutely nothing to do with that. My reason for mentioning the house being an asset is because when they do eventually move they'll need to be able to afford a suitable house or to pay for good quality care for themselves in the future and I want them to be able to sell their house for what they think it's worth, which isn't what they'd get with how it currently is. Please take your rude and unhelpful replies to somebody else's thread.

It's a likely response from any hoarder. Don't expect gratitude, expect exactly the same from them.

LegalBlonde

Newy wrote: »

Legal Blonde, I get what you mean. I think when you grow up all you know if how it was during childhood so to have to learn to change your mindset and 'see' these things is really difficult. There's many household chores I wasn't even all that aware of until I had my own house to look after and my other half made me more aware of them.

PlutoinCapricorn, thanks for the links I'll have a good read. I had no idea such organisations existed.

Definitely, that and cooking in my case. Makes you wonder what some people did with all their time. Even as recently as a few weeks ago when I had to borrow a friend's washing machine as ours was broken down, I came home marvelling at how capsules, decent fabric softener and a temperature higher than the lowest the machine will possibly allow actually brings the clothes up really nice! :rotfl:

dragonette

On the OldStyle board atm there is the hoarding thread Whitewing already mentioned. Its on part 3 now, but I'd suggest searching for and reading the start of part 1.

Jojo, I hope you know how people those threads have helped and are still helping

Ms_Chocaholic

securityguy wrote: »

They sound a bit young for their children to be already scheming to maximise "their" inheritance, don't they?

If my adult children started wanting me to live differently in order to [STRIKE]increase the size of my estate[/STRIKE] make them happier, I suspect I'd tell them to get stuffed. Vultures.

I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination but my OH is a hoarder, not of epic proportions and the house is quite orderly, it's cupboards and the garage and shed that are full of stuff.

I keep saying to my OH that we must get rid of all this stuff that we don't need or want and very slowly we are, even though I'm fairly young still I would hate for my children to have to spend hours and hours de-cluttering especially as they may not know what half of the stuff is!

mummyroysof3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Sadly, that would probably result in the hoarders going ballistic, sometimes to the point of violence or reporting the tidiers to the police for theft, cutting off contact or forever accusing them of being untrustworthy. Oh, and buying/scavenging double the amount of stuff to replace the much mourned and totally priceless/irreplaceable 'stuff'.

My mother obsessed about a video I wouldn't have dreamt of watching. Obsessed as in years later, I was still accused of having stolen it because I'd once chucked away three lumps of green mush that used to be gammon in the number 3 fridge. She'd make nasty comments and insist on seeing inside my handbag when I left every time. The last time I was there, it was found down the back of freezer 2. After spending five hours clearing a four foot by five foot patch trying to get to the back door so she had an exit point in case of fire. I was informed that it wasn't the same video, it was another one because the cover wasn't the same (as it had faded in the intervening years from being against the heat exchange thing). So I know she'll still be telling her friends (who privately say she is sick, but are too scared of her reaction to suggest she gets help) that I've stolen from her.

The Stuff is more important than anything else. If it's cleaned/cleared whilst on holiday, they'll never go on holiday again. If it's done whilst in hospital, they won't seek medical treatment next time.

Your choice is to ignore it and maintain a relationship where it is never mentioned again, or risk finding out how much more important the stuff is to them rather than you.

didn't mean do it behind their backs but rather if they want it cleared but can't do it there's elves but would be happy for someone else to clear the decks to give them a clean slate to start on.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

dragonette wrote: »

On the OldStyle board atm there is the hoarding thread Whitewing already mentioned. Its on part 3 now, but I'd suggest searching for and reading the start of part 1.

Jojo, I hope you know how people those threads have helped and are still helping

Thank you!

I've stayed off it because, well, I don't think I need to be there now it's taken on a life of its own with everybody supporting each other - they're people who want to change - unlike those who Just Don't Want To.


But I still think about the people on the thread and hope those who managed to clear the Stuff are still enjoying how much easier and cleaner life can be.



Oh, and there are links to part one and two on the part three opening post.

No point making extra work by having to search for something that's 'here somewhere'

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination but my OH is a hoarder, not of epic proportions and the house is quite orderly, it's cupboards and the garage and shed that are full of stuff.

I keep saying to my OH that we must get rid of all this stuff that we don't need or want and very slowly we are, even though I'm fairly young still I would hate for my children to have to spend hours and hours de-cluttering especially as they may not know what half of the stuff is!

Thing is, if there's that amount of stuff, they'll probably give up and skip the lot. I know that's what is going to happen to the mountains of stuff belonging to my mother.

I know there are a few items of old but cheap jewellery in a box in her dressing table, some vintage glassware in a cabinet, a letter from my father sent when I was born, in the bureau and a good quality wardrobe my grandmother gave her - everything else without exception is just going to be chucked without a second glance. Especially as it'll all have to be chucked in order to physically reach where the few things I've mentioned are trapped.

More stuff means it'll all be treated as junk - fewer things mean they'll be treated better.

Newy

Jojo, I can relate to the reaction you've pointed out with stuff being thrown out. When I still lived with them I cleared through one of the cupboards and threw out a lot of out of date store cupboard things and they did go ballistic. Partly because there was alot of recyclable packaging which I hadn't separated for recycling - which I didn't do because of the shear amount of liquid and sauces that would have to be disposed of from them.

My dad is more accepting of things being cleaned, however as soon as my Mum gets angsty about it he's had enough as he's always pampered to her a bit, even if he knows something is filthy he'd never tell her and he doesn't have the time or motivation to do it himself. If something rotten in the fridge is pointed out to my Mum she will agree for it to be thrown out and you will see a glimmer of embarrassment and an excuse like 'oh but I dont use that much so didn't realise' but she'd rather it sat there unnoticed than the issue of it be addressed, which is why I do think laziness is part of the problem. As time goes on she gets more stuck in her ways with it though.

What I don't understand is that she does make an effort to do things. For example if the dogs bring in muddy paw prints she'll start wiping the paw prints off the hard floor by hand with wipes, or going over a filthy carpet with a brush and dust pan - but seems so unaware of the bigger picture. Sometimes she texts me and will say that she's bored but them makes an excuse if I suggest something small that she could do. Other days she'll say that she isn't feeling motivate today and doesn't want to get washed or dressed. Sometimes the lack of general motivation is quite worrying, though she has a circle of friends and an active social life. There is also a massive problem with medical help, she won't take any medication, luckily she doesn't need any at the moment however likely will one day. And she won't visit the Dr. unless it's literally something unbearable, she says her doctors are useless but so are all the others so there's no point in trying those.

Obviously there are quite a few issues there, I just don't really know how to address any of them. It seems that the hoarding is one that I should maybe just grin and bear, within reason maybe.

Lara44

Hi Newy, I don't have any advice for dealing with "The Stuff" but you're right it is a good idea to keep the fabric of the building in good repair. If you have a sibling onside maybe you could play good-cop bad-cop? Your sibling could tell your Mum just how much you get out of helping when you come over and try to persuade her that by consenting to the repair she would be doing a kindness to you. It might give your parents a reason to re-set the power balance and allow them to accept your help.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Even she knows she can't attach significance to muddy dog prints. You can't own them. And if you vacuum properly, there's a risk that something important might be sucked up. Like a paper clip or bottle cap. :cool:



Rotten food is still 'things'. I suspect there's still tins from the 1970s in the larder; I couldn't get to it past the five foot by six foot by eight foot high mountain of stuff placed against the door and wall to find out. There was medication dating back to the early 1990s in the kitchen, though. Fortunately, there was a leaking bottle of *something* in the cupboard that *accidentally* leaked over all of it.

Every item she saw was urgently reclaimed with an 'oh, that's my...'



You can't fix it by being normal or telling a hoarder what they are doing isn't.

The NHS reckons that out of 100 people who approach their GP for help (get taken seriously AND referred on for treatment) about 45 will actually do something about it. That doesn't count the ones who wouldn't dream of telling the GP anything 'because they're all useless' - which actually means 'because they won't tell me what I want to hear'.


I sympathise. I really do - but for the sanity of anybody related to a hoarder, I have to say you have to protect yourself and let them get on with it, as, even if they say they'll do it if you help, they actually mean they won't let a professional help because they won't accept excuses, mock tears or aggression in the way a family member would.