notanotherbl**dydebtdiary by notanothergreyhair

skint_spice

notanothergreyhair wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not done too much today to be honest...naughty me Still, nice to see some sunshine at last.

Hi skint, how are you? I am in the third of four years...I'd rather not take on other work but I think needs must. I am looking at doing a medical trial though, that would help a great deal. I didn't realise that you are in Scotland...where are you?

Lovely and sunny here this afternoon too so have been out for a walk, sand in the contact lenses though is soooo painful. I'm in ayrshire nagh where it's usually blowing a gale and raining, still love it though.

The medical trial thing sounds so scary these days after the one that went so badly wrong and made the news. I had friends who did loads on their way through uni and seem to be fine but I'm sure you'll check it all out anyway (not that they did:o ).

notanothergreyhair

It has been a crazy time lately - far too much to fit into one post.

I have not made any progress debt-wise in a while and I am probably going back to see my GP about the return of the black cloud. I'd rather not go, but I think I ought to.

Anyway, to try and break from a rut, I'm going to work out another monster-sized life plan and see where that gets me. I have some spare hours this evening and lots of progress is going to be made. Although I do want to be debt free, I feel that it is just a part (albeit a large one) of improving the quality of my life.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. Will update again this evening.

scrooge2008

I have just read through your diary, and feel you have a very strong artistic, creative streak. Are you doing anything that will allow you to express this. I found the poem you wrote quite haunting and moving.

Loved the description of yourself as kind. That is something to be really proud of.

Think when you find your vocation things will start to fit into place. All the best.

notanothergreyhair

Hi scrooge. It is very kind of you to say such nice things...I'm not doing anything to express things really - only making the very occasional post on here. It might be something I ought to explore further though - it might help prevent me tying myself in knots over issues...a distraction, but a constructive one.

I have been working on something of a plan and I'm going to write out what might be a mammoth post fairly soon.

notanothergreyhair

You know something, I once kissed a girl...a real one, one who wasn't (and still isn't) part of my family. Actually, I kissed more than one girl. Each time it was ok, quite pleasant in fact, but not exciting; it didn't 'spark' something as I believed that it should. From that moment on I only kissed boys...their lips are less pleasant but are far more exciting. It could have been easy to carry on kissing girls, but it wasn't the right thing to do.

I could carry on being maudlin and stagnant, still in debt, and unhappy with 99% of my life...but it isn't the right thing to do.

I supposedly had a LBM before - clearly it was a phantom one. This isn't a LBM either...I haven't felt a great spark in me tonight (no jokes) and I'm not sure when I will. In many ways though I do not need one, in the sense that I am fully realising how much damage debt is doing/has done to my life and that I need to be rid of it. What I do need is to do something, and I'm not quite sure what. I really don't have any goals I want to achieve...I'm fortunate enough to be at uni but I'm not in a great position here - I keep doing fcuk all and could easily be prevented from progressing with my course. This would stimulate most persons into getting on and doing something - the fact is that I have little 'go' in me to get through that which I need to...add this to other constraints and I feel trapped.

I could quit uni and work FT and be debt-free in a year, but then I would have thrown away my opportunity at uni...that would just be silly.

I intended this post to be much longer but I'm feeling super tired and I think the tap is turning shut on my outpouring - I don't want it to be, it's just the way my brain works sometimes.

I am pretty sure that I am going to go to my GP and ask to return to the happy pills again...I'm also going to call in at the university counselling office and see if anyone has an ear they can lend me.

I have been without direction for about a decade now and it is just getting ridiculous...I really cannot go on abusing my body like I am and keep on running into corners to hide away. I do want to be happy and I'd love to be the hard-working, motivated, disciplined and relatively successful kid I was until I turned 15.

Sorry...

tigtag02

hey you

welcome to diary land

and having just read the ^^^ post DONT be sorry ~ we are here to listen.

notanothergreyhair

Thanks tigtag...

Today I was searching for some info on this site and a post of yours came up (I'm pretty sure it was yours) and it contained the word 'minge'

It cheered me up no end.

tigtag02

notanothergreyhair wrote: »

Thanks tigtag...

Today I was searching for some info on this site and a post of yours came up (I'm pretty sure it was yours) and it contained the word 'minge'

It cheered me up no end.

I refuse to take the blame for *minge * :eek: :eek:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

notanothergreyhair

tigtag02 wrote: »

I refuse to take the blame for *minge * :eek: :eek:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

*ahem*

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.html?p=9713429&postcount=104

Bunnyinthelights

Good morning NAGH,
I love your diary.
Keep posting and keep making me laugh x x x