We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Huge mother rant (long sorry)
aileth
Posts: 2,822 Forumite
Hi all,
I've posted threads before about my mother, that her mental health isn't the best (She's undiagnosed, refuses to believe anything is wrong with her and refuses point blank to ever see a Doctor) and that she is an alcoholic. When she doesn't drink, she's generally fine, but woe betide you if you are around her after she's had some.
We live 60 miles away from each other, see her perhaps once a month or so. Recently she has been text messaging me things to which I just don't know how to react, which I can only assume she has sent in drink. I've just been ignoring them, but if I don't respond I get bombarded with, "Why are you ignoring me?" Or she'll say nothing but bring it up when I next see her.
The latest one is that she wanted me to watch The Taste 'with her', aka watching it at the same time and text each other comments about it, I told her I was busy (I had done it with her last week, I prefer to watch it without having my phone with me, but thought best to avoid trouble), that I was recording it, and I get an abrupt text message about how we have no 'mother and daughter time.' I'm not sure how watching the same TV show 60 miles away constitutes mother and daughter time, or why she is having a go at me about it, as when we visit her she spends 99% of her time not even in the same room as us, on her computer on Facebook games or absorbed in candy crush on her phone and probably says a paragraph worth to me over the course of a weekend.
I have to say, thinking about it, most of the things she does message me seem to be inferring that I'm not being a very nice person.
For Christmas I cooked a lot of things new that I really wanted to try. She is an on-off meat eater, one week she will eat meat, next she won't etc... I made some things with meat in, but a vegetarian pasta salad just in case, and I had phone calls and text messages that I 'better make sure' I do something vegetarian. My dad triple checked with me I was doing something veggie otherwise, in his words, 'it'll all kick off.'
She tried some of the meat (pork) items I did, even though she's apparently converting to Muslim and learning Arabic. She apparently has a Muslim internet friend and she 'doesn't want to disappoint him' and even did Ramadan - he is the biggest cause of problems in our family, and she is basically having an emotional affair with this man, who is about 40 years younger than her.
If she says anything nasty to me and I either ignore her or retort, what follows is gigantic nuclear aftermath, where I have my dad and sister constantly texting and ringing me, pleading me to apologise (when most of the time what she has said comes completely out of the blue) even though they both say it's not my fault, as if I don't they will live in hell.
The last time things kicked off big time, she drunk about two bottles of wine and half a bottle of gin, destroyed some things in the house apparently, threw things, then stormed off to a local hotel to drink more, before paying for a night at a B&B.
She works only about 20 hours a week, complains non-stop about how tired she is to my sister, who often works 12-13 hour days. She is not old or frail or easily tired by any means and has been working this about for probably the last 25 years.
Whenever we raise anything with her, she constantly talks about herself, how no one cares for her, how she does everything for the family (she does nothing apart from sit in front of the TV and PC and drink), she has got them into tens of thousands of debt trying to live an unattainable lifestyle, and now my dad is dealing with things and paying them off, she is now attempting to 'load up' the credit cards once again as she sees free money to spend, (e.g. £2,900 on a £3,000 credit card, great £100 to spend)
On top of all this, she seems to be getting fairly bad memory problems. My sister was telling me that she asked my sister the date, she was told, then 30 seconds later she came back in the room, asked again, my sister said she had already told her and apparently she completely blew up. This is commonplace now apparently.
Phew, a lot to get off my chest. Has anyone had any dealings with something this? I'm sorry there's so much text, but this isn't particularly straightforward.
TL:DR Alcoholic mother causing problems, might have mental health issues, memory issues, refuses to go to the Doctor or accept she has any problems, getting worse and causing serious rifts. Is there anything I can do?
I've posted threads before about my mother, that her mental health isn't the best (She's undiagnosed, refuses to believe anything is wrong with her and refuses point blank to ever see a Doctor) and that she is an alcoholic. When she doesn't drink, she's generally fine, but woe betide you if you are around her after she's had some.
We live 60 miles away from each other, see her perhaps once a month or so. Recently she has been text messaging me things to which I just don't know how to react, which I can only assume she has sent in drink. I've just been ignoring them, but if I don't respond I get bombarded with, "Why are you ignoring me?" Or she'll say nothing but bring it up when I next see her.
The latest one is that she wanted me to watch The Taste 'with her', aka watching it at the same time and text each other comments about it, I told her I was busy (I had done it with her last week, I prefer to watch it without having my phone with me, but thought best to avoid trouble), that I was recording it, and I get an abrupt text message about how we have no 'mother and daughter time.' I'm not sure how watching the same TV show 60 miles away constitutes mother and daughter time, or why she is having a go at me about it, as when we visit her she spends 99% of her time not even in the same room as us, on her computer on Facebook games or absorbed in candy crush on her phone and probably says a paragraph worth to me over the course of a weekend.
I have to say, thinking about it, most of the things she does message me seem to be inferring that I'm not being a very nice person.
For Christmas I cooked a lot of things new that I really wanted to try. She is an on-off meat eater, one week she will eat meat, next she won't etc... I made some things with meat in, but a vegetarian pasta salad just in case, and I had phone calls and text messages that I 'better make sure' I do something vegetarian. My dad triple checked with me I was doing something veggie otherwise, in his words, 'it'll all kick off.'
She tried some of the meat (pork) items I did, even though she's apparently converting to Muslim and learning Arabic. She apparently has a Muslim internet friend and she 'doesn't want to disappoint him' and even did Ramadan - he is the biggest cause of problems in our family, and she is basically having an emotional affair with this man, who is about 40 years younger than her.
If she says anything nasty to me and I either ignore her or retort, what follows is gigantic nuclear aftermath, where I have my dad and sister constantly texting and ringing me, pleading me to apologise (when most of the time what she has said comes completely out of the blue) even though they both say it's not my fault, as if I don't they will live in hell.
The last time things kicked off big time, she drunk about two bottles of wine and half a bottle of gin, destroyed some things in the house apparently, threw things, then stormed off to a local hotel to drink more, before paying for a night at a B&B.
She works only about 20 hours a week, complains non-stop about how tired she is to my sister, who often works 12-13 hour days. She is not old or frail or easily tired by any means and has been working this about for probably the last 25 years.
Whenever we raise anything with her, she constantly talks about herself, how no one cares for her, how she does everything for the family (she does nothing apart from sit in front of the TV and PC and drink), she has got them into tens of thousands of debt trying to live an unattainable lifestyle, and now my dad is dealing with things and paying them off, she is now attempting to 'load up' the credit cards once again as she sees free money to spend, (e.g. £2,900 on a £3,000 credit card, great £100 to spend)
On top of all this, she seems to be getting fairly bad memory problems. My sister was telling me that she asked my sister the date, she was told, then 30 seconds later she came back in the room, asked again, my sister said she had already told her and apparently she completely blew up. This is commonplace now apparently.
Phew, a lot to get off my chest. Has anyone had any dealings with something this? I'm sorry there's so much text, but this isn't particularly straightforward.
TL:DR Alcoholic mother causing problems, might have mental health issues, memory issues, refuses to go to the Doctor or accept she has any problems, getting worse and causing serious rifts. Is there anything I can do?
0
Comments
-
Hi all,
I've posted threads before about my mother, that her mental health isn't the best (She's undiagnosed, refuses to believe anything is wrong with her and refuses point blank to ever see a Doctor) and that she is an alcoholic. When she doesn't drink, she's generally fine, but woe betide you if you are around her after she's had some.
We live 60 miles away from each other, see her perhaps once a month or so. Recently she has been text messaging me things to which I just don't know how to react, which I can only assume she has sent in drink. I've just been ignoring them, but if I don't respond I get bombarded with, "Why are you ignoring me?" Or she'll say nothing but bring it up when I next see her.
The latest one is that she wanted me to watch The Taste 'with her', aka watching it at the same time and text each other comments about it, I told her I was busy (I had done it with her last week, I prefer to watch it without having my phone with me, but thought best to avoid trouble), that I was recording it, and I get an abrupt text message about how we have no 'mother and daughter time.' I'm not sure how watching the same TV show 60 miles away constitutes mother and daughter time, or why she is having a go at me about it, as when we visit her she spends 99% of her time not even in the same room as us, on her computer on Facebook games or absorbed in candy crush on her phone and probably says a paragraph worth to me over the course of a weekend.
I have to say, thinking about it, most of the things she does message me seem to be inferring that I'm not being a very nice person.
For Christmas I cooked a lot of things new that I really wanted to try. She is an on-off meat eater, one week she will eat meat, next she won't etc... I made some things with meat in, but a vegetarian pasta salad just in case, and I had phone calls and text messages that I 'better make sure' I do something vegetarian. My dad triple checked with me I was doing something veggie otherwise, in his words, 'it'll all kick off.'
She tried some of the meat (pork) items I did, even though she's apparently converting to Muslim and learning Arabic. She apparently has a Muslim internet friend and she 'doesn't want to disappoint him' and even did Ramadan - he is the biggest cause of problems in our family, and she is basically having an emotional affair with this man, who is about 40 years younger than her.
If she says anything nasty to me and I either ignore her or retort, what follows is gigantic nuclear aftermath, where I have my dad and sister constantly texting and ringing me, pleading me to apologise (when most of the time what she has said comes completely out of the blue) even though they both say it's not my fault, as if I don't they will live in hell.
The last time things kicked off big time, she drunk about two bottles of wine and half a bottle of gin, destroyed some things in the house apparently, threw things, then stormed off to a local hotel to drink more, before paying for a night at a B&B.
She works only about 20 hours a week, complains non-stop about how tired she is to my sister, who often works 12-13 hour days. She is not old or frail or easily tired by any means and has been working this about for probably the last 25 years.
Whenever we raise anything with her, she constantly talks about herself, how no one cares for her, how she does everything for the family (she does nothing apart from sit in front of the TV and PC and drink), she has got them into tens of thousands of debt trying to live an unattainable lifestyle, and now my dad is dealing with things and paying them off, she is now attempting to 'load up' the credit cards once again as she sees free money to spend, (e.g. £2,900 on a £3,000 credit card, great £100 to spend)
On top of all this, she seems to be getting fairly bad memory problems. My sister was telling me that she asked my sister the date, she was told, then 30 seconds later she came back in the room, asked again, my sister said she had already told her and apparently she completely blew up. This is commonplace now apparently.
Phew, a lot to get off my chest. Has anyone had any dealings with something this? I'm sorry there's so much text, but this isn't particularly straightforward.
TL:DR Alcoholic mother causing problems, might have mental health issues, memory issues, refuses to go to the Doctor or accept she has any problems, getting worse and causing serious rifts. Is there anything I can do?
Oh heck poppet, I've no idea what to say, but (((hugs)))
If you search for Happy Haddocks thread on 'I don't like my mother' you may get some answers there.
I'll try find the link.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175Please be nice to all moneysavers!
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
Big big thanks to Niddy, sorely missed from these boards..best cybersupport ever!!0 -
No, not really. I know it must be tough watching someone self destruct but the person who should be dealing with this is your father, not you. You have your own life and you have enough on your plate and thats clear from some of the other threads youve started.
If my mum pushed the self destruct button I would try and help, but theres no father in my life. Your mum has support. Its how your dad steps up to the plate that matters. The credit cards should be cut up, not giving her access to them. I appreciate if she doesnt want to take steps to change her lifestyle theres probably little that your father can do but hes married to her, none of this is anything to do with you, hes the person who sees her day to day and if he cant deal with it he needs to try and find a support group where he can go and offload and get some practical help to deal with your mums depression and alcohol issues.
I do have experience of mental health issues within my family, a family member of mine was also undiagnosed but was probably schizophrenic, its very hard telling someone who thinks theres nothing wrong with them to see a GP, unfortunately a lot of people only get help when they get sectioned and if they arent displaying enough signs that they really do need to be detained, a lot of people fall through every safety net going.
What I do think though, that you could do with some counselling to see where you need to draw lines and boundaries and get what it is you need to talk about off your chest. Because youve had issues with your husband, now your mum, your sister and dad are bending your ear.
Where does it all stop. Some people care and are natural fixers, Id probably put myself in that category as well, my family are fine, but I do think you need to realise that if you text your dad and say please stop putting all of this on my shoulders, I'll try and support you to get some help and advice but I dont want to be texted all day every day about this.
And no one should be bullied into making someone a certain type of meal that you dont even know they will eat as they might kick off, ridiculous.0 -
[QUOTE]TL:DR Alcoholic mother causing problems, might have mental health issues, memory issues, refuses to go to the Doctor or accept she has any problems, getting worse and causing serious rifts. Is there anything I can do?[/QUOTE]
Have a face to face with your dad? His life must be hell on earth..................
....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)0 -
I forgot to add as well, she has invited herself over this week, basically, "We are coming round Friday." No discussion whether we are busy, nothing, no, "We'd like to see you soon, can we come round some time?" Just simply invited herself on a day suitable for her, and I know if I replied saying we were it'd be like a nuke.
She knows money is very tight for us this month, I told her so after she had invited herself around, and it's only then she agreed they'd bring something... but then we still have to buy booze, because a) if we didn't have any there'd be trouble, or b) she'd huff and puff and go to the shop herself for it.
We took my dad on holiday recently to get away from it all, she realised from my sister that I had an EU phone package and within 24 hours I was being asked to knock on my dad's hotel room door every five minutes to sort out arguments between them, which was completely not the point of taking him.
Rant!!0 -
And no one should be bullied into making someone a certain type of meal that you dont even know they will eat as they might kick off, ridiculous.
I agree it is ridiculous, but it's sometimes a lot easier to go with it than endure the fallout. I had to do it for years, & with everything else going on, my own problems & severe ill health, I didn't have the energy to fight back (not physically fight, just can't think of a better description at the moment.)Please be nice to all moneysavers!
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
Big big thanks to Niddy, sorely missed from these boards..best cybersupport ever!!0 -
Your father and sister are also giving you no support when your mum is nasty to you. Its all about them and yes it must be awful living with someone who deals with life by kicking off all the time, but they are putting you in a terrible position, youve to be bullied by your mum and even if shes in the wrong you've to say sorry even though shes being out of order.
How about your dad telling your mum that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. And the emotional affair with the Muslim man, does your dad know about this too?0 -
[QUOTE]TL:DR Alcoholic mother causing problems, might have mental health issues, memory issues, refuses to go to the Doctor or accept she has any problems, getting worse and causing serious rifts. Is there anything I can do?[/QUOTE]
Have a face to face with your dad? His life must be hell on earth.
Yep, I feel so incredibly sorry for my dad. We took him away to a country she would NEVER visit as he's always wanted to go, we knew he was having a hard time. I knew she wouldn't want to go, but just in case I triple and quadruple checked she didn't want to go, no, no, she definitely didn't.
Two weeks before she went, I was guilt-tripped within an inch of my life, "I wish I was coming *sigh*", basically like she was waiting for me to say, "Well it's your lucky day because I've paid an extra £800 last minute to bring you too!"
When we were away, he was the most candid he has ever been with us. I know he feels he can't when he's at home. He is incredibly worried about her and has tried broaching the subject with her and asking advice from others, but simply hits a brick wall and feels helpless.0 -
I forgot to add as well, she has invited herself over this week, basically, "We are coming round Friday." No discussion whether we are busy, nothing, no, "We'd like to see you soon, can we come round some time?" Just simply invited herself on a day suitable for her, and I know if I replied saying we were it'd be like a nuke.
She knows money is very tight for us this month, I told her so after she had invited herself around, and it's only then she agreed they'd bring something... but then we still have to buy booze, because a) if we didn't have any there'd be trouble, or b) she'd huff and puff and go to the shop herself for it.
We took my dad on holiday recently to get away from it all, she realised from my sister that I had an EU phone package and within 24 hours I was being asked to knock on my dad's hotel room door every five minutes to sort out arguments between them, which was completely not the point of taking him.
Rant!!
You are 60 miles away, your phone needs to go off at some point, that might not be ideal but you have to take some kind of control back and the same on holiday, any grief, phone off.
Dont put up with it.0 -
Your father and sister are also giving you no support when your mum is nasty to you. Its all about them and yes it must be awful living with someone who deals with life by kicking off all the time, but they are putting you in a terrible position, youve to be bullied by your mum and even if shes in the wrong you've to say sorry even though shes being out of order.
How about your dad telling your mum that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. And the emotional affair with the Muslim man, does your dad know about this too?
Dad has told her this after he plucked up the courage after a whiskey (he barely drinks) and that's when she left the home to go to the B&B for one night.
He knows all about the emotional affair and it utterly destroys him. In fact, she has even been to meet this man twice, both times making my dad go with her (Yes, I know he's a grown adult, but she is very difficult to refuse unless you want WW3).
The Muslim fella is apparently coming to visit them this month and she has made my dad repaint and retile the whole kitchen as she wants to 'make a good impression.'0 -
I forgot to add as well, she has invited herself over this week, basically, "We are coming round Friday." No discussion whether we are busy, nothing, no, "We'd like to see you soon, can we come round some time?" Just simply invited herself on a day suitable for her, and I know if I replied saying we were it'd be like a nuke.
She knows money is very tight for us this month, I told her so after she had invited herself around, and it's only then she agreed they'd bring something... but then we still have to buy booze, because a) if we didn't have any there'd be trouble, or b) she'd huff and puff and go to the shop herself for it.
ah yes, the damned if you do, damned if you don't effect!
We took my dad on holiday recently to get away from it all, she realised from my sister that I had an EU phone package and within 24 hours I was being asked to knock on my dad's hotel room door every five minutes to sort out arguments between them, which was completely not the point of taking him.
Rant!!
If it helps in any shape of form, rant away on here!
Ps: I've added the link above. XPlease be nice to all moneysavers!
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
Big big thanks to Niddy, sorely missed from these boards..best cybersupport ever!!0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.2K Spending & Discounts
- 245.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 600.7K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.5K Life & Family
- 258.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards