Huge mother rant (long sorry)

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Dad has told her this after he plucked up the courage after a whiskey (he barely drinks) and that's when she left the home to go to the B&B for one night.

He knows all about the emotional affair and it utterly destroys him. In fact, she has even been to meet this man twice, both times making my dad go with her (Yes, I know he's a grown adult, but she is very difficult to refuse unless you want WW3).

The Muslim fella is apparently coming to visit them this month and she has made my dad repaint and retile the whole kitchen as she wants to 'make a good impression.'

Your dad really needs to get some courage from somewhere and tell her something along the lines of, this stops or our marriage is in trouble. Shes wiping her feet all over him and hes allowing it.

Shes having an emotional affair, hes been with her twice when shes met him and hes repainting and retiling the kitchen as she wants to make a good impression

I actually cant believe what I just read. Your dad is suffering but so are you and your sister because your dad wont take control of the situation.

aileth

paulineb wrote: »

Your dad really needs to get some courage from somewhere and tell her something along the lines of, this stops or our marriage is in trouble. Shes wiping her feet all over him and hes allowing it.

Shes having an emotional affair, hes been with her twice when shes met him and hes repainting and retiling the kitchen as she wants to make a good impression

I actually cant believe what I just read. Your dad is suffering but so are you and your sister because your dad wont take control of the situation.

I absolutely and totally agree. He has told her on various arguments about the fact that if she continues the marriage is over. She knows these are empty threats.

He said to us himself on holiday that if he were to die tomorrow, she wouldn't know how much the rent is, bills, she wouldn't know anything about their living situation, he has tried to tell her but she isn't interested because 'he's the man of the house and it's his problem.' He said that is one of his biggest worries, that when he goes she will have no chance.

He also said to us that he has thought many times about leaving her, but know that she would absolutely fall to pieces and be completely unable to cope, would probably actually kill herself if he did, or be sectioned, and that he simply can't bear the thought of doing this to her, because even though she's a completely different person now and all the things she's done to him, he does still love her, and that even if he did leave he would end up having to support her regardless and might as well still be married to her. He would not be able to have a fresh start, clean slate.

pebbles88

paulineb wrote: »

Your dad really needs to get some courage from somewhere and tell her something along the lines of, this stops or our marriage is in trouble. Shes wiping her feet all over him and hes allowing it.

Shes having an emotional affair, hes been with her twice when shes met him and hes repainting and retiling the kitchen as she wants to make a good impression

I actually cant believe what I just read. Your dad is suffering but so are you and your sister because your dad wont take control of the situation.

Unfortunately, it's very true, and is happening for many more people than you can imagine. It's never just as black & white as telling them to stop behaving that way, & the people that act like this, 'need' the attention' it's what people with narcissistic personalities crave.

Aileth: I'm sorry for using the word narcissistic, didn't mean it offensively, I just can sympathise with your situation & pain. Pm me if you need to, anytime xxx

pebbles88

aileth wrote: »

I absolutely and totally agree. He has told her on various arguments about the fact that if she continues the marriage is over. She knows these are empty threats.

He said to us himself on holiday that if he were to die tomorrow, she wouldn't know how much the rent is, bills, she wouldn't know anything about their living situation, he has tried to tell her but she isn't interested because 'he's the man of the house and it's his problem.' He said that is one of his biggest worries, that when he goes she will have no chance.

He also said to us that he has thought many times about leaving her, but know that she would absolutely fall to pieces and be completely unable to cope, would probably actually kill herself if he did, or be sectioned, and that he simply can't bear the thought of doing this to her, because even though she's a completely different person now and all the things she's done to him, he does still love her, and that even if he did leave he would end up having to support her regardless and might as well still be married to her. He would not be able to have a fresh start, clean slate.

Oh Aileth, that must have been really hard for him to admit, & also for you to hear.

paulineb_2

pebbles88 wrote: »

Unfortunately, it's very true, and is happening for many more people than you can imagine. It's never just as black & white as telling them to stop behaving that way, & the people that act like this, 'need' the attention' it's what people with narcissistic personalities crave.

Aileth: I'm sorry for using the word narcissistic, didn't mean it offensively, I just can sympathise with your situation & pain. Pm me if you need to, anytime xxx

I dont have experience of people with narcissistic personality issues, Ive dealt with people in a professional capacity who have borderline personality disorder and other severe disorders and I know its not easy and I bet its not as black and white as telling people to stop acting like that. And I dont know that thats what the OPs mum is, Ive no idea on that one. I have a healthy relationship with my mum but I do know what its like to have someone in my family who had a severe undiagnosed mental health issue and I worked in a professional capacity with people with addictions and mental health issues for a long time, some people had both issues, some people had several, I know its hard and Im not just trying to say, tell the dad to get her told, but he has to do something.

Hes not doing anything, not only is he enabling this womans behaviour hes allowing her to behave in a nasty way to her daughter and I suspect both her daughters and indeed himself because its not worth the life hed have if he actually confronted her. And I bet hes locked into the marriage because she wouldnt cope without him so on she goes causing carnage wherever she goes

I would think the entire family need professional help and soon and if she doesnt want to engage with it fine, but they need to try and develop coping strategies that will help them and in the dads case, maybe make some decisions about whether he can carry on existing in a marriage and home life thats so dysfunctional.

I may not have expressed everything I truly want to in a couple of posts, I can only call it as I see it and the way I see it is, they need help, the mum does but if she wont take it, the rest of the family should get some support and soon.

Or you'll be dealing with her for another, ten, twenty or more years, you know exactly what will be in front of you if nothing changes.

Errata

She's not going to change her behaviour until all of you stand up to her and until you do you're simply enabling her to behave the way she does.

paulineb_2

Oh and youve been dealing with some stuff in your marriage, all this with your mum and the stuff with your MIL and husband.

Take time out now before you have a breakdown, there is only so much stress people can place on you before you end unwell yourself.

aileth

Errata wrote: »

She's not going to change her behaviour until all of you stand up to her and until you do you're simply enabling her to behave the way she does.

Unfortunately we have all stood up against her and it resulted in possibly the worst two weeks of my life. Unfortunately I feel in the main her behaviour is more down to her mental health rather than narcissism although I'm sure that's a factor, but she refuses to see anyone, and as bad as it sounds we've all just been letting it pass over our heads as it means an easy life, I'm a big offender for it as I have a lot to deal with recently, I feel terrible for admitting it, but I'm not sure what we can do if she won't see anyone? Fair enough if she went up the doctor and they said she's mentally fit and well, then I would definitely put the boot in, but we all think there must be something and its hard to be really blunt with her while thinking its not 'her' if that makes sense

securityguy

aileth wrote: »

Unfortunately we have all stood up against her and it resulted in possibly the worst two weeks of my life.

How so? Surely if you live 60 miles away, all you need to do is stop answering her phone calls?

aileth

She is a completely and utterly different person to who she was maybe 7-8 years ago and slowly over the time it's come to this, I should add