OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

moneyistooshorttomention

In my case = still tearful and scared that I have "concrete evidence" that I'm not "cared for" by my mother as much as she cares for my brother.

That's a fact I've always strongly suspected, but I feel rather betrayed by my father (who I thought did care for me...but am now wondering obviously). I understand some of whats going on...maybe not all of it...but that is painful (ie I had always assumed my father loved me, at any rate, but now I'm wondering and that does hurt...even at my age).

Oh well...it is what it is...whatever that happens to be.

I am reminding myself very firmly that "Into each life some Sh*t happens" and I doubt many get off scott-free from stuff like that. Oh for a charmed life eh?:rotfl:

Kicks self up butt and thinks "Whatever it is...some people get it worse...it is what it is and I have to deal with it as best I can whatever-it-is".

So my own thought for myself, that others might find helpful is@

http://bellenoirmag.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/bloom-where-youre-planted.html

It could be a heck of a sight worse if I even thought differently to what I personally do. I personally think that we all elect to have A(n. other) Life here on Earth and select lessons to learn during that life. So...right now...positive thinking on my part is = "Well...that's a (potential) shocker on the plate...but try and regard it as one of those blimmin' Lessons to Learn.". With my own personal way of thinking (ie reincarnation being something I take as absolute fact, in the same light as "the sun will rise again tomorrow") then logic says its better to cram in an extra "lesson or two" in this lifetime if I blimmin' well have to and reduce any "pressure" to come back again for another life on Earth.

20 or so more years of things being harder-than-I-thought is a much easier bet than another life (which could be 80 odd years) back on Earth again. By far the easiest option to de-select for another life on Earth. The lesser of two evils is definitely a little bit "harder" than I thought for last 20 years or so of this life than feeling I "should" really come back again for another life of 80 or so years on Earth:eek::eek::eek:. As you've gathered = I seriously would not want another life on Earth ever again:eek:.

If I had a different way of thinking about things, then it would be harder than it is to deal with things. With my own personal way of looking at things, then I can handle 20 or so more "bad years" if I have to. Fingers still crossed obviously that life as a whole will improve from here on in:cool:.

**************

So, have we got anyone "on board" on this thread that feels that overall Life is working out pretty well for them (ie as expected or better than expected and they are pretty happy with how its going by and large)?

I admit to genuine curiosity as to whether anyone has a Life that "comes good" on them and they are genuinely happy with it overall and feel pretty "secure" for it not getting worse on them ever?

Does anyone have a life like that? ITRW I've not met anyone (to my knowledge) like that and the one person I can think of with a pretty charmed life (ie an ex-boyfriend) is someone I feel pretty sure will have dementia later on in life (ie all his Bad Stuff is going to come at the end of his life). Well...you never know....and maybe some people get all their Good Stuff at the end of their lives....

purpleshoes_2

If my mum died tomorrow Id get less than my brother, just the way shes chosen to split up her death in service payment, it matters to me not. If she lives longer, we will get 50/50 but she could leave it to the cat and dog home for all I care.

Its not easy when you feel lesser than another relative. I have a father who has given me nothing my entire life, well, 2 pounds a week back in the day when my mum had to chase him for it through the courts. She struggled to bring us up as a single parent. Hes wealthy and when he dies his son (who I have never met and doesn't know I exist will get the lot). I couldnt care less that I'll be cut out of his will, in fact Ive cut him out of mine, because if I died tomorrow and hadnt cut him out, he could be entitled to half of what I have if I hadnt made a will.

When my gran died my mum split what money was left from her estate between myself and my brother, her view was that she had been given enough when she was alive.

If my mum died and left everything she had to a charity, I honestly would not care less, I would rather have her around. If she died tomorrow and my brother got her death in service payment, I wouldnt be upset about that either, because she had to name one of us.

Families are not always easy, I know that, but you make the best of what you have and if your family aren't decent to you, you make the best of your life anyway.

I couldnt care less about my father, I care less about his cash. Id rather have had a father who cared about me but he didn't, so I wouldnt touch a penny of his cash even if he left any to me, which he certainly won't.

Horace

Still feeling a bit meh so have hardly eaten anything today - eating makes my stomach sore.

Families are weird - I remember my gran (dad's mum) always going on about how I would get mum's engagement ring when she died and once I was taken to hospital to see this woman (I went for my dad's sake otherwise I wouldn't have gone to see her after she treated me and mum) and the first thing she mentioned was mum's engagement ring so I told her that I wasn't going to inherit it because it was being left to the dog's home. That woman caused so much heartache for my dad as did the rest of his family that in the end he had to freeze her bank account. Money that was left to him by the mining company had been frittered on other members of the family leaving my dad having to freeze the account (it has never been unfrozen).

I am an only child so I will probably inherit it all but I need to make a will so that the money stays with the maternal side of the family and not my dad's side because I don't want any of those vultures getting their mitts on it. They haven't bothered with me and they haven't bothered with dad either so why should they get what he worked hard for?

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

moneyistooshorttomention

As you say Horace indeed, ie "You cant choose your family, but you can choose your friends"...and I have some good friends that I am thankful to have.

Reminds self of some families in other cultures (even including some people living in our own country, but adhering to the ways of other cultures regardless) and at least my family is a typical Western one (ie no forced arranged marriages etc) and I've always felt extremely sorry for women living in that sort of family and all the more so if they are living in our country, but still being expected to live in accordance with a more primitive Society than ours in that respect. I was only reading another case in the papers this week re a young woman from another culture living in our country and her own mother had threatened all sorts to force her into a marriage against her will and thinking "Call yourself a mother ...to do something like that to your own daughter!!!!". So its a blessing to at least be in a Western family.

ellie99

MITSTM, I'm not sure I follow your logic re living another 20 years of "hard life" absolving you of having to come back to live another life. I thought the point of reincarnation was to learn new lessons about ourselves and about love and caring for others. So unless we are at a "Mother-Teresa-state-of-goodness" then there will always be an argument to come back.

Of course, having a hard time of it isn't actually "learning a lesson", I suppose it's how we deal with it that matters.
I think a large majority of people living in the UK do not have a truly "hard life", although we do have plenty of problems. You just need to watch the news and see what is happening in other parts of the world to realise that. There are times when I'm grateful to have been born here (and fingers crossed life stays okay here!).

I can't say I'm "shouting from the rooftops" happy, I've had bad things happen just like everyone else, but I realise I'm lucky with the life I do have, it could be an awful lot worse

My biggest worry is being unable to care for myself when I'm old (exacerbated by being single and knowing there is no-one to watch out for me). I would quite happily not have to learn to deal with that problem in this life, I'll come back and do it another time...oh dear, can you tell I procrastinate?

Would love to read that some posters think life is going better than expected...anyone?

moneyistooshorttomention

Yep...no chance of me turning into a saint any time soon:rotfl:.

So, indeed other lessons that could be learnt, hence "Well at least the list will be shorter" you could say...but I do know far from non-existent...:cool:.

So...okays anyone got that pretty charmed life then? Oh please..theres gotta be someone and we'll all promise to try not to be jealous:rotfl:

mothernerd

I would say I am content. I am aiming for happy but content is good as I dog-paddle my way through the rivers of excrement that life has chosen to pour on me, content is keeping my head above the water and having quiet peaceful moments.

A contributor on another thread has something in their signature (think it's Buddhist) saying life gives us lessons and gifts and if you learn the lesson, it's a gift.

I am following 'The year of Happy'. January was easy. the theme was gratitude and for many years I have been taking note of little things in my day. February's theme is optimism and I knew it was going to be a struggle. I thought beforehand that I try to think positively but am 'naturally' a pessimist. The reality was so much worse.

Took a baseline survey for where I fit on the optimist/ pessimist scale. I got a negative score, so I am just above the lemmings. Optimism consists of three components - they called them permanence, pervasiveness and personalisation. An optimist believes good things happening is the natural state, bad things are a one off, restricted to that one area of life and due to external circumstances. A pessimist 'expects' bad things to happen, that the bad things happen in all areas of their life and blames herself.

It's linked to our primitive fight or flight response and if a lot of bad things happened to you in childhood (that opened up a whole can of worms for a day or two) you become attuned to the signs of danger and anticipate things going wrong. In a way it's that old Chinese curse about living in interesting times and whether you see things as threats or opportunities.

I've never been pretty or popular, never been beseiged by admirers (the one time I was being mithered by my ex-husband, ex-lover and ex-toyboy was just exhausting and no fun whatsoever) or showered with presents, never really felt looked after or cared for. I've worked hard most of my life (sometimes extremely hard) for very little reward and mostly ended up with jobs way below my intellectual capabilities.

I am currently self-employed with zero (less than zero, a loss) earnings for the past year, mainly due to not being able to walk or carry things. The money situation should ease when I sell the big house but don't know how many more months of little or no money I have to get through before it's sold and even then have to work on my business because the house money alone won't be enough to get me through the next 8 years 11months and 2 weeks until retirement (providing the goalposts don't get moved again). I haven't yet persuaded my 23yo to leave the nest and my mother is queuing up for me to look after her when she has exhausted herself looking after her partner.

However I am still here, still standing, I am a survivor. I am short of money but it isn't as frightening as it was when I had three small boys depending on me to keep them safe. I have a lovely new hip which has nearly completely cut out the pain I have lived with for the past year and intermittently before that. I am getting better - the only problem is that at each improvement stage there is another level of jobs waiting that I haven't been able to tackle for months and as ellie99 has said we have a privileged life in comparison to many of the world's people.

When times get tough I remind myself that I have got through worse and I will get through this. I would rather be on my own than in a controlling or abusive relationship or dependent on the whims of someone with an addiction. I gave 5 tins to the food bank and took a couple of things to the cs drop-off last week. That makes me happy. Maybe I set the bar on being happy fairly low but it seems to be working

ZELDARINO

mothernerd wrote: »

I would say I am content. I am aiming for happy but content is good as I dog-paddle my way through the rivers of excrement that life has chosen to pour on me, content is keeping my head above the water and having quiet peaceful moments.

A contributor on another thread has something in their signature (think it's Buddhist) saying life gives us lessons and gifts and if you learn the lesson, it's a gift.

I am following 'The year of Happy'. January was easy. the theme was gratitude and for many years I have been taking note of little things in my day. February's theme is optimism and I knew it was going to be a struggle. I thought beforehand that I try to think positively but am 'naturally' a pessimist. The reality was so much worse.

Took a baseline survey for where I fit on the optimist/ pessimist scale. I got a negative score, so I am just above the lemmings. Optimism consists of three components - they called them permanence, pervasiveness and personalisation. An optimist believes good things happening is the natural state, bad things are a one off, restricted to that one area of life and due to external circumstances. A pessimist 'expects' bad things to happen, that the bad things happen in all areas of their life and blames herself.

It's linked to our primitive fight or flight response and if a lot of bad things happened to you in childhood (that opened up a whole can of worms for a day or two) you become attuned to the signs of danger and anticipate things going wrong. In a way it's that old Chinese curse about living in interesting times and whether you see things as threats or opportunities.

I've never been pretty or popular, never been beseiged by admirers (the one time I was being mithered by my ex-husband, ex-lover and ex-toyboy was just exhausting and no fun whatsoever) or showered with presents, never really felt looked after or cared for. I've worked hard most of my life (sometimes extremely hard) for very little reward and mostly ended up with jobs way below my intellectual capabilities.

I am currently self-employed with zero (less than zero, a loss) earnings for the past year, mainly due to not being able to walk or carry things. The money situation should ease when I sell the big house but don't know how many more months of little or no money I have to get through before it's sold and even then have to work on my business because the house money alone won't be enough to get me through the next 8 years 11months and 2 weeks until retirement (providing the goalposts don't get moved again). I haven't yet persuaded my 23yo to leave the nest and my mother is queuing up for me to look after her when she has exhausted herself looking after her partner.

However I am still here, still standing, I am a survivor. I am short of money but it isn't as frightening as it was when I had three small boys depending on me to keep them safe. I have a lovely new hip which has nearly completely cut out the pain I have lived with for the past year and intermittently before that. I am getting better - the only problem is that at each improvement stage there is another level of jobs waiting that I haven't been able to tackle for months and as ellie99 has said we have a priviledged life in comparison to many of the world's people.

When times get tough I remind myself that I have got through worse and I will get through this. I would rather be on my own than in a controlling or abusive relationship or dependant on the whims of someone with an addiction. I gave 5 tins to the food bank and took a couple of things to the cs drop-off last week. That makes me happy. Maybe I set the bar on being happy fairly low but it seems to be working

A well written and heartfelt post. I just saw this link in a tweet by Stephen Fry and maybe it can help anyone else going through a lonely time in their life right now:
http://www.lifesquared.org.uk/content/how-be-alone-not-lonely

CRANKY40

I managed to sell my big house mothernerd. It went for less than the selling price and no doubt the purchasers thought they had a bargain, but being released from the care of a 5 storey Victorian heap has it's own rewards. I now pay less than half the cost of gas and electric per month than previously and cleaning can be measured in hours rather than days.

I am a widow so my January thought would have been that my life is no longer the perfect life that I once thought I had but I am grateful that it is still good and I appreciate it. We were talking about optimism this morning (ds 10 and myself). I said that I am optimistic that all things will turn out well but I like to have a contingency plan in case they don't being a realist at heart :rotfl: Ds says that isn't being optimistic but I disagree as I always hope for the best.

Please could you give us March when the time comes as I really like this idea.

ellie99

mothernerd wrote: »

That makes me happy. Maybe I set the bar on being happy fairly low but it seems to be working

I think the way to go is to set the bar low, if we're waiting on big happy events, well they're few and far between. It's the little everyday things that can lift the spirits.

Right now it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed to go to work, I have no oomph and feel very low. i'm sure by the time we get to mid March I'll perk up, I don't like winter!

But, this morning I didn't want to go out to work (it was -4 degrees)...however, I was out when the sun rose, it's still snowy, there was a white mist lying low over the fields and the sun was rising and highlighting the bare trees, it was a beautiful sight.
Last week it was the opposite end of the day, I was out in the snow as the sun set, high up on a hill looking over miles of countryside to the coast with a huge orange sun setting over the snow, a definite wow moment.

There are times I could do with a bit of solitude...I got home today looking forward to something to eat and a cuppa in peace...found both DSs (and a borrowed dog!) taking up too much room in my lounge, sitting in "my" chair and using my laptop...the dog did raise a few laughs though

ZELDARINO...interesting link, will read it properly later.