OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

Byatt

lostinrates wrote: »

First line made me sad for your past and happy for your now.

Then read about cleaning. I posted on another thread that the latest summer I spent in bed my resident parent and DH managed to Hoover twice. Just twice. Now DH is great , but just doesn't see dirt and is only here for such a short time and was doing EVERYTHING else outside and with animals at weekends, so I'm not really cross about it, but I do feel RP could do more. I asked RP to Hoover today and it brought on such agonies and took SO LONG ( has given up now, unfinished, vacuum in one room, bits in another) so I'll do it in the morning. Its so much more draining that either not doing it or doing it alone,:(

I am very lucky now to have people in my life who really care for me.

Your RP sounds like my DD! :eek: When we lived together I could be lying in bed ill, and she would not even think to check on me, and certainly not clean the kitchen! It is draining.

GC, glad the op went well. One of the things I'm prepared to donate is my corneas. Enjoy the pampering!

moneyistooshorttomention

groatie_queen wrote: »

I've long maintained that in Utopia there would be a membership based national singlies support service, with a monthly subscription, where practical help would be available when ill, e.g. for running errands, doing a bit of housework, making meals etc.. Like the AA but for supporting singlies when they "break down".

I suppose the next best thing in real life today would be to have the local number for a recommended paid care agency, and keep a pot of money, say £250 or so against needing to use their services from time to time.

Something I must give more thought to, with no local friends or family to help out should I be confined to the house.

This isn't intended to be gloomy, just practical. I think we know to keep a store cupboard and food in the freezer, but what about taking a script to the pharmacy and changing the bed or laundry done when incapacitated? I know from experience just how hard it can be.

How would you manage if really off your feet?

Probably "pay" in a word and buy whatever services I needed.:(

I do so agree with you though and that thought has often crossed my mind. It is definitely a consideration for singlies as to just who will do our shopping/housework/etc for us if we personally cant do so. I know that I personally keep the majority of my bills being paid on direct debit, so that that is dealt with whatever I feel like.

But the house can rapidly get pretty tatty if I'm not feeling well enough to do the housework and I'm resigned to paying for taxis to taking me "walking distance" if I'm not feeling well enough to walk a walking distance temporarily for a while.

As for what would happen if anything went on long term (ie more than a couple of weeks at a time) then the answer is "I don't know:(".

It is indeed the case that singlies have to be a sight more organised, on average, than couplies in order to know that the Basics of Running the Existence Side of Life will be dealt with regardless of what we feel like.

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

I am very lucky now to have people in my life who really care for me.

Your RP sounds like my DD! :eek: When we lived together I could be lying in bed ill, and she would not even think to check on me, and certainly not clean the kitchen! It is draining.

GC, glad the op went well. One of the things I'm prepared to donate is my corneas. Enjoy the pampering!

Its funny you should say that about my RP.

RP has had a very successful career , very, but needs instructions at home I find. I don't know how work place managed with out them, instead liked to create protocols. Very KEEN on protocols and instructions. Yet......cannot finish at home. . In more enlightened times and since reading on Mse I have discovered Autism, in particular Aspergers, and wondered if RP is on the spectrum. (Cannot empathise, hate affection or emotion, very literal, OCD about personal hygiene if not the ruddy house work, but when does do something it has to be done 'properly' which inevitably is turning a half hour chore into a weekend one, and needs a trip to a shop, and a list of instructions). NOTHING is done without a print out off that interent and half a day typing put a plan of action(which often means nothing gets done, because its given to me and I point out a obvious to me flaw and there is a sort of silent tantrum, and its 'never to be mentioned again' .



I so, its not held RP back much, but I do increasingly understand the break down of my parents marriage, With one who is under emotional, to the point of undeveloped /abnormal and one who lives through emotion and suffersf mental illness extremes of emotion.......they can never have hoped to understand each other really.

My other problem is RP is becoming very forgetful. DH and I have been worried its the beginning of dementia of some sort..

I spend a lot of the day correcting things which aren't suitable or safe (turning off the cooker, finding the house unlocked, gates open......dogs able to get onto the road:(:eek:. Taps running, plus more annoying and expensive things, every light in the house on, heaters on. Our electricity bill is so high that when I gave the reading the electricity provider emailed and said.....' No, it simply cannot be' . But it is, because RP turns everything on. .

I'm really tight about things like that, so I'm finding it making me stressed and cross, and correcting things as well as trying to do my own stuff is just leaving me no time/energy and its becoming a bit of a nightmare tbh.

But RP's friends don't seem to think there is anything wrong. So its difficult to know.....:(. Its certainly not working out as mutually beneficial as it was, but whether that's RP being cantankerous or difficult or just a clash Or a problem in one of us, I'm not sure.

I'm sure we'll sort it out.

Edit: I don't know RP is spectrum of course, but understanding that might be a cause helps me stay sympathetic that we don't see things the same way.

moneyistooshorttomention

Byatt

Do auties "do the necessary" if it is explained to them step by step that "So and so needs to have some food shopping done for them because they literally do not have the strength to get to the supermarket and, if they cant get food in, then they will literally starve?".

Is that how a typical auty will "work" and "realise" what is what, rather than the empathy a nice empathetic non-auty will feel and automatic realisation that that is how they would feel iyswim? Just thinking that lots of non-auties wont be "nice" enough/empathetic enough to realise that fact....so wondering...

I'm guessing there is a spectrum that different people are on and that people will vary from "normal" (ie nice and empathetic) through to people who understand and act according if things are explained clearly to them through to those who will never "get it" and that the vast majority of people are somewhere or other on that spectrum and few people will be the totally nice/empathetic end of the scale on the one hand or totally "oblivious" on the other hand. I would hazard a guess that most of us are somewhere in the middle (ie explain, in a more or less detailed way) and then its "got" and accepted. Does that sound about accurate for an explanation?

Byatt

LIR, I am sure there are many undiagnosed Aspies from many years ago...it's tough enough to get diagnosed now so suspect it was impossible once upon a time. I have known people who I can see as autistic spectrum, whilst functioning in a full time job. How their family coped is another matter. How old is your RP?

MTSTM, I can only speak for my DD because although there are similarities, essentially, they are individuals too. No, my DD can have it explained to her, and still does not relate to the consequences. She cannot put herself in someone else's position, no matter how many time she sees it or has it explained. There are moments when she appears to empathise, but I think it's more "acted" than an actual feeling. For instance, I can be ill, severe migraine or sickness, flu or whatever, and she can sound sympathetic, but then will call me at some ungodly hour wanting me to do something for her, drive her somewhere, lend her money.

Just read your edit, no, it's not accurate, my DD cannot under any circumstances put herself in someone else's shoes. I do realise there are people who are not naturally empathic, and need it spelling out to them, but with autism, no...all the explanations in the world doesn't alter the perception. She cannot "read" social cues, the things that are obvious to us, which often you don't need to be told about, absorb, are not obvious to my DD. For instance, when she was little watching a pantomime, I was very aware of a little boy in front of us who understood the characters and the story and what was likely to happen. My DD laughed at the bits that were obviously funny, but it was like she was watching the show in sections or just a couple of minutes at a time...she could not predict what was going to happen or that the previous part related to the next part and so on.

lostinrates

Byatt, early seventies. But seems very much older. (Younger of my parents mind you). Has aged horrifically since retiring just a few years ago. Horrific to watch. Gone from dynamic and quite powerful person with wits about them to.......not.

Byatt

LIR, is there any way you can get him to see a dr?

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

LIR, is there any way you can get him to see a dr?

What for? P says that the doctor says the memory is not a problem. Other things are under medical care ( type two, which RP refuses to take seriously, eats candy like an addict, I used to get really upset by this but now have come to accept that RP is an adult and not a thick one and has the right to make own choices, even if I don't like them! .

I will also say, I believe RP has been a functioning alcholic for many years, maybe all adult life? Since living with us there is almost no out let for this. I know this must be a shock to the system. RP finds dh's drinking of A glass of wine , or A cocktail, very odd, as RP would drink a bottle of wine with no difficulty (or drunkeness) , and occasionally still does. RP does seem to care what DH thinks though, and the drinking has scaled right back when here. We 're not into telling adults what to do, and we love alcohol, but i think maybe the frost of the reception of the regular necking of such quantity was felt, I don't know. . I think when RP is away the drinking is very substantial, but I'm just guessing.

Byatt

LIR, fair enough, I thought if you were worried about his memory then the dr would be a good place to start, but with the other issues regarding alcohol, and his dr saying there was no concern about his memory then maybe not.

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

LIR, fair enough, I thought if you were worried about his memory then the dr would be a good place to start, but with the other issues regarding alcohol, and his dr saying there was no concern about his memory then maybe not.

Advice from other MSEers who have been at this stage with a loved one before is to keep a diary. So in a few months I can take it to the o and say YOU might not think its a problem when you see this person, but on a day to day basis this is what its like,


Tbh, I'm going to try but I'm barely holding it together myself ATM. ( The reason this was meant to be mutually beneficial was to take pressure off me not add more! And RP didn't want to be lonely)
Adding something else in to the mix for me is a bit much.

Also, feels very much like........spying,