I think IVF has cost me my friendship

peachyprice

Derby, I really don't understand, if you were such an important part of her day why weren't you a bridesmaid or maid of honour.

And really, you being distracted meant that she couldn't have the day she wanted/deserved? How does her new husband feel about that? He must be gutted that the outcome of their big day relied purely on your participation to the level she required.

Come on, she's guilt tripping you for her own shortcomings. That really is not something a lovely, lovely person does to her best friend who is going through her own hell.

Football_Geek

Your friend needs to come down a level. Who does she think she is? You turned up to the wedding, what else does she want? I had a friend like that, that I knew for many years and looking bad she always treated me badly. Don't get me wrong, we had a laugh over the years. However, I recall she was always unreliable and condescending towards me. She always had to be the centre of attention and was always chasing after guys(married, with partners),even though she had a steady boyfriend. What I realised after our friendship ended was, she was never much of a friend.

I would suggest back-off from this friendship. If she wants to get back in touch and appreciates your friendship, she will get back in touch. Some people just take advantage of nice people like you.

Football_Geek

Derby2 wrote: »

I really appreciate all your comments-I've spent all weekend in tears and wishing I could turn back time. I honestly thought I would get a hammering

She really is a lovely, lovely person although she may not be coming across as such, and I'm hoping that once a bit of time has passed she can have a look at what's happened and take a more rational view. I don't think she wants children, so it must be difficult for her to empathise with someone with infertility.

If I'm being honest, I suspect there is an element of post-wedding/January blues, and I might be bearing the brunt of her disappointment that she couldn't have the wedding she wanted/deserved but whether she will ever see that, I don't know.

I don't think she has said anything to the bridesmaids because I suspect her expectations from them weren't as high as the ones she had of me and so they haven't let her down as much.

I'm going to give her some space and time, and then write her a letter and just let her know that I hope we can get past it.

Thank you all again.

I am sorry that you have been crying. I hope my last posting was not too harsh on your friend as it sounds that you are very close. Take good care of yourself.

pelirocco

If she gets upset over such a minor thing , she is going to find the next x amount of years of marriage a bit of a struggle !!

paulineb_2

You didnt spoil her wedding, not in the slightest. Ive been at weddings where I considered the bride to be a good friend of mine, wasnt a bridesmaid, saw them at the reception, had a quick 5 minute chat because they had so many people to see to, gave them their present and got on with enjoying the day/night. Ive also been at receptions where the bride has been so busy theyve done nothing much more than say hi and thanks for the present.

Shes being ridiculous. Does she know you are pregnant and concerned about the pregnancy? If she does, shes being a cow, sorry to be so blunt but thats what shes acting like.

isla_red

I agree with everyone else, you didn't spoil her wedding at all and I am sorry that you have been feeling so rubbish about it. Don't beat yourself up, you've done a lot more than most would even if they weren't in your situation.

Focus on that healthy baby, this kind of stress is so unnecessary when you're already going through enough as it is.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Derby2 wrote: »

Hi there,

My best friend got married before Christmas and I found out last week that she is very upset with me for a number of reasons.

She has had to rearrange her wedding and scale it down quite a lot because her family are going through a very difficult time with family illness.

She says she feels let down because she doesn't feel I helped/supported her as much in the build up to her wedding as she did for me, and that since the wedding I haven't celebrated the day with her and talked about it again as she did for me. On the day of the wedding, I had a few problems which meant I didn't stay for all of the evening do/dancing, but went back to my room which I think reinforced her disappointment. She feels she hasn't had the same experience I had.

She really does have a lot of valid points and I feel awful she didn't have the same experience I did. However, I was going through my first IVF cycle in the run up to the wedding, which on paper was not going well. I've tried not to let it impact our friendship, but it's been a very difficult time. Very fortunately it was successful, but this in turn caused a lot of worry because I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, this time last year (my due dates are only 2 days apart) and there have also been some signs that things are not quite right.

I really did try as much as I could to be supportive and enthusiastic, and I've not turned down anything she has asked me to do, but I've felt so stretched emotionally and physically by what I've been through that in all honesty I don't know how much more I could have given.

The day of the wedding I had some spotting in the morning which sent my anxiety into overtime, and I was rushing round quite a lot because the bridesmaids weren't doing their duty. I have to take a tablet at a certain time twice a day and then lie down for half an hour as post-IVF treatment. I did this after their first dance, but I was absolutely wiped out and was so exhausted that I could barely move. I asked my husband to explain that I really wanted to be there but I was just exhausted. After that and all over Christmas I've had to have long lie-ins and afternoon naps because I've been so tired.

Since we've been back, there have been very difficult things going on at work, and it's been the run up to the miscarriage date so emotionally I've been all over the place and although I've asked about her honeymoon, she is right that I haven't spoken about the wedding.

She said that everytime we've gotten together recently I've been distracted with a painted smile, which is absolutely true but I don't know what else I can do or could have done.

I tried to explain some of this to her, but to be honest I don't think she is in a place where we can talk about it. She has said it's just the wrong time to discuss it and I've not heard anything since then.

Do you think our friendship is gone for good? I don't know how she can forgive me for spoiling her wedding. She has been going through a really difficult time too, and she does deserve much better than I have given her. In another time it would have been a completely different story, but coinciding with my treatment has meant I've not been there for her.

Any advice anyone can offer would be much appreciated.

I would have been horrified at a special event, even if it was mine, to find a friend would feel obliged to bounce around and dance if they were undergoing ivf and were so early in their pregnancy - I'd be terrified that they could miscarry and I'd possibly feel I was to blame.


So I'd let her get over her last vestiges of Bridzilladom (she's probably experiencing a bit of a comedown from being the centre of attention and without the planning, etc, she hasn't got a lot to occupy herself with right now, other than to look for the 'disappointments'.) If she's like most women who lose a significant amount of weight for the day, she probably feels a bit worn out, too - and then add on it being a wet January, and you've got somebody who will most likely get over herself soon. And be really sorry for picking on you.


Don't let it concern you right now. You did nothing wrong and she should be back to normal soon enough. And if she isn't, well, tough - you're doing something far more important than wearing a pretty dress.


Look after yourself - don't worry about it right now.

Wilma33

If she was my friend then I would be seriously annoyed with her attitude. Are you her only friend? Surely if she wants to spend hours going over every small detail of her wedding then she can find another friend to do that with (who isn't dealing with IVF and other issues!).

meritaten

sweety - which was more important? her big day or your baby? you carried out your duties to the best of your ability AT THE TIME! surely she knew that you were undergoing IVF and what it entailed? and just because you had to go rest or retire early how on earth could that spoil her day? Her day was supposed to be about HER and her HUSBAND, not whether the bridesmaids were running themselves ragged at her beck and call!
A friend this self centred you don't need - she has no concern about your baby or you - just ragging on you because you weren't dancing attendance on her!

I got the impression you were a bridesmaid - you weren't! that makes it even worse! what a selfish uncaring little cow she is!

AcidHouse

Hi OP, I'm responding to this with more or less what everyone else is saying, because you have to believe you've done nothing wrong.

If I had a friend going through IVF, she would be a priority to me, I certainly wouldn't be putting a wedding in front of her personal wellbeing. I wouldn't ask her to help. IVF is a complex, sensitive process. A wedding pales in comparison to it's importance. Whether she wants kids herself or not, surely she knows this.
Bridezilla had clearly lost all sense of reality over her big day.

Be kind to yourself and your health. Focus on you.