I think IVF has cost me my friendship

lostinrates

Derby2 wrote: »

Hi pops.

I think she just wanted a day for it to be all about her, which I can't blame her for because it has been such a rubbish time for her.

We have talked about my treatment, about as much as the wedding so I can't criticise her there at all, but I consciously didn't talk about my problems too much because I did want it to be focused on her and for her to have 'her day', and not putting a downer on it all.

It's just rubbish that both things were going on at once.

Omg, you are incredibly nice.

We all want our friends to have a great time especially on their big days like weddings and I think you were noble but in the right to keep a down play about it on the day....but now her day has past.


I would put it in a letter to her, telling her you care, because you obviously do. Pffft. You are a much nicer person than I am!

pops5588

Derby2 wrote: »

Hi pops.

I think she just wanted a day for it to be all about her, which I can't blame her for because it has been such a rubbish time for her.

We have talked about my treatment, about as much as the wedding so I can't criticise her there at all, but I consciously didn't talk about my problems too much because I did want it to be focused on her and for her to have 'her day', and not putting a downer on it all.

It's just rubbish that both things were going on at once.

You sound very patient and reasonable. The only thing I would say is that she clearly didn't just want to have "her day" as her big complaint with you is that she hasn't had the pre and post-wedding attention that she feels you had. She obviously wanted the run up to it to be all about her and she wants all conversations afterwards to be as well.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. I'm sure she has had a rubbish time. But so have you.

pops5588

lostinrates wrote: »

Pffft. You are a much nicer person than I am!

And me!! I would have lost my temper with her by now...

BugglyB

I think its great that she's able to tell you why she feels upset and that you can understand her point of view.

If you do still want to be friends with her its worth saying to her, I know you are upset, and I am sorry I made you feel like that - I did care about your wedding and still do, there were just things that made me distracted at the time. Its so unfortunate the timing and I hope you can understand that and forgive me.

Then how she responds will help you decide as to whether shes worth being friends with.

claire16c

If she knows the details you've posted on here - I.e why you couldn't dance/perhaps looked less than enthusiastic as you were having a very worrying day, then she's being out of order.

If I was getting married & my bridesmaid was going through what you had been going through I would have told her under no circumstances did I want to see her on the dance floor & she should put her feet up or go to the hospital for a scan if needed. I would have been really worried about her!

twigpig

Weddings are funny things - people get so caught up in "their perfect day" and in reality, there will always be little things that could have gone better, been done differently etc.

Your friend obviously had a vision in her head of the day, and I know it was her big day, but it's not as much of a big deal for everyone else involved - to most people, it's just a wedding. I wouldn't suggest you tell her this of course

There's nothing you can do now to change what happened - Did she know about your IVF treatment before the wedding or have you explained it all since then? If she already knows and still can't get over what massive hurdles in your life you were facing, there's not much you can do.

Offer a girlie day but really the ball is in her court now.

I myself lost a friend at my wedding who didn't think it was appropriate to tell me or anyone he'd decided not to come on the day. You were there, not in the best of health or mind, but you did what you could in what was a very difficult time for you.

I hope everything remains well following your IVF treatment)....

SandC

I agree with everyone else, she's being a bit OTT with the bride thing.....

You were not maid of honour or even a bridesmaid so I wonder if those ladies got short shrift as well (seeing as it sounds like things weren't going totally plain sailing on the day) or are you getting it all in the neck? You most certainly shouldn't be! Weren't her bridsemaids and maid of honour enough for her before the wedding and after?

If I were you I would concentrate on you from now on - the dust will no doubt settle in the meantime. You haven't been able to explain things from your side as she wouldn't allow you - what more can you do?

Tanswell88

I think shes being very unreasonable. You attended the wedding, Yes you may have been distracted but with very good reason (any real friend would understand this) Growing a human is difficult enough as it is let alone adding into the mix all the drugs and what not you need to take to have IVF. (I understand the exhaustion to a point as when I was taking clomid it would just wipe me out to the point where I would fall asleep and sometimes not even remember lying down! )
Is there a chance she could be scared or jealous of your impending bundle?

DigForVictory

I don't think IVF has cost you a friendship - I think her marriage did. She may well feel she was there for you more etc etc - but you were there for her while worrying you were miscarrying.

Which in my lexicon rates a load higher than a party. A lesser friend would have spotted, panicked & just headed straight for the horizontal (& there's noone at an IVF clinic who would disagree) muttering "sorry" at best. You stayed upright, carried on & didn't let it spoil her day.

And now she hasn't a good time to talk about it? Well, maybe, in a few years time, if she's unlucky enough to have an even faintly similar situation, maybe then she'll appreciate what you did. Although in the overplanned overpriced mayhem, she's unlikely to remember much.

If you want to stay friends with this bride, then a letter. Handwritten, and well slept on, so you don't commit anything you won't stand by in another 5 years time. Make sure it includes the facts you've shared with us, so she has an inkling what you were doing & why.

As for the IVF costing you a friendship - if she won't see her self-obsession then it's the wedding that cost you a friendship, not your IVF.

All the best & may you carry in health, safely easy and simply throughout!

seven-day-weekend

^^^Great post...