I think IVF has cost me my friendship

Derby2

Hi there,

My best friend got married before Christmas and I found out last week that she is very upset with me for a number of reasons.

She has had to rearrange her wedding and scale it down quite a lot because her family are going through a very difficult time with family illness.

She says she feels let down because she doesn't feel I helped/supported her as much in the build up to her wedding as she did for me, and that since the wedding I haven't celebrated the day with her and talked about it again as she did for me. On the day of the wedding, I had a few problems which meant I didn't stay for all of the evening do/dancing, but went back to my room which I think reinforced her disappointment. She feels she hasn't had the same experience I had.

She really does have a lot of valid points and I feel awful she didn't have the same experience I did. However, I was going through my first IVF cycle in the run up to the wedding, which on paper was not going well. I've tried not to let it impact our friendship, but it's been a very difficult time. Very fortunately it was successful, but this in turn caused a lot of worry because I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, this time last year (my due dates are only 2 days apart) and there have also been some signs that things are not quite right.

I really did try as much as I could to be supportive and enthusiastic, and I've not turned down anything she has asked me to do, but I've felt so stretched emotionally and physically by what I've been through that in all honesty I don't know how much more I could have given.

The day of the wedding I had some spotting in the morning which sent my anxiety into overtime, and I was rushing round quite a lot because the bridesmaids weren't doing their duty. I have to take a tablet at a certain time twice a day and then lie down for half an hour as post-IVF treatment. I did this after their first dance, but I was absolutely wiped out and was so exhausted that I could barely move. I asked my husband to explain that I really wanted to be there but I was just exhausted. After that and all over Christmas I've had to have long lie-ins and afternoon naps because I've been so tired.

Since we've been back, there have been very difficult things going on at work, and it's been the run up to the miscarriage date so emotionally I've been all over the place and although I've asked about her honeymoon, she is right that I haven't spoken about the wedding.

She said that everytime we've gotten together recently I've been distracted with a painted smile, which is absolutely true but I don't know what else I can do or could have done.

I tried to explain some of this to her, but to be honest I don't think she is in a place where we can talk about it. She has said it's just the wrong time to discuss it and I've not heard anything since then.

Do you think our friendship is gone for good? I don't know how she can forgive me for spoiling her wedding. She has been going through a really difficult time too, and she does deserve much better than I have given her. In another time it would have been a completely different story, but coinciding with my treatment has meant I've not been there for her.

Any advice anyone can offer would be much appreciated.

pops5588

I don't know if this will be an unpopular view point or not but here goes...

Your friend may feel upset with you, but friendship works both ways. Has she asked you about your life and how things are going for you?

Personally I feel (not just with your friend but with people in general) it's quite annoying when someone's wedding becomes the be all and end all. Life goes on for everyone, the world doesn't stop turning just because someone is getting married.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you needed a friend too but she was more concerned with being a bride.

I didn't realise there was a dancing quota that needed to be filled at these things... if it were me I would just be chuffed you made it despite everything you had going on.

ETA: Just to say as well, the fact that you were rushing around doing the bridesmaids' jobs sounds to me like you were actually incredibly supportive as a friend.

justanopinion

Hi Derby,

I didn't want to read and run. I think weddings are the one time when everyone gets so caught up in the excitement. Perhaps without meaning to, your friend at the moment cannot think about anything else other than her own nuptials?

Have you shared with her any of what you've written here?

X

Adding again. She said it wa not the right time when you tried to discuss this? Sorry, but that's rude. She may have been getting married but life doesn't stop for everyone else whilst she's fretting about decorations etc.

You have not ruined her wedding and if that has been said that's just beyond belief. Her friend needing a lie down because she has to? She needs to realise it may have been her "big day" but other people were there too.

seven-day-weekend

Derby2 wrote: »

Hi there,

My best friend got married before Christmas and I found out last week that she is very upset with me for a number of reasons.

She has had to rearrange her wedding and scale it down quite a lot because her family are going through a very difficult time with family illness.

She says she feels let down because she doesn't feel I helped/supported her as much in the build up to her wedding as she did for me, and that since the wedding I haven't celebrated the day with her and talked about it again as she did for me. On the day of the wedding, I had a few problems which meant I didn't stay for all of the evening do/dancing, but went back to my room which I think reinforced her disappointment. She feels she hasn't had the same experience I had.

She really does have a lot of valid points and I feel awful she didn't have the same experience I did. However, I was going through my first IVF cycle in the run up to the wedding, which on paper was not going well. I've tried not to let it impact our friendship, but it's been a very difficult time. Very fortunately it was successful, but this in turn caused a lot of worry because I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, this time last year (my due dates are only 2 days apart) and there have also been some signs that things are not quite right.

I really did try as much as I could to be supportive and enthusiastic, and I've not turned down anything she has asked me to do, but I've felt so stretched emotionally and physically by what I've been through that in all honesty I don't know how much more I could have given.

The day of the wedding I had some spotting in the morning which sent my anxiety into overtime, and I was rushing round quite a lot because the bridesmaids weren't doing their duty. I have to take a tablet at a certain time twice a day and then lie down for half an hour as post-IVF treatment. I did this after their first dance, but I was absolutely wiped out and was so exhausted that I could barely move. I asked my husband to explain that I really wanted to be there but I was just exhausted. After that and all over Christmas I've had to have long lie-ins and afternoon naps because I've been so tired.

Since we've been back, there have been very difficult things going on at work, and it's been the run up to the miscarriage date so emotionally I've been all over the place and although I've asked about her honeymoon, she is right that I haven't spoken about the wedding.

She said that everytime we've gotten together recently I've been distracted with a painted smile, which is absolutely true but I don't know what else I can do or could have done.

I tried to explain some of this to her, but to be honest I don't think she is in a place where we can talk about it. She has said it's just the wrong time to discuss it and I've not heard anything since then.

Do you think our friendship is gone for good? I don't know how she can forgive me for spoiling her wedding. She has been going through a really difficult time too, and she does deserve much better than I have given her. In another time it would have been a completely different story, but coinciding with my treatment has meant I've not been there for her.

Any advice anyone can offer would be much appreciated.

Under the circumstances I think it is her who has been a bad friend, not you. How does you not being at the party on her wedding day in any way compare with you thinking you might be having a miscarriage and taking appropriate action?

tea_lover

Man alive, how on earth did you spoil her wedding?? Tbh she sounds like a self-obsessed drama queen. Her 'special day' really isn't the centre of everyone else's universe, if she can't see that I reckon you're better off without her.

vanessav

It is unfortunate timing that you and your friend were both going through one of life's most all-consuming events at the same time. It could be seen as 'six of one and half-a-dozen of the other' - except that IVF is considerably less pleasant than a wedding. So you really should not be feeling guilty.
Did your friend know what you were going through at the time? Does she know now? If so, I would have thought she would understand.
Tell her what you told us - that weren't as enthusiastic as you wanted to be. But the IVF pushed you close to your mental and physical limit and you didn't have any energy left. If she doesn't understand that; then there probably wasn't much friendship in the first place!

Derby2

Hi pops.

I think she just wanted a day for it to be all about her, which I can't blame her for because it has been such a rubbish time for her.

We have talked about my treatment, about as much as the wedding so I can't criticise her there at all, but I consciously didn't talk about my problems too much because I did want it to be focused on her and for her to have 'her day', and not putting a downer on it all.

It's just rubbish that both things were going on at once.

Rottensocks

Derby2 wrote: »

She says she feels let down because she doesn't feel I helped/supported her as much in the build up to her wedding as she did for me, and that since the wedding I haven't celebrated the day with her and talked about it again as she did for me. .....She really does have a lot of valid points and I feel awful she didn't have the same experience I did. .....

I may be reading this completely wrong, but there are undertones of Bridezilla coming through for me. I wonder does your friend expect that you should all want to talk over the wedding, watch the dvd, see the album again and again? She has had her special day, where she's been the princess, and now sadly, just like everyone else, it is back to the normal stresses of life!

I didn't pick up where you heard all this from your friend? email? Text? Hearsay? I think it smacks as rather immature that she feels justified in attacking you for your lack of contribution to her wedding, without even stopping to ask how you are?

You know, if she had started with "I feel our friendship has drifted a little recently, is there anything I've done, or anything wrong that I can help with?" before launching into a list of your faults.

If your friend knows that you're going through IVF, then sorry, I think she's behaving like a selfish moo! Perhaps she doesn't realise just how tough IVF can be...oh wait, she doesn't care, as its "not a good time" for her to talk. Cow.

Soleil_lune

I'm not being funny OP, but from what you have said here, your 'friend' sounds pretty selfish and self-centred. As one of the posters said above ^^^ a wedding isn't the be-all and end-all for everyone, and most people have many other things going on in their lives and don't have the time to pander to a spoilt princess. She sounds like a proper bridezilla! Does she think that she is/was the only person in the world with issues/problems etc etc.

And frankly, the things are laughable that she is crowing about - you not dancing for long for example. Has she always been like this? And FYI, YOU didn't spoil her wedding: SHE did!

I would just give her a wide berth and wait for her to come to you. She obviously has a stick up her backside, and until she removes it, I would get on with your life, with the people around you who think about YOU as well as themselves, and not people who are all me me me. Good luck with the IVF! I hope it works out soon.

Indie_Kid

If she was a real friend, she'd understand that you've got your own issues to deal with, which don't mean you don't care about her.

bylromarha

Derby2 wrote: »

It's just rubbish that both things were going on at once.

No - it's life.

We don't plan these things - if only we could.

I think you're being a fab friend - you sound as if you're trying to see her side of things too. Having been a bride yourself, you know (as do I...) how princess it is easy to become about it. And being a friend who is "the go to girl" during weddings, I would never have told a best mate bride on their wedding day I was concerned I was miscarrying my much wanted child. I wouldn't have wanted to spoil her day. But then...she's off on honeymoon, baby is looking heathly, so it all becomes irrelevant. I can see how this could easily have happened.

You have to talk to her to resolve this - and if she's a friend who is worth fighting for, then make sure she knows you want to come round and see the wedding DVD/photos/pressies (whatever!)

During the chat, acknowledge that she's upset because of how she feels you behaved in regard to her wedding and how you'd like to clear the air about it all while you reminisce about her day.

If she behaves like a princess in all areas of her life though, I'd let her come to you.