Difficult relationship with daughter/codependency issues

mum2one

I feel for you as have a friend (no ex fried) that has acted a lot of the actions your daughter has done, it really sounds that she can not cope with the baby, and almost needs a plan of action ie you do this at set times.

Is there a trigger that set the original episode (sorry to sound like I am beig nosey or dwelling) just thinking that may have had an affect been buried away and like a pandoras box all come to the service.

I don't know whether you can arrange for her to have a mental health assesment, I'm not sure how they go about, although as always funding is limited so she may not be seen as a priority, - but surely isn't it better to nip it now in the bud before it becomes too much of a problem

I just wish I could help, but all i can send is a big hug xxx

determined_new_ms

It's been almost 2 weeks since I last posted and things have moved on a little from when I posted. After the meeting, the meal with my dd and people's take on it all it took me a few days to process everything. I came to the realisation that my dd would (and did) sell me down the river if her needs were in conflict with mine. I saw how single minded I have been on "trying to solve her problems" I am blind to all the lies and manipulation.

Since then I have distanced myself from her. We have still been having my dgd every other weekend and 1 night during the week and the exchanges have been pleasant and since asking my dd to ensure she provides adequate clothing for when we have her, she has been packing appropriate clothes. DGD seems well and happy.

I have been trying to move on and focus on my own life, trying not to think & talk about her all the time - still a long way to go on talking about our relationship. But I'm making a start.... It has been hard for me not to be in contact with her 20 times a day, stop asking her about her personal affairs (none of my business). I have thought about her most morning when I have woke up and felt torn about whether I am doing the right thing not sorting out her problems, running to her every time she has a crisis.

There have been 4 times when she has called on me to deal with whatever problem she has. She asked me to be a guarantor for her (she has been served with notice) when we went out for dinner 2 weeks ago. I told her I needed to think about it and would let her know within the week. I thought about it, and realised I had to say no, it would be just fraught with difficulty for me and I have no doubts if she felt her needs justified it she would sell me down the river again. So I said no I couldn't help. 2 times I just said no as I was already doing something, once was accepted the other was less well received, but in truth when she tells me there is some life and death situation that needs me to deal with I no longer believe her.

As I have said it has been hard for me, I miss her, I miss feeling like I am close to her and we have a close relationship. The last few days have been easier - thinking of her less, focusing on myself and my life, allowing to feel a degree of free in myself to just be. I then had another epiphany yesterday and I realised I have been really selfish by always dealing with her carp I am actually not allowing her to grow up and chose the life she wants to live, and deal with the outcomes. In fact I am just meeting my needs to not see her floundering. I'm not giving myself a hard time over this, was just a realisation. It was born out of good intent but I'm interfering and meeting my own needs.

So I do feel like there is some progress, a long way to go still but heading in the right direction.

Mojisola

determined_new_ms wrote: »

As I have said it has been hard for me, I miss her, I miss feeling like I am close to her and we have a close relationship. The last few days have been easier - thinking of her less, focusing on myself and my life, allowing to feel a degree of free in myself to just be.

I then had another epiphany yesterday and I realised I have been really selfish by always dealing with her carp I am actually not allowing her to grow up and chose the life she wants to live, and deal with the outcomes. In fact I am just meeting my needs to not see her floundering. I'm not giving myself a hard time over this, was just a realisation. It was born out of good intent but I'm interfering and meeting my own needs.

So I do feel like there is some progress, a long way to go still but heading in the right direction.

That's really good news! It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

meritaten

well done. you have well and truly opened your eyes. it is so hard to 'see' a situation that you are entrenched in. you not only have gone to the heart of the matter with your DDs motivation, you have realised what yours was too! That takes a lot of courage and self honesty. so, I really do admire and applaud you.
and you know what - I bet your relationship WILL improve. now you realise your job is 'support, and help her to cope and stand on her own two feet' and not 'Takeover, as she cannot cope'.
You are off on holiday soon I believe? have a wonderful and relaxing time hun. come back refreshed and ready to start a new chapter.

determined_new_ms

It's been 4 months since I posted this. I read the whole thread not long after returning from Brazil and felt I have come along along in the time since posting. I have withdrawn a lot from my dd. She drives me insane with all the stress & lies, the constant chaos so to a large degree I have had a lot less contact with her.

I have still continued to be concerned about my dgd. Following the advice on this thread & the NSPCC I wrote a letter of complaint to SS listing out my concerns but received a response back saying they couldn't discuss the case with me. At times I have felt so hopeless and recently started the discussion with my oh that the time may have come to sit down with my dd and see if it would be best for our dgd to live with us for a while.

A couple of weeks ago my dd was really upset as someone had made a anonymous call to SS and she had a meeting with another social worker. My dd told me after the meeting she would now have a SW from children and families and wouldn't be working with the early intervention any longer.

Today out of the blue I received a call from this SW. It was such a different conversation and she had a completely different attitude to the previous workers. She was interested in speaking to me and wanting to know how things were and my concerns. She said she was concerned that despite there being 2 different SW professional from different departments no one was looking at the bigger picture and looking at the whole family's needs. She asked about how often we have dgd, specifically asking about when was the last time, the next, from what time until when. She specifically said she was glad that we were having our dgd and maintaining that support. Finally she gave me her number and asked me if our support to our dgd would continue. To which I obviously said yes without question.

I don't know why I am updating just wanted to share it really. It's been such a long road, with so much upset and worry and at times it has just been hopeless. I feel nervous about what it means but glad that at last something can be done to support my dgd & dd

meritaten

I think this is the result of your letter of complaint. The time frame suggests its been investigated and the previous social workers not taking you seriously has been criticised, I think. THIS social worker has been given a new brief and you ARE being taken seriously.
luckily you can now see the situation with a degree of 'detachment' - I am sure this impressed the new SW and she is now willing to listen to you and your concerns.
What a fantastic result hun!
I remember the original thread so well and have wondered how things were going. it sounds like you aren't such a 'pushover', while still being supportive and a loving mum and grandma.
The main thing is that your granddaughter now has a professional taking notice of her, that you are there and in place if she needs you. your DD cant bamboozle this one and don't be surprised if she blames you for a while - until she needs you again. and this will do her the world of good.

determined_new_ms

Well it's been a roller coaster of 24 hours. DD dropped dgd here yesterday at 5 as usual. After putting dgd to bed I was tidying round and found a letter dd had left in the kitchen saying SS were turning up today to take dgd and she was leaving her here with me. She then wouldn't answer my calls or explain what was going on. I was beside myself!

Today I took the day off and called the SW first thing. They are not taking dgd off of dd but they are very concerned about her. They came round this afternoon to see dgd, me & our house. They said if dd doesn't work with them it will be escalated to a child protection case. They said if it came to that they would look to place dgd with us and they recognise I am a protective factor to dgd and dd. They empathised it is no longer about my dd and the focus needs to be on dgd, something dd needs to understand. Apparently my dd did not take well to the meeting with them yesterday and they saw her volatile side. They were concerned dgd didn't even bat and eyelid to this which indicates she is used to it. It makes me so mad! What have I been telling them???? my oh recorded dd shouting at dgd at the beginning of December and I tried to get the SW to listen to it but she refused!

I spoke to dd this evening (she hasn't been contactable but I have had a couple of msn messages) and we have agreed dgd will stay with us for a while, while she sorts out the things she needs to and gets some help to sort herself out.

I can't believe this turn of events. It was clearly coming, but for months I have been banging my head against a brick wall and finally somebody is listening and realising there is a problem.

DGD has been such a treasure,She has the sweetest nature, a really easy child. Things in our life have changed radically over night, literally

meritaten

first, let me say that I am relieved that SS has left your granddaughter with you. they COULD have taken her into care. very easily, and probably would have done so months ago. today they seem to realise you are a loving parent and grandparent, so have left her with you. BUT, It is awful to say this, you are now in charge of your grandchild and I would say to speak to the social worker and ask if 'mum' turns up and wants to take the baby, what the procedure is? and are you now the 'legal guardians'? you need this in writing in case of emergency -if baby is taken ill and has to be seen at hospital? it all seems a bit 'ad hoc'. or if mum turns up and tries to take her - unless you can produce 'proof' you are legal guardians the police wont prevent a mother taking her own child.

determined_new_ms

At this point if my dd wants to take dgd back, then she can she has parental responsibility. I have just agreed with dd that she stays here for a while. It's all very temporary at the moment. My dd seemed happy for me to have her so she can sort out her housing etc I just want her to stay with us at the moment as I know she is ok and well cared for

dubs57

Just to let you know that I fully understand what you have been and are going through with your situation with your daughter as I am living through very similar however without the even more distressing addition of a grandchild to worry about. You are very brave sensible and dependable despite your unbearable distress and your daughter is lucky to have you. It also sounds that despite everything going on she really is aware of this. Best whishes.