Difficult relationship with daughter/codependency issues

determined_new_ms

I've posted many times over the years about the difficulties I have with my daughter. I won't go over the old ground now but since she was 11/12 it has been an extremely difficult time. I also thought hoped she'd get through it and to some degree she doesn't have the out of control behaviour she had when she was rebellious.

She is now 20 and has a 6 month old baby. Just over a year ago after another rage of uncontrollable rage we finally decided that she could not live with us again after having to call the police to get the situation calmed down. Since this time I have felt that she has an undiagnosed mental health problem, however that may just be my desire to understand why she behaves the way she does.

The last year was very hard for me on many levels because there was a time when she was homeless and sofa surfing. While I did support her in helping her look for flats going to the LA with her, letting her come home for showers and meals etc we would not let her move in.

She then became pregnant and I have a 6 month old granddaughter - who I adore. My daughter still has mood swings, is never happy with anything I do for her. Not that I want a medal but we help alot. We have dgd 1 week during the week and every other weekend and also other times when she is ill or not coping. But the thing is she cannot cope with stress or anything going wrong and often is upset, shouting and screaming. I have at times been very concerned about my dgd and have spoken to SS a couple of times. Incidentally I don't why I bother as they don't care and don't want to see beyond the end of their nose. I'm not surprised I begged them for help when she was a teenager and they were useless.

Recently her moods have been increasing, and her lifestyle and choices very chaotic which often result in her mood swings because she can't cope the consequences. i.e spending all of her money the first day she gets it then not having any for 2 weeks, losing her bank cards, bus pass & her keys and then not being able to access her money or get into town and see friends. She is very lonely & unhappy.

When she messes up she then demands I sort it out. Giving her money, lifts, blaming me, texting me 50+ times in a short period to get me to do whatever she wants me to do, piling on emotional blackmail, using my dgd to get money out of me (saying she has run out of formula etc). It has got to the point where I don't take my phone to work because I can't cope with the unrelenting texts and it makes me go into a panic and can't focus at work.

Recently I have said if she doesn't get help she can't come to our house anymore because my oh does not want us to call the police when everything kicks off so we just have to ride out the rage, put up with abuse until she calms down. I have as of this Wednesday after a week of a ridiculous amount of unreasonable demands told her not to contact me for a while as I need a break and can't cope with it all.

I've know for a long time we have a codependent relationship and need to break it for my sanity & hope this helps her grow up. But now 3 days later the familiar sadness is seeping in. Guilt worry and concern gnawing in the pit of my stomach, thinking about her constantly. Will I ever break this cycle?

Sorry for such a long post. If you have made it this far thank you!

duchy

Are her rages just at you ?
You mention her father and how he doesn't want the police called (although TBH it's both your home so not sure why he thinks he can dictate) . Does she rage at him too or is it just you who is the focus ? What about other people outside of family- does she kick off at them too ?

determined_new_ms

duchy wrote: »

Are her rages just at you ?
You mention her father and how he doesn't want the police called (although TBH it's both your home so not sure why he thinks he can dictate) . Does she rage at him too or is it just you who is the focus ? What about other people outside of family- does she kick off at them too ?

No her rages are at anyone who happens to be in the firing line, but I do bear the brunt of it. She feels because she is my child I have to deal with anything that she is going through. But the irony is it is never good enough.

Sorry if my post gave the impression my partner is dictating. That's not the case at all. Even when she is not raging there is the undercurrent that things could kick off anytime. So to some degree we are controlled by the fear of things going wrong or what will the consequence to her and the baby if we don't help/sort things out. It also breaks my heart to see how her behaviour is upsetting her and impacting on her life.

He is not her father. We have been together 6 years. Neither of us want the police at our home. We have had years of it and last year we moved and don't want that at our new home and for it all to start again. I just feel when she is like this it's the only thing to do. Last year when we had t call the police the police officer - I know them all from years of them visiting us - the police officer said I have to give her some tough love because this can't go on forever.

In terms of her behaviour and other people. Yes the ways she behaves has had an impact on others. She now has very little friends, her best friend who is a lovely girls and really loves her has decided she can no longer cope with her and stopped seeing her about 4 months ago

Pollycat

This is a really sad post.

It sounds like you are in an ever decreasing spiral of trouble with your daughter.

Has she ever sought medical treatment for this (seemingly undiagnosed) mental illness?

You mention you've said she needs 'get help' but from what you've posted she is unlikely to seek that help herself.
Have you ever been to the GP with her?

You've not really mentioned your grand-daughter much.
Is this rage just directed at you, or both you and your OH or does she get angry at the baby?
You've not expressed concern at your grand-daughter's welfare but from what you've posted I think I may be very worried for that baby's safety.

Tiglath

Does she get any support from her partner/ex-partner with the baby?

determined_new_ms

Thanks for your replies.

No she will not get help. I have tried and tried to get for to seek help, have spoken to SS about my concerns and they just think it is me with the problem. They only see the other side of her. She won't seek help, and I can't force her.

I have expressed concern for my dgd. I have gone to SS several times. The last time I had very serious concerns afteran evening of rage. She was shouting at the baby, wanted to fight and argue with me. My oh recorded her. I offered them to see the emails between me & my dd where she is acknowledging shouting & being abusive to the baby. But SS don't want to know. They didn't want to hear it or see the emails. They said it wasn't evidence that there is a problem. It felt like they thought I wanted them to take dgd off of my dd and her me to have her. All I want is for her to get the help she needs to re-learn how to cope with her emotions and sort out the things in her life that are difficult. As tragic as it is I just have to accept it. Offer the love and support that I can, offer my dgd as stable & normal a life as I can when she is with us. Raise any safeguarding issues with SS if I see them., despite whether they do anything or not. Going to SS has been horrible, causes me so much distress and emotional conflict because I love my dd and don't want to cause her problems but at the same time don't want my dgd to suffer.

Sadly father is not involved. I don't know the full story about the father. I have been told several stories over the last 8 months and it is hard to ever believe fully any version of events my dd tells me. She lies and is often manipulative. In the end I just try t accept who she is but keep a little bit of scepticism about what she tells me

duchy

Maybe rather than ban her from your home -put visiting on a more formal basis -eg invite her for a set meal on a set day every week but she's not welcome at other times . Same with calls -you'll listen to her concerns on that Sunday evening or whatever but not at other times. The Police Officer is right - you do need to set some boundries without making her feel completely abandoned.

squirrelchops

Hello

Does your daughter go to a local children's centre or the like? Is there a health visitor involved?

I was just thinking that either of these 2 routes could signpost your daughter for help with her stress and coping strategies. A family support worker from the children centre could work with your daughter and there are courses generally out there to help with stress/anger management etc.

If other agencies are involved this would also strengthen your referral to social services. How about broaching with your daughter about going to the children centre - you could go with her for support?

determined_new_ms

duchy wrote: »

Maybe rather than ban her from your home -put visiting on a more formal basis -eg invite her for a set meal on a set day every week but she's not welcome at other times . Same with calls -you'll listen to her concerns on that Sunday evening or whatever but not at other times. The Police Officer is right - you do need to set some boundries without making her feel completely abandoned.

I imagine this is what we will move towards. At the moment I have said to her I need a break so imagine I won't contact her until next week just to recuperate a bit. When I said she couldn't come to our house I said I would meet up with her out of the house. when I contact her next week I'll arrange to go out for something to eat.

I really need a break because of how codependent I am about it all. I think about her constantly, my behaviour is controlled by what she is going through or how she is being. I need to put in boundaries and focus on my own life and well being. I looked a lot into codependency last year and it is very common for people who are close to people with problems (i.e drugs/alcohol/mental health issues develop codedency issues)

I need to learn that even if someone you love dearly is chaotic you don't have to be in free fall you don't need to be in a state of chaos also. I need to learn to "detach with love" but this is really challenging for me, I get so caught up in the drama she creates

determined_new_ms

squirrelchops wrote: »

Hello

Does your daughter go to a local children's centre or the like? Is there a health visitor involved?

I was just thinking that either of these 2 routes could signpost your daughter for help with her stress and coping strategies. A family support worker from the children centre could work with your daughter and there are courses generally out there to help with stress/anger management etc.

If other agencies are involved this would also strengthen your referral to social services. How about broaching with your daughter about going to the children centre - you could go with her for support?

she won't go to the local groups. To my knowledge she has only seen the HV 3 times since the first 2 weeks visits. She won't tell the professionals about the difficulties she has and they only see the side of her she wants them to see. In many ways she is doing fine, but it is the chaos and then moods swings when things are concerning

I've offered to go to groups with her and organised for my dd to go to a group with my bff who has a baby slightly older than my dgd. But she refuses (my offer) and stood my friend up. She often has good intentions and wants to do the best she can but can't follow through

Honestly there isn't any answer until she either wants to seek help or unless things get really bad and someone else raises concerns

squirrelchops

The thing with the referral to social services is the evidence of how this is impacting on your grand daughter. To you this may be obvious but for a social worker to make a decision they will need evidence.

So, think about speaking to them again but with clear facts and figures - such as stating that she will not engage with other services, the amount of times you have your grand daughter. Acknowledge you are a huge protective factor BUT you are worried what happens when your grand daughter is at home with your daughter alone.

State clearly about the emotional impact - have you observed your daughter to shout/scream at child - how does your grand daughter respond?? Be explicit about what you are worried about if things do not change - say 'i am worried she will lose her temper and shake/hit child' or 'i am worried that she leaves child crying for hours as she cannot cope'.

What are home conditions like? Are there other factors e.g with her housing/finances etc that may mean she is not providing for child?

Think about all these factors so as to provide a well rounded argument as to why you are worried your grand daughters needs are not being met.