Difficult relationship with daughter/codependency issues

Mojisola

Would it help to talk to the NSPCC - https://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/help_and_advice_hub_wdh71748.html

It's possible that you either have rubbish SS or they have "case fatigue" when your daughter's name comes up.

If you contact the NSPCC using the good advice in squirrelchops' post, they may be more help.

squirrelchops

Mojisola wrote: »

Would it help to talk to the NSPCC - www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/help_and_advice_hub_wdh71748.html

It's possible that you either have rubbish SS or they have "case fatigue" when your daughter's name comes up.

If you contact the NSPCC using the good advice in squirrelchops' post, they may be more help.

Good idea Mojisola. Referrals from NSPCC will be looked at by social services and hopefully some action will take place. Do be prepared though that this action may be referral to early intervention services ie health visitor and children centre and thus the cycle will continue if your daughter does not engage but at least her non engagement will be flagged up.

determined_new_ms

When I posted this yesterday the main thing that I wanted to address is the codependency I have around my relationship with my dd. I know for others reading it (and for me) the issue with my dgd is the one that screams out to be addressed.

I was beginning yesterday to feel the familiar feeling of worry and missing my dd. I have been here so many times I couldn't even count but feel I need to go through this and not crumble emotionally as when I do I just go back on everything, try to make things return to how they are, how I am used to them being and just hope that things will be better from there on in. They never doand things revert back to type pretty quickly.

After having had 3 days when I haven't had lots of demands I am feeling much stronger today & as I have just said I miss her and worry about her

I had a couple of text from my dd yesterday and they have been cryptic. So I assume she is upset. We are due to take over our spare bed and pick up her single one today so I will ask her if she wants to go for Sunday lunch with me. If the time is right I will explain that I can't have daily demands made on me, or 50 texts until I do what she is asking of me.

On the topic of my life I had a lovely evening when a friend came round for dinner, did some sewing yesterday and have set up a sewing group starting next week which I am very excited about. Baby steps but this year is the one where I recover, whatever that means. I have been so drained by all that we have gone through and it has changed me considerably. I'm not entirely sure I like the ways my life has changed and I hope over this year to take my life to somewhere I want it to be.

neneromanova

This may seem harsh but sod the problems with you and your daughter, It's your grandchild I'd be more worried about. Go to the Local centers yourself, show them the videos of her yelling at the baby and get them to do something.

Do you have a mental health crisis team where you live? Maybe ask them for their advise and say you are really really worried for your Grand daughters safety and explain about your daughters issues through the years. All it would take was one shake and the poor girl could be dead. Very dramatic I know, but please think of this child. Once the stuff with your grandchild has been sorted, then you can start to sort out your problem with your daughter.

CrazyRed

What a situation to find yourself in, OP. I can fully sympathise as my family has similar issues which I won't go into on this thread to avoid derailing it.

First and foremost, YOU need some coping strategies. Put your daughter to one side for a minute and concentrate on YOU.

There is a technique called 'Mindfulness' that I found very, very helpful as a coping mechanism and there is also a self-help site available that you can work through some exercises on and maybe teach yourself some CBT techniques (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) that can help give you coping mechanisms.

Try this site : http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/index.html and try the 7-step self help course. In your case, I would suggest that steps 4,5 and 6 are probably the most appropriate for you based on what has been said in this thread.

I hope this helps.

Laurajo_2

CrazyRed, may I just thank you for that very helpful link.

I had CBT when I was younger for various issues (I was somewhat similar to the OPs daughter, tbf) and went on a mindfulness course which I found really helped - and although I'm doing well in my opinion now - I have a good job, house and lovely husband - I have been finding myself increasingly stressed and anxious and being much more impulsive in a negative manner. Nothing serious ATM, but I would like to nip it in the bud and re-educate myself on some of the techniques. So thanks for that!

itsanne

OP, it's good that you are aware of and trying to do something about your co-dependency, but you are worrying me in so far as you appear to be minimising the risk to your granddaughter. You need to act on her behalf.

There is good advice on here, but spell out your concerns in writing, not just verbally. Use squirrelchop's excellent guidance. Copy your letter to Social Services, your daughter's GP and her Health Visitor.

It's all very well for your daughter to refuse help (though she expects you to pick up the pieces!), but she cannot be allowed to reject everything when your granddaughter is involved too.



You also need help for yourself. In the meantime, if your daughter is constantly phoning or texting, turn your phone off, and not just at work. Tell her you will be doing that, and stick to it! She's texting so much because you respond to it, so don't. It's not easy to ignore - that's why you need to turn the phone off. (Voice of experience here :cool:.)

If you are concerned that she has run out of money for the baby's food, buy the food rather than give her money. You already know that you have to stop enabling your daughter, but it's even harder with the baby to consider!

determined_new_ms

itsanne wrote: »

OP, it's good that you are aware of and trying to do something about your co-dependency, but you are worrying me in so far as you appear to be minimising the risk to your granddaughter. You need to act on her behalf.

There is good advice on here, but spell out your concerns in writing, not just verbally. Use squirrelchop's excellent guidance. Copy your letter to Social Services, your daughter's GP and her Health Visitor.

It's all very well for your daughter to refuse help (though she expects you to pick up the pieces!), but she cannot be allowed to reject everything when your granddaughter is involved too.

You also need help for yourself. In the meantime, if your daughter is constantly phoning or texting, turn your phone off, and not just at work. Tell her you will be doing that, and stick to it! She's texting so much because you respond to it, so don't. It's not easy to ignore - that's why you need to turn the phone off. (Voice of experience here :cool:.)

If you are concerned that she has run out of money for the baby's food, buy the food rather than give her money. You already know that you have to stop enabling your daughter, but it's even harder with the baby to consider!

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. If the way I have written in this thread implies I am not concerned, or minimising, or not tried to seek help for my dgd then that is just the way I have come across rather than what is actually happening. I have repeatedly spoken to Social Services, the last time I took my bff, both for moral support and also to help me verbalise the incidents fully in the way I tell her when I have been upset. She also witnessed an incident in November and she independently called SS. As I have said speaking to SS does cause me a lot of distress as I feel that I am going against my dd and that goes against my natural instinct to protect her.

I have taken on the good advice I have received on this thread and am thinking about what to do. Particularly after there was a situation last night. My dd contacted me as she had gone to London to stay with a friend and had believed she was getting a lift back but but the friend and her boyfriend had a big argument and the bf left and so her lift fell through. She was stranded in London no money as she hasn't received her bank card. I then received various texts as she tried to get a train back without paying the fare so was kicked off of the train at each stop. In the end I advised her to go and beg the guard to reconsider and tell him why she was in this situation and implore him to allow her to come back to our home town & I would meet her at the platform with the ticket. She managed to get to the next town to us and I agreed to meet her there and give her a lift home.

When I picked her up my dgd was not her usual happy self, but I gave them a lift home and spent a short time with her and she was smiling and laughing with me. In the car my daughter acknowledged that she treats me badly and (in her words) is selfish, that she puts her own needs first rather than the baby. She says she knows she shouldn't have a baby. The situation that happened wasn't actually her fault but by being so chaotic (i.e. not having an emergency buffer zone of funds or by losing her purse) situations like this arise. I know that she (my dd) would have been being very distressed during the attempt to get home and I worry very much about the impact of this on my dgd. As well as having to be in a flat where two people are having a screaming fight. I begged my daughter to speak to someone about how she is feeling & struggling but she still refuses.

When we got there as I said I got my dgd changed into her PJs, spent some time talking & playing with her and making sure she was ok. My dd then asked me for some money to buy some cigarettes. I said no because I am refusing to give her money anymore. She then started crying & telling me to take the baby, to which I said no I am having her on Tuesday, she told me she can't cope, again I said she needs to speak to someone. I could see the way it was heading so I put the baby down on the floor (near the door, it is a very small studio flat not bigger than a box room) gave her a kiss and got up to go. As I shut the door and was walking to the main door I heard my dd start to shout & scream obscenities at me (it's always the same I'm either a wh*** or a c*** & I have a perfect life and don't give a sh** about her) and then I heard a piece of wood thrown at the door (there had been a bed slat on the floor). I was very concerned as my dgd had been laying by the door. This is where the concern is I don't think my dd would hurt my dgd purposely but when she is angry she is impulsive and chaotic and I believe there is a chance my dgd could get hurt, or will suffer because of this. and this is aside from the distress she must be witnessing several times a week. I did not hear my dgd cry but it then still played n my mind for the rest of the evening.

It is such a mess and there is no good outcome, no matter what. when I went to SS before Christmas it did no good, they honestly did not take me seriously, minimised what I was saying and then told my dd that I had been in to see them and she went off to London and refused to let me see my dgd for 2 weeks. I was beside myself with fear.

I am thinking about going to the NSPCC but will need to sit down and formalise all of my concerns and incidents in some logical order & I may ask my bff to help me with this. There is really no point in going to SS and I have thought about going to the GP but she rarely goes to the Doctors so it will have limited effect I feel (dgd has had a shocking cough since Boxing Day and she still hasn't taken her to the doctors, she hasn't had her third set of immunisations as she was ill when the they were booked for the beginning of December and she hasn't made another appt, despite me reminding her several times. I have no idea who her health visitor is as we don't live in the same town, I have never met her and to my knowledge she does not see the health visitor unless there is a TAF, to which I am not invited.

This is an awful situation to be in. Emotionally I feel torn to pieces

itsanne

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. If the way I have written in this thread implies I am not concerned, or minimising, or not tried to seek help for my dgd then that is just the way I have come across rather than what is actually happening. I have repeatedly spoken to Social Services, the last time I took my bff, both for moral support and also to help me verbalise the incidents fully in the way I tell her when I have been upset. She also witnessed an incident in November and she independently called SS. As I have said speaking to SS does cause me a lot of distress as I feel that I am going against my dd and that goes against my natural instinct to protect her.

I have taken on the good advice I have received on this thread and am thinking about what to do. Particularly after there was a situation last night. My dd contacted me as she had gone to London to stay with a friend and had believed she was getting a lift back but but the friend and her boyfriend had a big argument and the bf left and so her lift fell through. She was stranded in London no money as she hasn't received her bank card. I then received various texts as she tried to get a train back without paying the fare so was kicked off of the train at each stop. In the end I advised her to go and beg the guard to reconsider and tell him why she was in this situation and implore him to allow her to come back to our home town & I would meet her at the platform with the ticket. She managed to get to the next town to us and I agreed to meet her there and give her a lift home.

When I picked her up my dgd was not her usual happy self, but I gave them a lift home and spent a short time with her and she was smiling and laughing with me. In the car my daughter acknowledged that she treats me badly and (in her words) is selfish, that she puts her own needs first rather than the baby. She says she knows she shouldn't have a baby. The situation that happened wasn't actually her fault but by being so chaotic (i.e. not having an emergency buffer zone of funds or by losing her purse) situations like this arise. I know that she (my dd) would have been being very distressed during the attempt to get home and I worry very much about the impact of this on my dgd. As well as having to be in a flat where two people are having a screaming fight. I begged my daughter to speak to someone about how she is feeling & struggling but she still refuses.

When we got there as I said I got my dgd changed into her PJs, spent some time talking & playing with her and making sure she was ok. My dd then asked me for some money to buy some cigarettes. I said no because I am refusing to give her money anymore. She then started crying & telling me to take the baby, to which I said no I am having her on Tuesday, she told me she can't cope, again I said she needs to speak to someone. I could see the way it was heading so I put the baby down on the floor (near the door, it is a very small studio flat not bigger than a box room) gave her a kiss and got up to go. As I shut the door and was walking to the main door I heard my dd start to shout & scream obscenities at me (it's always the same I'm either a wh*** or a c*** & I have a perfect life and don't give a sh** about her) and then I heard a piece of wood thrown at the door (there had been a bed slat on the floor). I was very concerned as my dgd had been laying by the door. This is where the concern is I don't think my dd would hurt my dgd purposely but when she is angry she is impulsive and chaotic and I believe there is a chance my dgd could get hurt, or will suffer because of this. and this is aside from the distress she must be witnessing several times a week. I did not hear my dgd cry but it then still played n my mind for the rest of the evening.

It is such a mess and there is no good outcome, no matter what. when I went to SS before Christmas it did no good, they honestly did not take me seriously, minimised what I was saying and then told my dd that I had been in to see them and she went off to London and refused to let me see my dgd for 2 weeks. I was beside myself with fear.

I am thinking about going to the NSPCC but will need to sit down and formalise all of my concerns and incidents in some logical order & I may ask my bff to help me with this. There is really no point in going to SS and I have thought about going to the GP but she rarely goes to the Doctors so it will have limited effect I feel (dgd has had a shocking cough since Boxing Day and she still hasn't taken her to the doctors, she hasn't had her third set of immunisations as she was ill when the they were booked for the beginning of December and she hasn't made another appt, despite me reminding her several times. I have no idea who her health visitor is as we don't live in the same town, I have never met her and to my knowledge she does not see the health visitor unless there is a TAF, to which I am not invited.

This is an awful situation to be in. Emotionally I feel torn to pieces

I wish I knew what else to advise and how to help. The baby in the mix complicates things considerably. You need to decide exactly what you want to happen where she is concerned.

I don't think you should stop trying to involve Social Services, who have a duty of care to your granddaughter, but you definitely need to put your concerns in writing.

To be honest, I don't think I could have not done something when your daughter was screaming and throwing things near the baby. That may have been an opportunity to phone the emergency SS number. But it is very easy to say what you could have done differently in the cold light of day - right in the middle of things is never the easiest time to make decisions. For that reason, it would be worth thinking about what to do /who to contact in various scenarios so that the next time, and there will be a next time, you have a plan of action.


During my son's most recent hospitalisation, before he was discharged one of the "staff" told him it would be good for him to "get a girlfriend and have a kid" :eek::eek: :mad:. The prospect of him being responsible for a child when he cannot be responsible for himself fills me with dread. Fortunately he recognises how inappropriate that would be. I wonder what his psychiatrist would make of that advice :cool:.

Savvy_Sue

Your DD is obviously struggling, to the extent that you believe your DGD is suffering.

Suppose SS did take your concerns seriously and wanted to remove baby from her mum: would you take the baby then? They WILL ask you, as they would usually prefer a kinship arrangement (and not just because it's cheaper).

If you would, then you might have a way forward of working together to make life better for the baby.